Three kids under 4 and I think we are headed for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm astonished at the people suggesting OP quit her job. You really think that, at the time a marriage is fragile and the couple has three kids to support, THAT's when the woman ought to chuck her professional life?

+1! That is insane advice.

OP, were things good when you just had your oldest, before the twins? If so, then it would seem to suggest it's the stress of having three little ones.

[Anonymous]

You need help. Hire a part time sitter for evening routines to help with dinner prep, baths, playing with kids, taking to classes or activities, running errands, grocery shopping, etc. 15 to 20 hours a week. So worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have so many kids so fast?

We didn't. Two and three were twins and DD was 3.5 when they were born.

Huh?

What do you mean, huh? Are you slow? She has a 4yo and 6mo twins.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have time to read all of the posts, but I just wanted to ask if you've really both thought about the reality of a divorce. What will you time, financial state, time and relationship with your kids, etc., look like. We separated for awhile last year and the dose of reality brought us back to working on our marriage. Divorce is really tough.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I think divorce should be banned for parents until the youngest is five -- maybe seven. You're both overextended with work and little ones. The incident you describe with the umbrella is so mild in the grand scheme of marital woes, it's almost comical that you offer it as an example. Divorce exceedingly complicated -- you have no idea. It's hard on finances, your career, etc. And of course the children. I'm divorced. It's very hard to work full throttle with a rigid schedule and no adult on the home front.

Try to hang in there and reconnect.

[Anonymous]

I'm reading this and I think I would just feel completely exhausted and let down by the situation. I don't know his side..but it sounds miserable regardless. I actually think a separation might not be a bad idea. You are both so entrenched in this pattern and some space to figure things out might help.

[Anonymous]

Some people here are telling OP to try to rekindle or reconnect with H, but he doesn't seem to want to. Did you not read her post that when she goes for a hug, he is reluctant to give one? How do you convince him to rekindle their romance if he doesn't want to or even wants to see a therapist?

As most posters have stated, there is a lot of friction in a marriage when the kids are very young. Happened to us, too. The underlying problem for us, and I suspect most couples, was expectations and bitterness for whatever reason.

If you can put up with this for another several years, then I guess just grin and bear it and hope things get better. I think you might find divorce is 10x worse for you and the kids. Otherwise, if this is now completely unbearable for you, then maybe you can see a therapist alone to at least give you some perspective and a venting soundboard.

OP, have you ever asked him what is really bothering him? What does he say when you try to talk to him about your marital problems?

[Anonymous]

You could be describing us, except we have two kids and they are older than yours (preschool and elementary age). Things have been like that since the older was small and haven't changed for the better. DH pretty much ignores me at home and only talks to the kids. My best guess is that we will get divorced after they leave the nest.

[Anonymous]

No one, husband or wife, can have three kids so close in age and so young and not modify their work life in some way. One parent need to work part time 0r less or lthey need a nanny and someone to help with household chores. Otherwise, I think the marriage is doomed as neither spouse seems happy with the status quo and is won't get easier for a year or two.. Op, did things work well with one child?

[Anonymous]

"I suggested hiring someone to come in for four hours on the weekends to help, but DH refused"

Why are you "suggesting", just do it. I'm one of the posters who suggested you SAH and got shot down. Well, you earn money, you can make a decision like this. You don't need his permission. No blah, blah, blah, just do it.

If you are a working person (and even if you're not), you don't let him control all the money, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people here are telling OP to try to rekindle or reconnect with H, but he doesn't seem to want to. Did you not read her post that when she goes for a hug, he is reluctant to give one? How do you convince him to rekindle their romance if he doesn't want to or even wants to see a therapist?

As most posters have stated, there is a lot of friction in a marriage when the kids are very young. Happened to us, too. The underlying problem for us, and I suspect most couples, was expectations and bitterness for whatever reason.

If you can put up with this for another several years, then I guess just grin and bear it and hope things get better. I think you might find divorce is 10x worse for you and the kids. Otherwise, if this is now completely unbearable for you, then maybe you can see a therapist alone to at least give you some perspective and a venting soundboard.

OP, have you ever asked him what is really bothering him? What does he say when you try to talk to him about your marital problems?

The same way a husband should stay committed even when his wife doesn't want to be touched or to have a physical relationship. May times on here women say the thought of their husband touching them repulses them and everyone chimes in that in the early years the husband just has to accept this and live in a relationship without physical contact and that he should instead do more work and then maybe his wife might hug him. So maybe OP should do more and then her husband will want to hug her.

[Anonymous]

So the advice OP are getting here is to hire a helper for the evening routine, and a part-time nanny for weekends, and I am assuming your children are in daycare all day during the week. So when is she and her husband going to parent these kids?

[Anonymous]

What kinds of families do you both come from, OP? That does have an effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the advice OP are getting here is to hire a helper for the evening routine, and a part-time nanny for weekends, and I am assuming your children are in daycare all day during the week. So when is she and her husband going to parent these kids?

Who said that, seems like people are suggesting a nanny over daycare and some weekend evening babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm astonished at the people suggesting OP quit her job. You really think that, at the time a marriage is fragile and the couple has three kids to support, THAT's when the woman ought to chuck her professional life?

Ntice that you said professional life (i.e. career) and not a job to help support the kids.

She could pick a position with flexible hours or something that stressed her out less.

I'm divorced and I got screwed financially in the settlement because of my "career" as opposed to a job so I think the OP is fooling herself if she thinks holding on to her position rather than her marriage is the better financial situation for her kids.

Why is everyone telling OP to quit her job??? For all we know, she makes more than H. Maybe H should quit HIS job and stay home with the kids. OP does NOT want to be a SAHM (can't say that I blame her) WHY are you telling her that she should do this?

OP, I think your H has some other issues going on. Doesn't want to hire a babysitter? WTF. That would solve some of your problems. You need to have a serious conversation about how you BOTH intend on fixing this. If he refuses to go to counseling, hiring help, etc, it seems like he's not that interested in working on the marriage.