Three kids under 4 and I think we are headed for divorce

[Anonymous]

I am one of the ones who suggested OP quit her job. She has three tiny children including twins. I was in her exact situation. Unless you have walked in her shoes, you don't understand. Having a toddler plus twins is extremely demanding and something has to give. I don't know anyone who was able to work a full time professional job with two babies and one infant unless you were making a fortune and had full time help..Is that the solution? I don't think so..I think the easier solution here (to keep her family intact and avoid a divorce) is for her to quit her full time job. Woman can have it all but they can't have it all at the same time. Twins are tons of work and very stressful. The sleep deprivation is extreme. It is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

* two babies and one toddler

[Anonymous]

OP, the ironic thing is he really wasn't angry about the umbrella at all.

When you get to the point where you are arguing over seemingly "trivial" matters, then the relationship really needs help.

If he won't attend counseling sessions w/you, I highly suggest you attend sessions on your own.
Your relationship is slowly eroding day by day and the way things are looking now, this won't have a happy ending.

Since there are young children involved here, I strongly encourage you to take action now to find a solution that works for the family.

If divorce is the answer, then so be it.
To drag it out any longer is just plain cruel to the kids.
It is unfair for them to live in such a hostile environment on a day to day basis.

They deserve to live in a peaceful home where people are not negative and there is no toxicity in the air on a daily basis.

Good Luck to all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could be describing us, except we have two kids and they are older than yours (preschool and elementary age). Things have been like that since the older was small and haven't changed for the better. DH pretty much ignores me at home and only talks to the kids. My best guess is that we will get divorced after they leave the nest.

This is so sad to me and must be to you too. I am sorry. I was there too, I agree it's the kids. We love them with all that we have and it is so exhausting that it really does take a toll on the marriage.

Have you talked to him about divorce? I brought it up to my dh and we both realized we had some resentment from other issues but loved each other and are irking through it now. We don't want to divorce. We were rock solid before the kids and I truly feel like we are getting back to that again.

I agree with the other pp as well that we shouldn't be able to divorce until the kids are. 7!

Hang in there op! Fight for what you want!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the ones who suggested OP quit her job. She has three tiny children including twins. I was in her exact situation. Unless you have walked in her shoes, you don't understand. Having a toddler plus twins is extremely demanding and something has to give. I don't know anyone who was able to work a full time professional job with two babies and one infant unless you were making a fortune and had full time help..Is that the solution? I don't think so..I think the easier solution here (to keep her family intact and avoid a divorce) is for her to quit her full time job. Woman can have it all but they can't have it all at the same time. Twins are tons of work and very stressful. The sleep deprivation is extreme. It is exhausting.

It's even more exhausting being with little kids all the time. At least she now gets a break at work. sAHM sucks. I SAHM by force (unemployed) for a year and it SUCKED.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he a SAHD?

OP here. No. Not a SAHD. We both work full time.

Neither of us get enough time to do things we'd like to do. But he is constantly contradicting himself. Last weekend I was home with the twins until about 2 both days. When I asked if I could go for a walk and he said "no" he said his days was just as stressful because he was with our four year old. Yet today, he claims I got all this time to do what I wanted when I took our four year old to swimming and the grocery store. So when I'm with the oldest it is "time off" but it isn't when he is. It is infuriating.

Sounds like he is resentful of something, maybe he feels that he has to pitch in too much for a guy? That's what it sounds like to me.

Maybe he's resentful bc of they're not having sex

[Anonymous]

I had a moment like that.DH complained about some scratched on the wall.I almost lost it and started to make move-out plans.somehow I'm not willing to take any unimportant crap from him.It all blew over finally.
Sorry you are in this situation, it sucks.Hope you are willing to work on it, I wouldn't for long though.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. When our kids were 3 and twin 1 year olds it was rough. This year with a 4 year old and twin 2 year olds life is getting easier. Here are some things that we did to help.

1. We hire a neighborhood teen once a month and go out to dinner.
2. I continued to work full time, but I stepped way back from my career. I moved to a flexible position where I could telework frequently and leave on time. Teleworking has made a huge difference for us b/c I am able to do stuff like laundry and grocery shopping during the day and it is not all cramned into the weekends.
3. We alternate who gets up with the kids during the night.
4. Outsource as much as possible-- I do amazon prime instead of going to Target, etc.
5. Lower your standards for the cleanliness of the house, kids, etc. (ie kids don't need to bathe every day).
6. Try to show each other grace. Just this weekend DH was acting kind of ridiculous (IMHO) about not getting time to himself. I loaded up all the kids to run an errand, that stopped at the playground on the way home to give him some more time. He apologized when we got home for his behaviour.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may have to give him an ultimatum counseling or he needs to leave. I won't say counseling completely repaired my relationship but it did make things better. When you're in the thick of raising kids its so easy to forget that you also have to nurture your relationship otherwise you risk becoming like roomates that easily annoy one another.

I would not quit your job. It can be difficult to find employment these days and if you end up getting divorced it will put you in a real bind. Not only that but I know plenty of SAHMs with crappy relationships and if you quit I bet your DH would complain about how he works all day and it should be your job to care for the kids 100%.

But I do agree with other posts that it's time to outsource more. I recently hired a cleaning service and it's really taken a lot of stress off of me and Dh. I really believe a clean house makes DH a more relaxed guy so it's worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the ones who suggested OP quit her job. She has three tiny children including twins. I was in her exact situation. Unless you have walked in her shoes, you don't understand. Having a toddler plus twins is extremely demanding and something has to give. I don't know anyone who was able to work a full time professional job with two babies and one infant unless you were making a fortune and had full time help..Is that the solution? I don't think so..I think the easier solution here (to keep her family intact and avoid a divorce) is for her to quit her full time job. Woman can have it all but they can't have it all at the same time. Twins are tons of work and very stressful. The sleep deprivation is extreme. It is exhausting.

It's even more exhausting being with little kids all the time. At least she now gets a break at work. sAHM sucks. I SAHM by force (unemployed) for a year and it SUCKED.

I agree.

And if your marriage is in trouble, quitting your job screws you over later. Keep working, OP.

[Anonymous]

I probably shouldn't be writing since I don't have a model marriage but I am working on it. The first thing is communication. No one is listening..everyone's guard is up. Everybody is tense, everyone is overwhelmed. Take a step back and instead of focusing on him, focus on you. Say, what do I need to change. You can only change you. Ask, What is my contribution to this mess. believe me in a marriage both are at fault. There are great books out there. One that changed my life was fierce women by Kimberly Wagner. It is from a Christian perspective but don't let that stop you. Then there is one I am reading on communications called marriage forecasting by muehlhoff...also every working woman and man should read The book called Margin........After all that, have an honest conversation with him which does not blame. Admit where you have let stress get the better of you. Apologize for your wrong and say you want to discuss a way forward to get a handle on your lives. listen without interruption. dont hit back verbally if he hurts you with his words. Hopefully he will see the change in you over time and this will make him think. Ask him, Can he think about what you could both do to reduce stress, get a better handle on the kids, etc.

I am not advocating for you to tAke all the blame..of course he has equal if not more blame but you will not make him see that..he will have to see that himself and at the moment his guard is up against you...lead, by example, and hopefully his shutters will come down. It takes time but keep at it. Divorce is not the solution I don't think at this stage...it is a quick response to someone who doesn't seem to love you and you are hurt, stressed and tired...believe me the condition is temporary..put in some hard work now and you are likely to reap the benefits.
Hopefully one of the strategies you come up with will be to get a nanny. If you pick a loving one,believe me, it is a lifesaver and worth every penny.. Good luck

[Anonymous]

"he needs to leave" ? 9:55, really?

He'd be a fool to leave. Spouses don't leave because the other spouse thinks they should. They certainly should not leave and jeopardize their custody rights!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- Each incident alone is certainly not enough. But we now have no positive moments. All of our interactions are negative. No sex. Any sort of physical contact -- hugs, kisses -- are initiated by me and he usually acts put out just to give me a hug. He seems to only have disgust for me and nothing I do is good enough. And it is starting to have an impact on our oldest who is commenting and talking about it at school.

OP, I could have written this post. We are in therapy now, but it is excruciatingly slow - partly because our schedules and the therapist's aren't meshing well. I am frustrated. I know how you feel. I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 young children & many days we are completely stressed. We've found the key to be, regular sex, recognizing when each of us needs to step away from the home & go for a walk or run, outsourcing chores around the home, take out, wine & paper plates. Less dishes, more sex. It strengthens the relationship. When things were getting bitter between us, I went out of my way to swoon over DH to make him feel loved, appreciated & respected. After treating him extremely well for a few days in a row & biting my tongue when I was annoyed, he started to treat me the same way. Working together, especially in the evenings (dinner, babies in bath then to bed, prepping for the next day, 2 mins of cleanup per room) with the goal of getting to sit down together with a glass of wine & a good show always helps too. Calm communication & showing love can possibly help you both get on track as teammates in parenting/life.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP I don't see how this will be repaired. If you are having no physical contact, and he won't go to therapy, there's no hope. Hugs to you. By all means don't quit your job.