Birthday invite has specific "suggested" gift item

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is tacky to do this but - I am sure they were just trying to avoid duplicate/unwanted toys. Not sure if there is a less tacky way to handle - maybe include a note that says: Little Arianna loves hosting tea parties and playing with dolls that pee, or including a small wish list.

There is NO non-tacky way to handle it. A birthday gift is an expression of affection, not a ticket of admission. Getting duplicate/unwanted toys is a minor hassle - you can regift, give it away, pass it on to your preschool - and teaches the child that the world is not organized to his/her convenience. This is not a wedding - it doesn't matter if the china set is incomplete or nonmatching.

[Anonymous]

If the girl wants a tea set - the mom should go out and get her the damn tea set - It is absolutely disgusting that the mother wrote this. I received an invite once that said - child prefers gift card to Game Stop for her new Wii so I got the gift card and sent it and did not go to the party and never got her a gift again (sadly - it was my SIL that did this). Beyond TACKY!

[Anonymous]

I have never seen this and I wouldn't do it (out of fear of the catty, etiquette police clamoring) but this is a great idea!!

Seriously, it is very difficult to figure out what another kid has or wants. DD gets invited to alot of BB parties beyond the 2-3 little friends who we know. You don't want to give a disney princess doll to a kid that watches no TV and had a feminist mom. Everyone seems to have all the same books. We shoot in the dark and the other parents then have to return it. What a waste of time for everyone. If you have tons of time on your hand and like to go shopping maybe it is fun to return and shop again but for most it isn't. I always feel bad returning kid gifts because it is cute when DD weeks later tell her little friend at school how much she likes such and such that Susie gave her. When the bday kid gets get a 5th whatever, it just doesn't make sense not to return.

As a practical rather than ceremony type mom, I would love a note that told me what the kids would like so I could just go get it and know the kid would really enjoy it. As far as the thought, I always like giving gifts that I know the receiver will enjoy or was hoping to get, isn't that the point of giving a gift?

This strikes me as a practical approach and I doubt the parent is hung up on the etiquette. If you don't want to buy a teapot I doubt the parent would care if you bought something else.

It seems petty to me to not let your child go to a bday party because the mom violated one of your etiquette rules on the invite. If your 3 year old is not offended, then you should go. Afterall your child was invited to the party not you so shouldn't it be about the kids and not you?

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the parent's in this thread saying that the idea is OUTRAGEOUS are the same parents that fill up the bottom of the xmas tree with zillions of gifts to indulge their little angels...

[Anonymous]

Seriously, it is very difficult to figure out what another kid has or wants.

Me, calling to RSVP: "Hi Mom, I'm calling to say Kid would love to come to Boy's party."

Mom: "Great, Boy is looking forward to it a lot."

Me: "Say, is there anything in particular that Boy is really into these days? Like robots, Star Wars, pirates ....?"

Mom: "Well, whatever you think would be fun." (note, 1st response deflects)

Me: "Well I was thinking of something having to do with pirates, since My Kid loves pirates so much?"

Mom: "That sounds really great. Boy also loves Hot Wheels, I know he plays Hot Wheels with Your Kid when they're over here ...."

Me: "Perfect, I'll see you Saturday at 1 then."

Mom: "Great! Bye bye."

[Anonymous]

I'm outraged, but, then again I think adults having showers with registries is equally outrageous, and that seems totally socially acceptable.

[Anonymous]

I actually would be annoyed to be told specifically what to buy. I wouldn't be annoyed if I was given a wish list, or a general idea of what the kid likes (princess toys, dora and diego, etc.). But ultimately, it would be my child making the decision on what to buy for his little friend.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't get a tea set, but I would WANT to get the most hideous, garish, terrible tea set I could find. I just wouldn't have the nerve to actually do it.

[Anonymous]

"Me, calling to RSVP: "Hi Mom, I'm calling to say Kid would love to come to Boy's party."

Mom: "Great, Boy is looking forward to it a lot."

Me: "Say, is there anything in particular that Boy is really into these days? Like robots, Star Wars, pirates ....?"

Mom: "Well, whatever you think would be fun." (note, 1st response deflects)

Me: "Well I was thinking of something having to do with pirates, since My Kid loves pirates so much?"

Mom: "That sounds really great. Boy also loves Hot Wheels, I know he plays Hot Wheels with Your Kid when they're over here ...."

Me: "Perfect, I'll see you Saturday at 1 then."

Mom: "Great! Bye bye."


Not reality. We work so any calls during the day go to voicemail and we turn the phone ringer off at 7:30 to not wake the baby. On weekends, we are usually outside in the backyard, have relatives over, or go do things with the kids. I honestly have never picked up the phone with another live mom on the other end. Same goes for the moms I call.

Some of the etiquette attitudes just do not reflect changing society and the way people do and can spend their time. I wish we would focus more on just being nice to each other, inclusive, and putting the kids first.

[Anonymous]

"I wouldn't get a tea set, but I would WANT to get the most hideous, garish, terrible tea set I could find. I just wouldn't have the nerve to actually do it. "

Are you nuts? Everyone has a right to get their knickers in knot about something silly every once in awhile. I think its called having a pet peeve, perhaps this could be yours? You can complain to your friends and stew but to boycott a kid's party or buy something ugly???

[Anonymous]

what if the poor kid doesn't even really want a teaset?

i think it's funny. my kid always changes her mind about what she wants for christmas/birthdays and there's no way she could come up with 15 things she wants from 15 different people. seems like a parent prefers list. the gift card to target is particularly funny...

[Anonymous]

Is this a friend of your child's that s/he would like to keep? Or is this any random kid who's inviting the whole preschool class?

If the former, I'd go to the party. If the latter, I'd send my regrets.

In either case, I'd get exactly what I'd planned to get the girl all along. If I didn't have any ideas, I might take the suggestion.

The karmic part of me would like to think I'd include in my birthday card to the child a self-addressed, stamped envelope thanking myself for the lovely teapot, and leaving a blank line for the girl to sign her name. It might cause the parent to realize her rudeness in asking for a specific gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:there is no way to do this without it being rude and tacky. you never ask for a gift, it always makes the other oerson feel bad. If the toys are duplicated, tough. Either take it back or donate it.

How about a brief statement at the bottom of the invite - "No gifts please".
Seeing all the beleagured responses of parents complaining about having to return the duplicate gifts your DC receives or how many birthday parties your DC attends and thus the parent has the hassle of finding the right gift - it makes me wonder.

I am one of the most materialistic people I know but seriously - everyone, the birthday child and the party guest children AND THE ADULTS could learn some real nice lessons if the no gift rule were to be instituted -- not the least of which would be discontinuing the entitlement mindset we seem to be engendering in our youth and derailing the focus on the haves and the have nots (i.e., Sally's parents could only afford to spend X on Ann's bday gift while most of the other kids' parents spent XX on Ann's bday gift.

I plan on instituting the no gift rule with my DD's bday parties (of course she'll get a good load from family, I am not an ogre).

[Anonymous]

What if the gift (tea set, WII game, whatever) it outside the giver's price range? We are on a pretty tight budget, and I have a pretty low amount budgeted for birthday gifts, simply because that's the situation we're in. If it's "suggested" that I buy a gift out of that range, do I get something else and look cheap, or break the budget to comply with the request? The parents making this request need to be aware that not everyone is in a position to splurge on their little darling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not reality. We work so any calls during the day go to voicemail and we turn the phone ringer off at 7:30 to not wake the baby. On weekends, we are usually outside in the backyard, have relatives over, or go do things with the kids. I honestly have never picked up the phone with another live mom on the other end. Same goes for the moms I call.

Some of the etiquette attitudes just do not reflect changing society and the way people do and can spend their time. I wish we would focus more on just being nice to each other, inclusive, and putting the kids first.

Really?? I find this really realistic. Especially so as this is how I've always handled presents at birthdays. If I don't hear from them, I leave a voice message and ask them to let me know if there is anything in particular the child would like. If they don't call, fine. But if there is something that the kid really wants, they can call back.

It isn't just a question of "etiquette." It is obnoxious to tell a person to bring a particular gift for their child. And changing society? As far as I can tell, there has been ONE person on this thread that thought - hey, great idea. And about a dozen who think it is really tacky and rude. I'd wager a guess and say that you are out of touch with society...