Birthday invite has specific "suggested" gift item

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The book exchange is a terrific idea. As my kids have gotten older, more parties have had a designated charity - you bring a gift to be donated. The birthday child is honored by the party and celebration - they don't need loot too!

I actually think it is annoying to force people to shop for your designated charity. Like, it is my kid's birthday, so SOMEBODY is getting a gift. Why not just say "no gifts" and just have a party? I told people not to get me wedding gifts, and didn't feel like they would just die if I didn't provide them an alternate charitable cause for spending all the extra cash they would have lying around. If you want to take the focus off the gifts, take them out of the equation entirely. Show your child that people's company is what is valuable in life, not how much they spend in connection with an event (whether it be philanthropic or not). I trust my friends to donate money in their own ways to their own causes, and if I want to solicit for a cause, I don't use personal celebrations to do so.

YES YES YES. THIS is what I have been trying to say, PP, thank you! Again, all of this is the parents doing, NOT the child. And I think that is kind of shitty.

Words fail me. You feel that strongly that you can't rummage around and find an old toy in your kids closet to hand over to a needy child?
Signed,
The parent doing the shitty thing of encouraging selflessness in my child.

[Anonymous]

As I think back on all my birthdays, I fondly remembe how excited I was to get presents! That was the best part!

And now, some 30 years later, I am not a greedy, gift grubbing adult. In fact, I stopped having birthday parties when I was around 10. Still got gifts from my parents and super close friends, but we didn't do the big parties with all the relatives and neighbors.

So...by getting gifts for your birthday, you aren't automatically going to grow up to be a selfish pig! Don't deny these poor little kids the pleasure of getting gifts! If the gifts are wrong, duplicates or unwanted - then go ahead and donate them, or take some of the older toys and donate them.

And if a parent recommends a gift they know their kid will like - go ahead and get it...or not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Words fail me. You feel that strongly that you can't rummage around and find an old toy in your kids closet to hand over to a needy child?
Signed,
The parent doing the shitty thing of encouraging selflessness in my child.

Encouraging selflessness in your child is fine; dictating other people's charitable contributions, not so much.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it seems words did NOT fail the PP. She had many a word for her strong feelings about forcing others to contribute charitably during a child's birthday party.

I am all for volunteering. I am all for book swaps, saving trees and animals, recycling computers....WHATEVER. BUT NOT DURING A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A CHILD. For the love of Pete, are people dense? Can they not get the difference here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it seems words did NOT fail the PP. She had many a word for her strong feelings about forcing others to contribute charitably during a child's birthday party.

I am all for volunteering. I am all for book swaps, saving trees and animals, recycling computers....WHATEVER. BUT NOT DURING A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A CHILD. For the love of Pete, are people dense? Can they not get the difference here?

If the parent of the child in question wants to turn the birthday party into a "charitable event", why shouldn't they. How many young children actually have a say in planning their birthday party. Children that young do have any expectations for parties or gifts - its all created by the parents, so therefore the parents should be free to design it as they wish (including suggesting gifts, which I personally oppose).

Our daughter did not have a first or second birthday party, for her third we had a 30 minute "celebration" at her preschool, no gifts, just cupcakes and apple juice with her friends - she still talks about it to this day. She is already talking about the party for her 4th, but in her mind it is an opportunity for her to play with her friends - I don't even think that she fully understands that she will get gifts on her birthday.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that the "right" way is the way that the parents choose to go - I you do not like their approach, dont go!,

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure the "if you don't like their approach, don't go" works. Seems like it punishes the wrong people - their child and your child.

Birthday parties for young kids, IMO, are one of those areas where parents really should be cognizant of etiquette and expectations. B/c it really isn't as easy as saying, I just won't go. That just hurts the wrong people.

I don't believe that parents should dictate what gifts should be brought for their kids and this includes charitable giving. I'm not opposed to "no gifts" parties and I always respect the wishes of the parents in those instances.

Of course, the parents throwing the party can do whatever they like - that is their choice - by why CHOOSE to ostracize your kid? That, I just don't get.

[Anonymous]

Well said PP. This idea of dictating gift giving (whether well-intended or just controlling, actually one in the same, right?) is simply bad practice. It is bad practice for adults and it worse for children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure the "if you don't like their approach, don't go" works. Seems like it punishes the wrong people - their child and your child.

Birthday parties for young kids, IMO, are one of those areas where parents really should be cognizant of etiquette and expectations. B/c it really isn't as easy as saying, I just won't go. That just hurts the wrong people.

I don't believe that parents should dictate what gifts should be brought for their kids and this includes charitable giving. I'm not opposed to "no gifts" parties and I always respect the wishes of the parents in those instances.

Of course, the parents throwing the party can do whatever they like - that is their choice - by why CHOOSE to ostracize your kid? That, I just don't get.

Dont go poster here. Sorry I should have been more clear. I was not suggesting "don't go" as a real option, just that if the parents approach is so offensive the only real option is to opt out since the other option (using it as an opportunity to teach the parent) is totally unworkable. The parent may not get the lesson and if they do, your child may not get invited to another party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dont go poster here.

I like that. Maybe along the lines of "going postal," we need a new expression--"going DCUM"?

[Anonymous]

Wow -- do any of you posters here who are anti gift grab really think that it makes that much difference?

As a kid, I was the kid who whose mom would send me off to birthday parties and forget to send a gift with me. So I hope nobody thinks it is ever appropriate to hold the kid accountable for what the parents do, because I remember at a very young age knowing enough to feel criticized and mortified. Not by the kids, but by the parents. And it's really sad to me to see how many of you seem to think the little girl will be a grasping brat simply because mom is making a bad call on a gift. I know people who are embarrassed by their parents sense of entitlement, which I think seems to capture the offense many of you feel about the gift specification.

I'm ancient, so i remember doing things like McDonalds bday parties and roller skating b-day parties as a kid. (Best would be when my mom would drop me off without not only present but also with insufficient money for admission if not covered by the party so my mortification would be doubled -- but of course, whose fault is this, my mom's for assuming a host would cover all the kids or the host for assuming all the kids could pay to get in?). I'm digressing. For the birthday parties I had personally or went to as a kid, I don't frankly remember the gifts as much as I remembered the fun of the parties.

Another thing I find so interesting about this post is how worked up some of you are getting over the idea of doing a "theme" party where gifts are not given but rather some sort of creative exchange is involved. I definitely understand that one shouldn't force their ideas on another, and maybe birthday parties should just be about presents and clowns, but since the party is really something special to celebrate the child having the birthday, why shouldn't he or she get some say? If that kid is a bookworm and asks to do a book exchange, I don't see any harm. I might, however, take care to make sure the invite specified no gifts, and that there would be a voluntary book exchange for those interested. (And then I'd probably buy a few extra books (or whatever the gift is) so kids with forgetful moms like mine didn't feel left out).

I think the key to anything is to make gift giving of any kind optional and not some sort of cover charge.

As far as the gift specification goes, I personally would never put "child wants ____" on an invitation. It's not that I'm a stickler for etiquette, I just don't think it's nice. When you say "buy my child this" you are being rude. If it were a close friend I might say "what's with the gift specification, damn!" If not a close friend, I would probably just get a gift card and content myself with a shake of the head. Please, though, people, don't take it out on the kid. Just like I used to show up feeling mortified that I didn't have a present, I had friends who were quite precociously embarrassed by their parents' behavior.

When my child is here (I'm a lurker from expecting moms) I will keep in mind that some parents forget or just don't have enough money to buy gifts, so at any party I throw, I will be sure to have a few wrapped presents laying around and I'll figure out a way to sneak them to any kid who came gift-less and make them feel special about giving it.

One last thing, I do understand what some of you mean by don't force your child to be altruistic before it's time. But if a parent specifies no gifts, he or she can do something else that will be just as special. Children are conditioned to see gifts as part of birthdays, it doesn't just happen naturally. Anyway, disjointed rant over. Forgive me for being scattered, I'm pregnant over here.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it seems words did NOT fail the PP. She had many a word for her strong feelings about forcing others to contribute charitably during a child's birthday party.

I am all for volunteering. I am all for book swaps, saving trees and animals, recycling computers....WHATEVER. BUT NOT DURING A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A CHILD. For the love of Pete, are people dense? Can they not get the difference here?

If the parent of the child in question wants to turn the birthday party into a "charitable event", why shouldn't they. How many young children actually have a say in planning their birthday party. Children that young do have any expectations for parties or gifts - its all created by the parents, so therefore the parents should be free to design it as they wish (including suggesting gifts, which I personally oppose).

Our daughter did not have a first or second birthday party, for her third we had a 30 minute "celebration" at her preschool, no gifts, just cupcakes and apple juice with her friends - she still talks about it to this day. She is already talking about the party for her 4th, but in her mind it is an opportunity for her to play with her friends - I don't even think that she fully understands that she will get gifts on her birthday.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that the "right" way is the way that the parents choose to go - I you do not like their approach, dont go!,

Thank you. Your post nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure the "if you don't like their approach, don't go" works. Seems like it punishes the wrong people - their child and your child.

Birthday parties for young kids, IMO, are one of those areas where parents really should be cognizant of etiquette and expectations. B/c it really isn't as easy as saying, I just won't go. That just hurts the wrong people.

I don't believe that parents should dictate what gifts should be brought for their kids and this includes charitable giving. I'm not opposed to "no gifts" parties and I always respect the wishes of the parents in those instances.

Of course, the parents throwing the party can do whatever they like - that is their choice - by why CHOOSE to ostracize your kid? That, I just don't get.

I am not sure how making my child's bday a no gift party ostracizes her. It doesn't affect your kids - your kid still gets a fun party, cake, snacks etc. And my child will bring a lovely gift to your child's bday party as is obvious will be expected.

I also think it is sad that you, an adult, have written that. As has been pointed out in other posts little ones are conditioned to expect gifts. If your child asks why mine did not get gifts I would hope you would give an explanation that is honest but non-judgmental. However, since you have posted a blanket assumption that a giftless party ostracizes a child I can see that indeed my child will be ostracized with parents like you around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
3.) Just respond "we are unable to attend" and be done with it. Do not lower yourself to these people's level by being rude or mean or petty. They are so pathetic that they are not even worth talking about either so don't gossip about this either.

I thought about that, too. But what if your kid genuinely likes the other kid and wants to go? What if "everyone" declined the invite and the little girl didn't get to have a party at all?

I still vote for bringing whatever gift you want.

that's what i was thinking too. why punish the kid because her mother lacks etiquette? that's mean to the kid. i would rather go with a nontea seat gift than not go at all... that is, if the kids were friends.

I agree, go, bring a gift, but have your kid choose the gift, bring a nice gift ... and tell Mom that my DD chose this gift for her DD.

I like to have my child involved in chosing gift for b'day parties, sometimes this is more work but trying to choose a nice gift for someone else is very difficult and how I wish my DH had learned this as a kid!!!