Reply to I'm thirty and worried about my future.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP to 14:58: Your points are well taken. As far as the not finding anyone better, I think I wrote that in an unclear way. He means that he knows I am the best person for him, and no one else would compare. However, that doesn't seem to be enough to overcome his issues.

Does anyone know of situations where it took losing the woman to make the guy snap out of it?[/quote]

OP, as I said at 14:58, the thing about being in a relationship with a person who has mental health issues (I am and sometimes wish I had taken the advice that I gave you) is that it's not about "snapping out of it". The issues you described are going to get worse as you add more grown up stuff to your life. I am the one who is in charge of all the planning of things - I will never ever be posting about the awesome surprise weekend away my DH took me on because he has repeatedly stated that the very idea of planning such a thing (even booking a hotel and getting directions for how to get there) is too stressful for him. He will be surprised by the holiday season every year. He will always forget when Thanksgiving is, and he will always be surprised that this annoys me. He will never be "ready" in his mind for the adult things we do. They will always seem like a burden to him.

On my really bad days, I will admit that there are times when I think I made a mistake toughing it out, but like the PP who said she felt unkind not sticking by her ex through his mental health issues, I feel like if I had walked away, I would have been being selfish and cruel to someone I love. On the good days (and there are many), I recognize the things he IS good at and the ways he DOES make me happy and am content with that.[/quote]

14:58 here. I just realized that that all sounds particularly dire. It is not the WORST THING EVER. But I would caution you to consider this: if things did not get better, if he agreed to marry you but these issues persisted for the rest of your lives, is that a thing you could live with?

It sounds like you are making this choice out of inertia and fear of being alone. Since you have already started this conversation, I'd encourage you to have a conversation about what marriage means to you and what it means to him. It sounds like he is unreasonably freaked out by the very idea of getting married and possibly has some unrealistic expectations of his responsibilities, etc. Do you want to have children? Do you want to have children IMMEDIATELY? Do you expect him to be the primary breadwinner in the family? All of these questions are to determine what things he is anticipating failing at/is not ready for right now and bringing them into line with what your expectations actually are.[/quote]

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