A friends "secret" and how to handle....

[Anonymous]

Op many of the posters on this board cheat or see cheating as kind of a cool edgy thing to do to spice up a boring marriage or to keep from feeling middle aged. Many don't see anything wrong with it as it is not illegal.

You would be better to go and post on a site like survivinginfidelity where people all have experience with cheating spouses and can give you less 'cheating is no big deal' advice and more real life experience advice.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised that most people if they found out their best friend's husband was cheating on them, wouldn't tell their friend. That they would still act like everything was cool, hang out and golf with the husband, and wouldn't feel that their friend needed to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that most people if they found out their best friend's husband was cheating on them, wouldn't tell their friend. That they would still act like everything was cool, hang out and golf with the husband, and wouldn't feel that their friend needed to know.

You have it backwards. Think about your post and how it is differwnt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that most people if they found out their best friend's husband was cheating on them, wouldn't tell their friend. That they would still act like everything was cool, hang out and golf with the husband, and wouldn't feel that their friend needed to know.

12:03 here.

At the end of the day you have to maintain your integrity... And everyone views things through their own lenses. I've been cheated on and and still, I'd say to stay out of it. That's just me. If you feel it's in your heart to tell then do it and stand by it. Personally, based on my experiences, I would be a friend and express my dismay yet still be supportive. Sometimes when you tell people they go further into denial (the cheated on spouse) and then it backfires right on your face. If you're ok with that than go for it. But like I said, these things have a way of working themselves out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that most people if they found out their best friend's husband was cheating on them, wouldn't tell their friend. That they would still act like everything was cool, hang out and golf with the husband, and wouldn't feel that their friend needed to know.

You have it backwards. Think about your post and how it is differwnt.

It isn't different. It is still getting involved in someone else's marriage. Someone they are friends with and spend time with. I am just surprised that people are so against that. They would sit by and watch their friend gets STDs from the cheating spouse, maybe find out he had another kid with someone else, listen to their friend talk about poor husband working late when they know he is out cheating, go on vacations with them and still all buddy buddy with the husband - all because they believe that telling the innocent spouse about the affair and the cheating is wrong because it is getting involved in someone else's marriage.

I just disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op many of the posters on this board cheat or see cheating as kind of a cool edgy thing to do to spice up a boring marriage or to keep from feeling middle aged. Many don't see anything wrong with it as it is not illegal.

You would be better to go and post on a site like survivinginfidelity where people all have experience with cheating spouses and can give you less 'cheating is no big deal' advice and more real life experience advice.

So it is you again, after all, with your stupid site!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that most people if they found out their best friend's husband was cheating on them, wouldn't tell their friend. That they would still act like everything was cool, hang out and golf with the husband, and wouldn't feel that their friend needed to know.

12:03 here.

At the end of the day you have to maintain your integrity... And everyone views things through their own lenses. I've been cheated on and and still, I'd say to stay out of it. That's just me. If you feel it's in your heart to tell then do it and stand by it. Personally, based on my experiences, I would be a friend and express my dismay yet still be supportive. Sometimes when you tell people they go further into denial (the cheated on spouse) and then it backfires right on your face. If you're ok with that than go for it. But like I said, these things have a way of working themselves out.

Are you upset that you found out about the cheating? Do you wish that instead you just didn't know about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that most people if they found out their best friend's husband was cheating on them, wouldn't tell their friend. That they would still act like everything was cool, hang out and golf with the husband, and wouldn't feel that their friend needed to know.

Huh? You obviously have no concept of friendship, or family, and for you, everything is interchangable; it makes no difference who cheats on whom. For most people, it does make a difference. Most people do not enjoy playing moral police (like you do).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that most people if they found out their best friend's husband was cheating on them, wouldn't tell their friend. That they would still act like everything was cool, hang out and golf with the husband, and wouldn't feel that their friend needed to know.

12:03 here.

At the end of the day you have to maintain your integrity... And everyone views things through their own lenses. I've been cheated on and and still, I'd say to stay out of it. That's just me. If you feel it's in your heart to tell then do it and stand by it. Personally, based on my experiences, I would be a friend and express my dismay yet still be supportive. Sometimes when you tell people they go further into denial (the cheated on spouse) and then it backfires right on your face. If you're ok with that than go for it. But like I said, these things have a way of working themselves out.

Are you upset that you found out about the cheating? Do you wish that instead you just didn't know about it?

No one told me -- I just had a baby and was dealing with all that so, know myself, I would've been in deeper denial. I found out by happenstance and pursued it on my own and got the truth.

Also, surviving infertility is a great great site, don't dog it. I didn't use it heavily but I've been on there and it's helped so many people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that most people if they found out their best friend's husband was cheating on them, wouldn't tell their friend. That they would still act like everything was cool, hang out and golf with the husband, and wouldn't feel that their friend needed to know.

12:03 here.

At the end of the day you have to maintain your integrity... And everyone views things through their own lenses. I've been cheated on and and still, I'd say to stay out of it. That's just me. If you feel it's in your heart to tell then do it and stand by it. Personally, based on my experiences, I would be a friend and express my dismay yet still be supportive. Sometimes when you tell people they go further into denial (the cheated on spouse) and then it backfires right on your face. If you're ok with that than go for it. But like I said, these things have a way of working themselves out.

Are you upset that you found out about the cheating? Do you wish that instead you just didn't know about it?

No one told me -- I just had a baby and was dealing with all that so, know myself, I would've been in deeper denial. I found out by happenstance and pursued it on my own and got the truth.

Also, surviving infertility is a great great site, don't dog it. I didn't use it heavily but I've been on there and it's helped so many people.

Oh and to answer your second Q, I'm not upset now. Initially I was shaken to the core but over time I learned that it's just the way life is.. unpredictable. We're still together but we are going to divorce in the near future. Tried to work it out but there were lots of issue before the infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that most people if they found out their best friend's husband was cheating on them, wouldn't tell their friend. That they would still act like everything was cool, hang out and golf with the husband, and wouldn't feel that their friend needed to know.

You have it backwards. Think about your post and how it is differwnt.

It isn't different. It is still getting involved in someone else's marriage. Someone they are friends with and spend time with. I am just surprised that people are so against that. They would sit by and watch their friend gets STDs from the cheating spouse, maybe find out he had another kid with someone else, listen to their friend talk about poor husband working late when they know he is out cheating, go on vacations with them and still all buddy buddy with the husband - all because they believe that telling the innocent spouse about the affair and the cheating is wrong because it is getting involved in someone else's marriage.

I just disagree.

it not just about getting involved in another person's marriage (though by your logic, of I suspect two people on a street are lovers having an affair, I should follow them and inform their spouses), it's also about betraying your friend. If my daughter cheated on her husband, I wouldn't tell him, but I would tell her if her husband cheated on her. If you don't understand the difference, then, lets just say it is becoming increasingly clear why your husband cheated on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that most people if they found out their best friend's husband was cheating on them, wouldn't tell their friend. That they would still act like everything was cool, hang out and golf with the husband, and wouldn't feel that their friend needed to know.

12:03 here.

At the end of the day you have to maintain your integrity... And everyone views things through their own lenses. I've been cheated on and and still, I'd say to stay out of it. That's just me. If you feel it's in your heart to tell then do it and stand by it. Personally, based on my experiences, I would be a friend and express my dismay yet still be supportive. Sometimes when you tell people they go further into denial (the cheated on spouse) and then it backfires right on your face. If you're ok with that than go for it. But like I said, these things have a way of working themselves out.

I agree. In my circle of friends there was a woman who outed another woman's husband. As crazy as it sounds the person who was cheated on ended up getting upset at the person who outed her husband. The person cheated on withdrew. She's still with her husband. Nothing good came out of a third party jumping into their marriage trying to police it. A better move would have been to be a friend and just been there for a shoulder to cry on when undoubtedly her wold came crashing down. Being a busy body is never a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my closest friends and the mother of one of my daughters good friends confided me over lunch a few days ago that she had an "indiscretion" with a colleague, someone who she said is 20 years younger than her! She is 49 and hes in his late 20's! She told me he came on strong to her and how he had always had this crush on her,etc...and shes aid it just happened. She said it happened at an overnight conference and that it was a one night deal. The thing is I have no idea why she told me this, I did not want to know and now i can't get it out of my mind! On top of that we are supposed to go with them on a weekend trip in 2 weeks and I am just feeling really turned off to her and really don't want to go. My husband wants to go because its partly a golf outing too and of course my D wants to go...I cannot tell them the real reason why. Call me a prude but this just has me feeling like maybe this is not someone I really want to be friends with afterall...how to graciously bow out and also do so without having to reveal her secret? I do not approve and its very hard for me to fake it.

I would go on the trip and get over it -- this is not about you. If she never mentions it again, than yes, it probably was a one time thing that she regrets but if she keeps bringing it up and wants to talk about it, than I would probably distance myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She said it was an unplanned, one time thing. In the abstract, I, too, am very critical if infidelity, but this person is your friend and is human. Find some compassion and humility.

Agreed.
. But then again, amongst us there are some of those like the current OP that would rather ditch her friend than try to undersand her.
OP, most likely your friend does not have anyone close to share this with and she trusts you, that's why she shared.
But you can't force compassion on people. Cut all ties with your friend because you are obviously not a good friend and you may hurt her even more in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said it was an unplanned, one time thing. In the abstract, I, too, am very critical if infidelity, but this person is your friend and is human. Find some compassion and humility.

Agreed.
. But then again, amongst us there are some of those like the current OP that would rather ditch her friend than try to undersand her.
OP, most likely your friend does not have anyone close to share this with and she trusts you, that's why she shared.
But you can't force compassion on people. Cut all ties with your friend because you are obviously not a good friend and you may hurt her even more in the future.

At least she is not planning on telling her friend's husband as one of the running crazies here is suggesting.