A friends "secret" and how to handle....

[Anonymous]

"Just happened" is such b.s. "Hey look at that, a penis is in my vagina! Crazy!"

That said, I'd use the information as leverage to blackmail the woman into being my sex slave. But I probably read too many porn stories.

[Anonymous]

I think its personal. I personally wouldn't go because this would affect how I feel about her too much and I would not be able to hide my feelings. I am old school with these things and have no tolerance for cheating. PERIOD. So by my going with her on the trip in a sense is condoning her behavior and i just couldn't do that to myself forget her. It would feel morally wrong for me. But again not for everyone. If it feels wrong to you, don't go- simple. And I tell my husband everything so i would have told him, wrong or right....that's just me.

[Anonymous]

OP, while I do not agree w/your stance on this issue and think you are being a little too judgmental regarding your friend, it is your prerogative in life who you do and do not want to socialize with and if something this person does makes you feel uncomfortable, then you have every right to not spend any more time in her company.

That being said, if you already have committed to this trip beforehand, I suggest you go ahead and go. I understand on your end it won't be too pleasant being around this woman who probably makes you extremely uncomfortable now, but since the rest of your family is already looking forward to this trip and you have already agreed to go, I would just go. Try to have as little contact w/your friend as possible and maybe she will get the hint.

After the trip, then you can cut off any friendship ties you have w/her.
People will most likely want to know why, if you can...You can confide in your husband because he probably will be confused why suddenly you do not want to spend any time w/this woman.

It will be tough since your daughters are such good friends however. You may have to just "suck it up" and agree to be at least civil for the girl's sakes.

I am guessing your friend confided in you about her fling because she had a lot of guilt inside and needed to tell someone.

[Anonymous]

Exactly. What her friend did was not good, but she was lonely and feeling quilty most likely and needed a friend to share this with.

[Anonymous]

She's trusting you to be a friend , keep a secret , and help her move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly. What her friend did was not good, but she was lonely and feeling quilty most likely and needed a friend to share this with.

Nobody is "good". Judging others errors is not "good". Build bridges don't put up walls to people who reach out to you in their time of need... Now THAT... You will be judged on.

[Anonymous]

If this goes against your moral compass you have ZERO obligation to go on this trip. Why go if you are going to harbor negative feelings? What a waste of time and energy. If you feel you are "done" with the friendship then end it now and move on. You might want to tell her the truth that it just isn't' something you can get over right now and she will no choice but to accept it, whether or not she agrees. I am sure if she had any inkling that this would happen she never would have told you. I was once in her shoes and let me tell you the guilt ate me alive. I had to tell someone and did. Unfortunately it did not stop there and my fiance (at the time) found out. As crazy as it sounds, I was relieved, I knew I would not carry the weight of that guilt for long. Ironically I ended up getting engaged to the man I had the affair with! And we are now married for 9 wonderful years, so sometimes there is some good that comes out of these things but in this case this is a married woman carrying on with a man half her age and with kids, its much more complex. Be true to yourself and do not feel forced into going on the trip if it feels wrong.

[Anonymous]

I have been in a similar situation with many different friends.

I have been the shoulder to cry on for multiple friends who had affairs and lost the husband, home and children. One who rebuilt her marriage. One who has actually finally after 5 years found a nice guy, rebuilt her life and finally has visitation with her kids.

Infidelity ruins lives, plain and simple.

We tell our kids to pick their friends wisely but we don't follow that same advice..

1) she only told you to get e weight of the information off her shoulders and onto your. That is not a good friend.
2) No good friend tells a person something and expects them to keep that secret from their own spouse. You have NO obligation to NOT tell your H.
3) is is NOT the first time this "good" friend was selfish and you know it. She is selfish, period.

Now what do you do.
1) tell your H and discuss how to handle the weekend and friendship. I would probably suck it up for the weekend but never plan another vacation together.
2) DO NOT TELL HER HuSBAND. (If you find out she is continuing the affair send him an anonymous letter)
3) this can not affect the daughters, they can be friends without you being friends with the mom.
4) if this was a one time thing and she really is a good friend I would not "dump the friendship" but if you truly evaluate your friend and your friendship with her and you see clearly that she is a selfish person I would slowly step away from the friendship. In 6 months you won't even notice that you hardly talk any more.

[Anonymous]

Its me OP. I thank you for all the advice, the thing that I found really off putting was though she said it was a one time deal she seems really enamored with this guy, even started to tell me about his size, etc...which I DID NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT!!!!!!! But anyone to me who is genuinely remorseful would not have been so laid back to talk about the details. I can see everyone's perspective but i have decided its just more than I can or want to handle. It will feel very strange to be with them (her husband) knowing what I know. I just cannot do it. I also decided i am going to tell my husband because he cannot understand why I suddenly don't want to go on our planned trip.
To anyone who is considering cheating, I advise you not to. And if you do, then keep it to yourself. Its an unfair burden to put on anyone who doesn't ask to be told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this goes against your moral compass you have ZERO obligation to go on this trip. Why go if you are going to harbor negative feelings? What a waste of time and energy. If you feel you are "done" with the friendship then end it now and move on. You might want to tell her the truth that it just isn't' something you can get over right now and she will no choice but to accept it, whether or not she agrees. I am sure if she had any inkling that this would happen she never would have told you. I was once in her shoes and let me tell you the guilt ate me alive. I had to tell someone and did. Unfortunately it did not stop there and my fiance (at the time) found out. As crazy as it sounds, I was relieved, I knew I would not carry the weight of that guilt for long. Ironically I ended up getting engaged to the man I had the affair with! And we are now married for 9 wonderful years, so sometimes there is some good that comes out of these things but in this case this is a married woman carrying on with a man half her age and with kids, its much more complex. Be true to yourself and do not feel forced into going on the trip if it feels wrong.

Sounds to me like you wanted out of the wedding but didn't have the courage to call it off, so you cheated in hopes that your fiance would find out and call it off. No wonder you were relieved-- Your (perhaps unconscious) plan worked. Your advice of being true to yourself and not feel forced into something may be apt, but it certainly was not exemplified by your own behavior.

[Anonymous]

To the contrary PP she was true to HERSELF but HERSELF only...she saw something she wanted went and got it, doubt she was forced, last I checked it takes 2 to have an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its me OP. I thank you for all the advice, the thing that I found really off putting was though she said it was a one time deal she seems really enamored with this guy, even started to tell me about his size, etc...which I DID NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT!!!!!!! But anyone to me who is genuinely remorseful would not have been so laid back to talk about the details. I can see everyone's perspective but i have decided its just more than I can or want to handle. It will feel very strange to be with them (her husband) knowing what I know. I just cannot do it. I also decided i am going to tell my husband because he cannot understand why I suddenly don't want to go on our planned trip.
To anyone who is considering cheating, I advise you not to. And if you do, then keep it to yourself. Its an unfair burden to put on anyone who doesn't ask to be told.

I think you're overreacting if she really is "one of your closest friends". Tell her your honest opinion and if she brings it up again then ok, end the friendship but it sounds like she is having a personal crisis and could use a friend.

[Anonymous]

My closest friend confided that she is bisexual and has an open marriage, completely opposite from my lifestyle. I love her more now because she trusted me that much to share.

[Anonymous]

My best friend cheated on her husband and had a full blown affair. She ended up divorcing and having a relationship with that guy, who eventually dumped her. She is now remarried and has a child.

It was a soap opera. I had many talks with her and was not shy about telling her where she was wrong. Her husband was calling me and asking what was wrong and why she was divorcing him (he never knew about the affair). But I could not turn my back on her. It would be like cutting my sister out of my life. I tried not to judge, but I did tell my husband and we had a lot of conversations about it. My husband was less understanding and to this day his opinion on her is somewhat ruined.

She is still my best friend. Nobody is perfect. People make mistakes and it is between them, their husband and their God. If you no longer like her or enjoy her company, you have every right not to continue a friendship with her. But I would not tell her husband or get involved in any way, beyond talking with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My closest friend confided that she is bisexual and has an open marriage, completely opposite from my lifestyle. I love her more now because she trusted me that much to share.

Sure. But neither of those things is immoral. Betraying a spouse to whom you made vows is. So, apples and oranges.