A friends "secret" and how to handle....

[Anonymous]

One of my closest friends and the mother of one of my daughters good friends confided me over lunch a few days ago that she had an "indiscretion" with a colleague, someone who she said is 20 years younger than her! She is 49 and hes in his late 20's! She told me he came on strong to her and how he had always had this crush on her,etc...and shes aid it just happened. She said it happened at an overnight conference and that it was a one night deal. The thing is I have no idea why she told me this, I did not want to know and now i can't get it out of my mind! On top of that we are supposed to go with them on a weekend trip in 2 weeks and I am just feeling really turned off to her and really don't want to go. My husband wants to go because its partly a golf outing too and of course my D wants to go...I cannot tell them the real reason why. Call me a prude but this just has me feeling like maybe this is not someone I really want to be friends with afterall...how to graciously bow out and also do so without having to reveal her secret? I do not approve and its very hard for me to fake it.

[Anonymous]

This isn't about you. I don't approve either but I would try and separate myself from it all. Go and have fun--fake it if you have to.

[Anonymous]

Then ditch her if that is how you feel.

Personally I would not have such strong feelings about it. I'm more of a listener rather than a judger. At the end of the day I have no idea what drives people to do these sort of things. I don't have to agree, but had she solicited feedback i would have reminded her to try to always remember how her actions impact her kids and shape their memory of her.

Fact is, my father cheated and it has forever darkened my memory of him and made me lose a lot of respect for him.

[Anonymous]

I would probably just go on this trip, but not schedule any future ones.

[Anonymous]

I would not go. You now know more about her as a person and that may shape for sure how you see her as a friend. You know that she lies, cheats, betrays, deceives. You now know she doesn't have the integrity of character you thought she did. That is going to influence how you see her as a friend.
I wouldn't go and watch her act like she cared about her husband when you know she is fucking other men behind his back. It you go and play along, that is really the same as supporting her in having the affair.

Personally I would tell her I can't keep that a secret from my husband - and i would tell her she needed to tell her husband or I would. I think people have a right to know if there are more than 2 people in their marriage. What they decide to do about it is up to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. You now know more about her as a person and that may shape for sure how you see her as a friend. You know that she lies, cheats, betrays, deceives. You now know she doesn't have the integrity of character you thought she did. That is going to influence how you see her as a friend.
I wouldn't go and watch her act like she cared about her husband when you know she is fucking other men behind his back. It you go and play along, that is really the same as supporting her in having the affair.

Personally I would tell her I can't keep that a secret from my husband - and i would tell her she needed to tell her husband or I would. I think people have a right to know if there are more than 2 people in their marriage. What they decide to do about it is up to them.

I'm monogamous, but I think it it totally wrong to Iinterject yourself smack in the middle of other people's marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably just go on this trip, but not schedule any future ones.

+1
Suck it up this time around, adjust future plans.

[Anonymous]

She said it was an unplanned, one time thing. In the abstract, I, too, am very critical if infidelity, but this person is your friend and is human. Find some compassion and humility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. You now know more about her as a person and that may shape for sure how you see her as a friend. You know that she lies, cheats, betrays, deceives. You now know she doesn't have the integrity of character you thought she did. That is going to influence how you see her as a friend.
I wouldn't go and watch her act like she cared about her husband when you know she is fucking other men behind his back. It you go and play along, that is really the same as supporting her in having the affair.

Personally I would tell her I can't keep that a secret from my husband - and i would tell her she needed to tell her husband or I would. I think people have a right to know if there are more than 2 people in their marriage. What they decide to do about it is up to them.

I'm monogamous, but I think it it totally wrong to Iinterject yourself smack in the middle of other people's marriages.

I think it's always the same poster arguing this approach, like everyone is supposed to be policing all marriages, even report on strangers if there are reasonable suspicions.

[Anonymous]

I mostly agree with 11:34. I wouldn't go with her on this trip, nor would I remain friends with her. And I'd tell her I couldn't keep this secret from my husband. I wouldn't tell her husband, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. You now know more about her as a person and that may shape for sure how you see her as a friend. You know that she lies, cheats, betrays, deceives. You now know she doesn't have the integrity of character you thought she did. That is going to influence how you see her as a friend.
I wouldn't go and watch her act like she cared about her husband when you know she is fucking other men behind his back. It you go and play along, that is really the same as supporting her in having the affair.

Personally I would tell her I can't keep that a secret from my husband - and i would tell her she needed to tell her husband or I would. I think people have a right to know if there are more than 2 people in their marriage. What they decide to do about it is up to them.

I'm monogamous, but I think it it totally wrong to Iinterject yourself smack in the middle of other people's marriages.

I wouldn't interject myself into their marriage. Someone has already been interjected into their marriage - it is just that only one party knows. So you personally don't want to know if your spouse is cheating on you however lots of other people. myself included would want to know. I would be pretty angry if we went away on a trip and the others knew that my husband was cheating and I was the only one in the dark - the oblivious fool, while everyone has a good time and covered for my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. You now know more about her as a person and that may shape for sure how you see her as a friend. You know that she lies, cheats, betrays, deceives. You now know she doesn't have the integrity of character you thought she did. That is going to influence how you see her as a friend.
I wouldn't go and watch her act like she cared about her husband when you know she is fucking other men behind his back. It you go and play along, that is really the same as supporting her in having the affair.

Personally I would tell her I can't keep that a secret from my husband - and i would tell her she needed to tell her husband or I would. I think people have a right to know if there are more than 2 people in their marriage. What they decide to do about it is up to them.

I'm monogamous, but I think it it totally wrong to Iinterject yourself smack in the middle of other people's marriages.

I think it's always the same poster arguing this approach, like everyone is supposed to be policing all marriages, even report on strangers if there are reasonable suspicions.

Nope, not that poster at all. Don't feel any need to police anyone's marriage and don't report anything suspicious. If someone brings me into their marriage by telling me they are having an affair then that is when i feel that a spouse should know that there are others in their involved in their marriage and they are the only one unaware.

[Anonymous]

I personally would not associate with anyone that cheats. I'd distance myself from her immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. You now know more about her as a person and that may shape for sure how you see her as a friend. You know that she lies, cheats, betrays, deceives. You now know she doesn't have the integrity of character you thought she did. That is going to influence how you see her as a friend.
I wouldn't go and watch her act like she cared about her husband when you know she is fucking other men behind his back. It you go and play along, that is really the same as supporting her in having the affair.

Personally I would tell her I can't keep that a secret from my husband - and i would tell her she needed to tell her husband or I would. I think people have a right to know if there are more than 2 people in their marriage. What they decide to do about it is up to them.

I'm monogamous, but I think it it totally wrong to Iinterject yourself smack in the middle of other people's marriages.

I think it's always the same poster arguing this approach, like everyone is supposed to be policing all marriages, even report on strangers if there are reasonable suspicions.

Nope, not that poster at all. Don't feel any need to police anyone's marriage and don't report anything suspicious. If someone brings me into their marriage by telling me they are having an affair then that is when i feel that a spouse should know that there are others in their involved in their marriage and they are the only one unaware.

The person didn't bring you into "her marriage" by sharing that info. Just so you know.

[Anonymous]

Go, try and enjoy yourself and don't plan any future trips.

These things work themselves out, I would zip my lips. If she brings it up say that you're still friends but it bothers you. Be honest but don't betray a person's confidence because it betrays your morals. That's not how friendship works. You're still a friend, but gracefully take a step back. Assure her you won't tell a soul. And don't.