A friends "secret" and how to handle....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend cheated on her husband and had a full blown affair. She ended up divorcing and having a relationship with that guy, who eventually dumped her. She is now remarried and has a child.

It was a soap opera. I had many talks with her and was not shy about telling her where she was wrong. Her husband was calling me and asking what was wrong and why she was divorcing him (he never knew about the affair). But I could not turn my back on her. It would be like cutting my sister out of my life. I tried not to judge, but I did tell my husband and we had a lot of conversations about it. My husband was less understanding and to this day his opinion on her is somewhat ruined.

She is still my best friend. Nobody is perfect. People make mistakes and it is between them, their husband and their God. If you no longer like her or enjoy her company, you have every right not to continue a friendship with her. But I would not tell her husband or get involved in any way, beyond talking with her.

+1

[Anonymous]

This is very personal. If its only because of what she did you might be being a little harsh, everyone makes mistakes though granted this is a whopper. Think about how she must feel. Sounds like she needs an open ear.
However if there is more to it like you just don't like her or enjoy her company than you might as well cut things off now because even if she didn't' have the affair, sounds like the friendship would end anyway. Only you know whats right....honesty is always the best policy in my book. Good luck, not an easy situation she has put you in.

[Anonymous]

Wow, there are some judgmental bitches her. She's one of your "closest friends," yet you would drop her for this?

How about this: infidelity doesn't usually come out of nowhere. People have complicated marriages, complicated self-esteem issues... complicated lives.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound like OP was ever a friend in the first place. Had a girlfriend confess to an affair. Yes, it was wrong. She knew that. And she shared details too. But you should be able to bare your soul to a friend even when you're wrong. My GF never told her hubby but did end it, because she knew she was wrong.

As background, her husband is not an angel either. He's still a good man. Most people think he is the most wonderful guy ever and he is (for the most part). But if I didn't know more, I'd think she was a selfish, inconsiderate azz. You never know what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the contrary PP she was true to HERSELF but HERSELF only...she saw something she wanted went and got it, doubt she was forced, last I checked it takes 2 to have an affair.

I meant that it sounds like she felt "forced" to got through with the wedding (perhaps obligated is a better word) so she used infidelity to get the result she wanted. Being true to yourself means being honest about what you want and having the courage to go after it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend cheated on her husband and had a full blown affair. She ended up divorcing and having a relationship with that guy, who eventually dumped her. She is now remarried and has a child.

It was a soap opera. I had many talks with her and was not shy about telling her where she was wrong. Her husband was calling me and asking what was wrong and why she was divorcing him (he never knew about the affair). But I could not turn my back on her. It would be like cutting my sister out of my life. I tried not to judge, but I did tell my husband and we had a lot of conversations about it. My husband was less understanding and to this day his opinion on her is somewhat ruined.

She is still my best friend. Nobody is perfect. People make mistakes and it is between them, their husband and their God. If you no longer like her or enjoy her company, you have every right not to continue a friendship with her. But I would not tell her husband or get involved in any way, beyond talking with her.

Birds of a feather stick together. Of course you are fine with the affair. You also have no problem lying to her husband and covering for her. You can giggle together about what a sucker and a fool he is for believing all your lies and trusting his wife. People who think lying and cheating and betraying are fine are going to stay friends with other people who think lying and cheating and betraying are fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably just go on this trip, but not schedule any future ones.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, there are some judgmental bitches her. She's one of your "closest friends," yet you would drop her for this?

How about this: infidelity doesn't usually come out of nowhere. People have complicated marriages, complicated self-esteem issues... complicated lives.

No, no. "It just happened" -- OP's friend said so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend cheated on her husband and had a full blown affair. She ended up divorcing and having a relationship with that guy, who eventually dumped her. She is now remarried and has a child.

It was a soap opera. I had many talks with her and was not shy about telling her where she was wrong. Her husband was calling me and asking what was wrong and why she was divorcing him (he never knew about the affair). But I could not turn my back on her. It would be like cutting my sister out of my life. I tried not to judge, but I did tell my husband and we had a lot of conversations about it. My husband was less understanding and to this day his opinion on her is somewhat ruined.

She is still my best friend. Nobody is perfect. People make mistakes and it is between them, their husband and their God. If you no longer like her or enjoy her company, you have every right not to continue a friendship with her. But I would not tell her husband or get involved in any way, beyond talking with her.

Birds of a feather stick together. Of course you are fine with the affair. You also have no problem lying to her husband and covering for her. You can giggle together about what a sucker and a fool he is for believing all your lies and trusting his wife. People who think lying and cheating and betraying are fine are going to stay friends with other people who think lying and cheating and betraying are fine.

Oh the drama ! Someone give this poster a golden globe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, there are some judgmental bitches her. She's one of your "closest friends," yet you would drop her for this?

How about this: infidelity doesn't usually come out of nowhere. People have complicated marriages, complicated self-esteem issues... complicated lives.

+1

[Anonymous]

None of you have ever had close friends who did bad, stupid things? My best friend cheated on her husband. It was awful, I didn't approve at all, she knew it, she tried to keep it from me because she knew how strongly I'd disapprove, but I found out. We're still best friends. She didn't need me to tell her how wrong it was, she already knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend cheated on her husband and had a full blown affair. She ended up divorcing and having a relationship with that guy, who eventually dumped her. She is now remarried and has a child.

It was a soap opera. I had many talks with her and was not shy about telling her where she was wrong. Her husband was calling me and asking what was wrong and why she was divorcing him (he never knew about the affair). But I could not turn my back on her. It would be like cutting my sister out of my life. I tried not to judge, but I did tell my husband and we had a lot of conversations about it. My husband was less understanding and to this day his opinion on her is somewhat ruined.

She is still my best friend. Nobody is perfect. People make mistakes and it is between them, their husband and their God. If you no longer like her or enjoy her company, you have every right not to continue a friendship with her. But I would not tell her husband or get involved in any way, beyond talking with her.

Birds of a feather stick together. Of course you are fine with the affair. You also have no problem lying to her husband and covering for her. You can giggle together about what a sucker and a fool he is for believing all your lies and trusting his wife. People who think lying and cheating and betraying are fine are going to stay friends with other people who think lying and cheating and betraying are fine.

Not the PP, but you just sound batty. Were you cheated on? Sounds like you're projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of you have ever had close friends who did bad, stupid things? My best friend cheated on her husband. It was awful, I didn't approve at all, she knew it, she tried to keep it from me because she knew how strongly I'd disapprove, but I found out. We're still best friends. She didn't need me to tell her how wrong it was, she already knew.

My guess is that their "friends" are smart enough to keep the information to themselves. I've had a couple friends mess with married men. Not regularly, but cheat with an ex they never got over who'd gotten married. I didn't agree and they were both embarrassed about it. Out of character for both and neither affair lasted long, during bouts of low self-esteem. I just listened. Someone willingly participating in an affair is probably at a low point. It's unfortunate that some people would walk away from friends during that period. I totally get if its a regular thing, its a character issue. However, if I can't be my most pathetic self with my friends, is it a real friendship? I have stayed in a bad relationship wayyy past an acceptable point and my friends knew I had to see the light for myself. I take the same approach with my friends. Even if I don't agree.

[Anonymous]

For a "friend' to unload on someone unsuspecting is really rude and incredibly inconsiderate. Its not fair to place that burden on anyone who didn't ask for it! I think OP has every right to feel like she does. If she doesn't' want to go on the trip, she shouldn't!
I also would have a hard time and it would be hard to know what I know and have to look at her husband. Just wrong on every level. And you know what OP,I would tell her THAT'S the reason. Let me realize the ramifications of her selfish act.

Cheating is a selfish and cowardly act. It affects every single life involved, including the unsuspecting spouse, the innocent kids and in this case innocent friends. Let her lie in the bed she made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a "friend' to unload on someone unsuspecting is really rude and incredibly inconsiderate. Its not fair to place that burden on anyone who didn't ask for it! I think OP has every right to feel like she does. If she doesn't' want to go on the trip, she shouldn't!
I also would have a hard time and it would be hard to know what I know and have to look at her husband. Just wrong on every level. And you know what OP,I would tell her THAT'S the reason. Let me realize the ramifications of her selfish act.

Cheating is a selfish and cowardly act. It affects every single life involved, including the unsuspecting spouse, the innocent kids and in this case innocent friends. Let her lie in the bed she made.

I agree. I see lots of support for the cheater needing a friend, but was the cheating friend being a true friend when she burdened her friend with this? If I were to cheat, something I cant quite imagine, but lets say for sake of argument I had a moment of weakness, Im sure I would want to unburden it on someone. But I would hopefully see a therapist for that.

Its just another example of why cheating is just a bad bad idea. It just cant be undone. We ALL have physical urges, but I also agree with pp who said, basically, its all complicated. Which is why having a simple no cheating policy is such a good idea. Falling in LOVE with someone else, now THAT would be true torture. Even if you didnt physically cheat. Does not sound like this is what happened here.