Reply to Problems with MIL straining my marriage

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[quote=Anonymous]I agree that you have a DH problem and that you need to establish boundaries.  If your DH isn't willing to do so, you need to establish some for yourself.  I had IL and a DH problem even before we were married.  We spent a lot of time in counseling (my ILs were perfect in my DH's eyes) and almost didn't get married because of it.  Our counselor told us something like 80% of all problems don't go away, you just learn to deal with them better.  I didn't believe it at the time but 15 years into it, I can see it.  I won't go into the whole lurid tale but basically I chose to disengage with my ILs.  I was polite, did my duty, etc but nothing more.  I didn't invite them over, I didn't buy presents/cards (that was DH's responsibility and I reminded him of birthdays/anniversaries, etc.), I didn't call or email.  I did provide DH pictures to give to them but didn't do it myself.  I also didn't go to their family events.  I was treated like shit and since DH couldn't/wouldn't stand up, I withdrew.  I have family and friends that love me and I didn't need them.  It worked out beautifully for me!  DH was uncomfortable with it becuase people asked where I was but that was his problem, not mind.  After we had kids, things changed a lot.  His family got a lot nicer and I slowly engaged them but still have very healthy boundaries.

What it took me (and them) a long time to learn was that people have this idea in their  heads about what their relationship will be with their ILs.  Those ideas can be radically different.[/quote]

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