I want a different life than my husband wants
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Anonymous
| OP do you work? It sounds like you are a SAHM and its hard for you to make a change due to the structure of your kids activities? |
Anonymous
| Why don't you pick one thing in your life that you would like to change and start there. If you say to your husband that you want to change everything about your family's life, he will probably be resistant. But, if you say you would like to change one thing (i.e. go on a camping vacation, take up a weekend hiking hobby, plant a vegetable garden, etc.) he will probably be more willing to engage. Once you start making small changes, you will get a better sense of whether or not you can make yourself happy in this area or if you still need a more dramatic change to start feeling better. Don't start from the assumption that only a dramatic change will do. |
Anonymous
Good idea. However, I will be taking the kids and he will be at home golfing. Sigh. |
Anonymous
Correct. |
Anonymous
Right? On a serious note, I feel for you OP. There's nothing like really not enjoying an area of your life. I have a great job that pays really well, flexible etc - one that most people would but I HATE it and whenever we feel that we can afford for me to leave, something happens and I can't. Really sucks but I tell myself that there are people who have greater problems - a terminal disease, for instance- that they have no control over yet have to endure. |
Anonymous
I see I was too broad in my answer. Your husband is aware you want a lifestyle change correct? I would begin to slowly cutback on lifestyle things. I am assuming your DH doesn't schedule the kids' activities. Begin to cut back there. Instead of signing up for 3 activities just do 1 or 2. Have your DH take over the shuttling activities for the kids. Stop accepting so many invitations. Do 1 social activity a week. |
Anonymous
But he would not be golfing if you didn't go on a hike? It sounds like you really want to change him, not your life. Seriously, OP, you have money and you don't work -- get moving and make a life you like better. |
Anonymous
But see, you do have the luxury of being able to change your life, maybe more so than others. Not because of the money, but because you have a more flexible schedule without working even with your kids committments. Why dont you start to look into a PT job for a few hours you would really enjoy....could be unpaid or paid...depends on what you want. You need to be better at making time for YOU. Do not put all the brunt of responsibilities on yourself, yes easier said than done, but I think you need to start making more positive changes and the best way to start is to have a positive outlook. |
Anonymous
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OP, our baseline scenario is a bit different from your's but I understand your thought process. DH is a major introvert, and would prefer to do minimal socialization. Not just attending kids birthday parties or thinks like county fair or strawberry festivals, but even neighborhood block parties stress him out. I, on the other hand, crave more socialization and want a broader circle of friends and family and experiences for DC.
Since it sounds like you are home a lot more than he is, you control more than you think. As PPs said, make those changes in day to day life. Dial down the amount of activities for the kids - if he's not there to take them to and from and sit at games and practices and whatnot, then much of that decision-making should fall on you. Go ahead and make changes in how you spend your free time. I've started making plans for me and DC that DH may or may not want to join. Playdates, trips to the park, special outings. Sometimes he joins, sometimes he doesn't. Yes, it's scary to know that it means I have to work harder at our marriage, but it also allows me to give me and my child more of a life that meets my needs too. Moving or pulling kids out of school are big decisions that need to be made jointly. Just because you belong to a country club doesn't mean you have to go there, unless it's a commitment for the two of you, right? I reinforce to my DH that I love him and he means the world to me, but that in some parts of our lives our needs are different and we need to find ways to satisfy both of us. It makes me sad that sometimes he chooses to engage in his solitary hobby instead of an afternoon at the park with me and DC, but he's starting to realize that he's missing out. That simple walk around the block before bedtime that he's never bothered with - he's now starting to make time for and is realizing that those little moments matter. |
Anonymous
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Dear OP,
You can make this call when he is the one bringing home the paycheck. It sounds like he has more of a say in what goes since he's bringing home the bacon. You need to take small steps to make yourself more independant. Maybe consider re-entering the work force? It will give you a confidence boost and you will not have an idle mind just sitting back and thinking about everything thats wrong with your life because you will be wrapped up in other things. I totally get where you are coming from Im in a similar situation except that I work and I bring home 60% of the pay. If HE brought home 60% of the pay or more he would totally try to call all of the shots. We have 1 toddler and Ive been saying that I want to move away, possibly west, to a simpler life for a few years. He's not hearing it though and wants to stay put. I have become very resentful. In the meantime Ive been taking steps on my own to live a life closer to the one I want to live. Ive been actively searching out activities and things to do on the weekend that will bring us closer to nature. In fact I proposed the idea that we go visit some botanical gardens and he just couldnt understand why someone would want to do that. Most of our weekends are spent with my toddler and I exploring on our own while he stays close to home to pursue his own hobbies. It totally sucks because you want to have a "family" outing but at the end of the day you cant control him. Just take the steps that you need to take on your own to at least get "partial" fulfillment as opposed to none at all. |
Anonymous
| ^ you can't make this call |
Anonymous
Just because her husband brings home all or most of the money doesn't mean he calls the shots. I am with the kids at all time so I get to make more of the decisions that revolve around them. If I want to take the kids for a hike, and DH doesn't, then we go without him. It's his choice and we never make a big deal about his not going. |
Anonymous
Right, I understand what you are saying but based on one of pp's prior posts it seems as though she would prefer her husband to be involved in the activities. Someone suggested an activity to the OP and she responded "Good idea. However, I will be taking the kids and he will be at home golfing. Sigh. " This leads me to believe that she is wanting the whole family to go on these outings. To be clear Im not suggesting that she make a big deal out of his not going but it is clearly affecting her and she wants him there as an active participant. |
Anonymous
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OP, do you work? I'm guessing from your post that you do not.
Your husband probably realizes how difficult it is to change jobs, especially cross country and especially if his job is very good and he is well paid where he is. It is risky to move. I have to say, I hear this kind of thing from my mother all of the time, that she wants to move somewhere else, for the "lifestyle." Part of the problem is she doesn't work, has no clue how much work and networking it takes to get to a secure place in your career and how difficult it is to suddenly change that. I also sense that part of her problem is boredom. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps you do work, and if that is the case, then you have every right to want to move, to start looking for work elsewhere. But if your comfortable lifestyle is purely funded by his career, then I think you are foolish to whine that he doesn't want the life you want, because in reality, he problem has a more realistic idea of what it takes to fund that life and how hard he has worked to fund the life you have now. Waiting until the kids are off to college makes a lot of sense. |
Anonymous
| The more OP responds the more this sounds like a marital issue rather than a lifestyle issue. A move won't change dh's values, preferences or priorities. OP, I would do couples counseling with dh, or individual if he won't go. |