I want a different life than my husband wants

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to figure out what you want. Right now you want your husband to move to a state you like better because everyone in that state lives how you want to live. That is BS. Even if you and DH moved to a new place, he will still have the same interests and the same priorities and goals for your kids and family. So the geography is irrelevant. You complain that you can't be happy in this life, but you don't want to do anything different because he won't participate. Again, BS. What is your goal? A spouse with the same inherent interests and a desire to participate with you and your kids? If so, you may need to look for that in your next husband. If your goal is to change how you and the kids spend your time, then make the change and invite DH but don't pout when he doesn't magically develope a new personality on command. The problem I see is that you married someone who is career- and status-driven, you are enjoying the benefits, and you are blaming him for your unhappiness. If you truly would rather be poor but footloose and fancy free, then leave him, but you can't expect him to change just because you no longer value his good traits.

[Anonymous]

11:29 here. Okay, I didn't read through all of the responses before posting.

So you don't work. I think you don't realize how good you have it. You say you want a "simpler" life, well, I've got news for you: You have a pretty simple life!

I know so many people (myself included) who work a lot to be able to afford the *minimum*. Add to that all of the women who would love to be home with their children, but can't because they're paycheck is essential.

It's easy for you to want to move because it wouldn't involve any sacrifice on your part -- you wouldn't be the one having to leave a job, find a new job. You wouldn't be the one responsible for funding this new West Coast lifestyle.

And yes, that does matter. It takes a lot to shift careers.

I think you are also romanticizing a "West Coast" life. It sounds like your problem isn't with living here, but you're problem is living with your husband, that it is him you are unhappy with.

Well, even if you move, he will probably have to work just as much as he works now (it's not cheaper on the West Coast, not at all; it's cheaper in the Midwest, but that doesn't seem to be what you are talking about). So it's not like he's suddenly going to have all kinds of time to spend.

I don't know what he does for a living. I hate golf, but I have seen in my working life how important networking is. And a lot of that is done through golf. I know a woman who was a VP at an association who took golf lessons in order to help her career. It sound ridiculous, but especially in some careers, networking is a huge part of success.

It sounds like you've never had to worry about money. And it doesn't sound like he is mistreating you. If you want change, then you have to make it yourself. Get a job.

Would you still want to move to the West Coast if he said "okay, so long as you go back to work full time." My guess is you wouldn't want to.

[Anonymous]

sorry for all of the typos/mistakes above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you work? I'm guessing from your post that you do not.

Your husband probably realizes how difficult it is to change jobs, especially cross country and especially if his job is very good and he is well paid where he is. It is risky to move.

I have to say, I hear this kind of thing from my mother all of the time, that she wants to move somewhere else, for the "lifestyle." Part of the problem is she doesn't work, has no clue how much work and networking it takes to get to a secure place in your career and how difficult it is to suddenly change that. I also sense that part of her problem is boredom.

Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps you do work, and if that is the case, then you have every right to want to move, to start looking for work elsewhere.

But if your comfortable lifestyle is purely funded by his career, then I think you are foolish to whine that he doesn't want the life you want, because in reality, he problem has a more realistic idea of what it takes to fund that life and how hard he has worked to fund the life you have now.

Waiting until the kids are off to college makes a lot of sense.

+1

OP, find a job and you will have a better understanding of your husnband's perspective plus less time to invent problems.

[Anonymous]

OP you seem stuck in a rut.

You need to figure out what will get you out of this rut, that is doable in this environment. A move doesn't sound like it is likely to happen now so you need to work with what you have. what could you be doing during the day that would make life seem better? Volunteering? Working? Joining a group or activity that interests you? I don't know if your kids are at home or at school.

On weekends if he goes golfing then sitting at home being annoyed is only going to worsen the rut. Get out with the kids and do something, enjoy your day. Is it how you want it exactly - no but you can make the most of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't need a simpler life, your life is already too simple and you are bored with it.

[Anonymous]

OP-

Even if you moved to the west coast, your husband would still work all week and play golf on the weekends leaving you with the kids. How would anything be different? I think your interests and your husband's interests aren't necesarily alligned, and a move won't change that.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. Thanks everyone. A lot to think about. Of course a quick summary doesn't really do justice to what is going on, but yes, I should be grateful for the simplicity (health, finances, not working FT, etc.) of my life. I do get that, especially as I was raised without money and in a very dysfunctional environment.

I realize geography is not destiny, and I will do my best to bring what I like about the West Coast to my life here for now.

The competition craziness is harder for me to figure out. I have always been a high achieving person, and so it is really hard for me to step off of the treadmill when it is all around me. I guess I feel like if I were in different circles or different area, I would be less likely to get caught up in the craziness I feel here. But I know I have choices and will work harder to execute them.

I don't want to seem defensive, as there was some fair criticism waged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks everyone. A lot to think about. Of course a quick summary doesn't really do justice to what is going on, but yes, I should be grateful for the simplicity (health, finances, not working FT, etc.) of my life. I do get that, especially as I was raised without money and in a very dysfunctional environment.

I realize geography is not destiny, and I will do my best to bring what I like about the West Coast to my life here for now.

The competition craziness is harder for me to figure out. I have always been a high achieving person, and so it is really hard for me to step off of the treadmill when it is all around me. I guess I feel like if I were in different circles or different area, I would be less likely to get caught up in the craziness I feel here. But I know I have choices and will work harder to execute them.

I don't want to seem defensive, as there was some fair criticism waged.

Not everyone in DC area is super competitive or at least not super competitive all the time and with everyone Take your free time and add slow activities that you like and you may find yourself a new circle that will click with you better. Also keep in mind that you me DH will not hange his interests in 10 years and may promise you to move when the kids are in college but will either not want to move or not want to participate in the new lifestyle wherever you move. Don't wait 10 years for something that may not happen, start living how you want to now. You have to explain to your DH that you're unhappy with some thigs but se taking steps forward to make it better, he should understand and I would honk would want you to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is what you make it. If you are unhappy with the country-club-hyper-competitive-on-the-go lifestyle then stop. Just stop participating in that culture. You can have a simple life in DC.

OP here. I understand what you are doing, and I probably would give someone the same advice. However, I can only control so much. My husband has strong ideas of how we spend our time, what kinds of activities the kids are involved in (and at what level) and private school. I am not a passive personality, but I also can't really make these changes on my own.

.. and you think that moving to a new state will change this.

[Anonymous]

Hmm a few years back I felt too sucked into DC nastiness and my husband also works a lot and we can't just pick up and move sooo I thought about it and encouraged my husband to buy a second home in the mountains. Now we go away all summer (husband spends every weekend with us and part of August) and long weekends as they allow..we hike, bike and tune out. There is a golf club near our home so hubby does get to golf. It has been good for all of us and not as expensive as you think. You have the power to have peace of mind and your wealth makes it easy to fix this. If it's the beach you want..find it and frankly there are so many deals to be had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks everyone. A lot to think about. Of course a quick summary doesn't really do justice to what is going on, but yes, I should be grateful for the simplicity (health, finances, not working FT, etc.) of my life. I do get that, especially as I was raised without money and in a very dysfunctional environment.

I realize geography is not destiny, and I will do my best to bring what I like about the West Coast to my life here for now.

The competition craziness is harder for me to figure out. I have always been a high achieving person, and so it is really hard for me to step off of the treadmill when it is all around me. I guess I feel like if I were in different circles or different area, I would be less likely to get caught up in the craziness I feel here. But I know I have choices and will work harder to execute them.

I don't want to seem defensive, as there was some fair criticism waged.

Let me see if I get this straight. You want your husband to change is entire life just because you do not have the willpower to divorce (no pen intended) from the DC craziness?? Really?

[Anonymous]

I actually understand how hard it is to deal with the craziness.

I only have to deal with it some nights and on weekends (since I work) and would be miserable if I had to deal with it day in and day out.

I suggest finding some type of volunteer work that is meaningful to you. My family volunteers with Special Olympics and it is really a blessing to our family.

I have a friend that volunteers at Navy Medical with wounded warriors. She is very grounded.

There are lots of ways to get back to who you are regardless of your surroundings.

Hiking and meditation can only take you so far. Many husbands work weekends - which is almost what golf is - find a friend and go to Sugarloaf mountain and then - gasp - eat at a restaurant in Frederick. The West coast is not necessarily that far away.

[Anonymous]

You can create what you want where you are. You can bow out of the competition and develop responses that make it clear you're not participating in the rat race of life. Maybe you can rent a house for two months each summer at the beach, and during Christmastime fly to Mexico or CA and stay near the water, and then again fly out during President's week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks everyone. A lot to think about. Of course a quick summary doesn't really do justice to what is going on, but yes, I should be grateful for the simplicity (health, finances, not working FT, etc.) of my life. I do get that, especially as I was raised without money and in a very dysfunctional environment.

I realize geography is not destiny, and I will do my best to bring what I like about the West Coast to my life here for now.

The competition craziness is harder for me to figure out. I have always been a high achieving person, and so it is really hard for me to step off of the treadmill when it is all around me. I guess I feel like if I were in different circles or different area, I would be less likely to get caught up in the craziness I feel here. But I know I have choices and will work harder to execute them.

I don't want to seem defensive, as there was some fair criticism waged.

Let me see if I get this straight. You want your husband to change is entire life just because you do not have the willpower to divorce (no pen intended) from the DC craziness?? Really?

Not a nice response. I never understand people like you PP.