I want a different life than my husband wants
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Anonymous
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This could be long, but I will make it short. We live a very suburban DC country club life. My husband works and travels a lot. We don't have really any financial concerns, and I realize that is a huge blessing. We have a pretty good marriage, had our issues, but are doing well. Two healthy kids.
However, I really want to live somewhere else. I have a West Coast state that I love and want to move to. I am really affected by weather and I am a different person, much happier, in a sunny, mild weather locale. I also love the ocean. My husband doesn't want to move for at least ten years (kids off to college) if then. I also want a simpler life for myself and the kids. Less crazy competition, less running around all of the time, more time with family, more time in nature. A less country club atmosphere. My husband thinks our life is great and doesn't want to make the changes I do. I realize I was a participant in what kind of life we are living today, but I honestly don't know what to do. These feelings are making me depressed and the feeling of a lack of control over my life is making me angry. Advice welcome. Thanks. |
Anonymous
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OP I hear ya - when we married we talked a excitedly about all the international travel we had done (independently while single) and before kids we traveled a little bit together. I always had the impression he wanted to live overseas. His career path translates somewhat to other countries. I have-- by choice and/or by circumstance -- remained fairly detached and am ready to go. Now he has an opportunity to go overseas for his job (it's optional) and we are fighting about it - I want to go and he seems quite stuck. I have nothing keeping me here - kids are elementary aged - they are interested in an adventure, as am i. And it's frustrating. I am questioning our relationship and what it might mean for *us* if he will be stuck here for decades. Good luck!
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Anonymous
Are there jobs or family that tie you to the DC area? If so, that would make the negotiation more difficult. |
Anonymous
| What type of job do you have? |
Anonymous
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I wish I had your problems...
Seriously though, could you talk to dh and maybe negotiate? Like move in 5 years vs 10. Does he not want to move because of the job? If so, I could certainly understand. |
Anonymous
| Grass is alway greener. You may be having a middle life crisis and unhappy for other reasons. |
Anonymous
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Can you try to live the lifestyle you want without moving? You could spend more time in nature and less time at the country club.
I am not trying to dismiss you - I am kind of in the same situation. I grew up in a wealthy suburb but my friends and I were very outdoorsy. I spent summers hiking, camping, jumping off bridges, etc. They all went off to Colorado, etc. and continue to live those lifestyles but I felt the need to "grow up" and pursue a more traditional career. So here I am in Washington and I hate the materialism, the shopping/eating out lifestyle, and the competitiveness. Even running for health and pleasure seems so competitive with everyone doing races. It's hard, but I make an effort to shun things and activities that I don't care for and to pursue my own interests, like gardening, hiking, reading, and cooking. |
Anonymous
| Life is what you make it. If you are unhappy with the country-club-hyper-competitive-on-the-go lifestyle then stop. Just stop participating in that culture. You can have a simple life in DC. |
Anonymous
OP here. I understand what you are doing, and I probably would give someone the same advice. However, I can only control so much. My husband has strong ideas of how we spend our time, what kinds of activities the kids are involved in (and at what level) and private school. I am not a passive personality, but I also can't really make these changes on my own. |
Anonymous
OP here. Meant "saying" not "doing" re above. |
Anonymous
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You can have a different lifestyle once the kids are grown.hubby could join you or stay.
Meanwhile declutter your life from the country club activities and the like. I feel you.I'm dreaming of moving to Northern Europe and start my little farming project. 20 years to go.... |
Anonymous
You sound really dependent on your husband. WHY is he in charge? You may not have a passive personality in the rest of your life, but you sound really passive in this area. They are your kids too, and you have a say in the activities they do and what level. You can do private school without doing a pretentious country club private school. I'm not saying working is the answer, but I have a friend who was struggling with the same issues, and she went out and got a great job in another part of the country. Her husband agreed to move. Of course, this took some time, she looked for a year, but she went after what she wanted and got it. If you are depending on your husband to get a job in another area of the country and he is not as motivated, it's not likely to happen. |
Anonymous
| Start doing coke and partying in adams Morgan. That'll give you the rush. |
Anonymous
| Agree with 9:41. Yes, the school is something you have to decide together, but if he travels a lot, you get to choose what to do with the kids. Don't go to the club in your free time - go for a hike. Have a picnic. I can hear that you're longing for big change, but I think you can make different small decisions on a daily basis that might help. |
Anonymous
| OP, what if you made a plan to take your family for a hike on Sugarloaf this weekend? Would your husband actually refuse to go? You need to take the initiative to make your current life look somewhat more like how you'd like it to look. If not, it's not going to happen that you convince your husband to move to a different state and take up an entirely new lifestyle. |