I want a different life than my husband wants

[Anonymous]

OP, while I wish we had nothing to worry about financial, I get it. Are you able to spend a few weeks out west in the summer? I do this every year just to get away and DH comes back and forth and it's a breath of fresh air for us. Friends here joke that they aren't sure I'm coming back since it can be hard to get me back into 'the game here'. I think that at least a few weeks away is a good 'start' since a move is a much larger commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks everyone. A lot to think about. Of course a quick summary doesn't really do justice to what is going on, but yes, I should be grateful for the simplicity (health, finances, not working FT, etc.) of my life. I do get that, especially as I was raised without money and in a very dysfunctional environment.

I realize geography is not destiny, and I will do my best to bring what I like about the West Coast to my life here for now.

The competition craziness is harder for me to figure out. I have always been a high achieving person, and so it is really hard for me to step off of the treadmill when it is all around me. I guess I feel like if I were in different circles or different area, I would be less likely to get caught up in the craziness I feel here. But I know I have choices and will work harder to execute them.

I don't want to seem defensive, as there was some fair criticism waged.

Let me see if I get this straight. You want your husband to change is entire life just because you do not have the willpower to divorce (no pen intended) from the DC craziness?? Really?

Not a nice response. I never understand people like you PP.

What is to understand? Seems to me that OP is putting the burden to others to make her happy instead of doign it herself.

[Anonymous]

The responses on this thread are so incredibly bitchy. So much bitterness, I don't think you all even realize how absurd you sound. You really believe that op getting a job is the solution to her dilemma? That is dcum's collective response to every sahm who comes here looking for support.

op, your response was gracious. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses on this thread are so incredibly bitchy. So much bitterness, I don't think you all even realize how absurd you sound. You really believe that op getting a job is the solution to her dilemma? That is dcum's collective response to every sahm who comes here looking for support.

op, your response was gracious. Best of luck.

Not everybody told her to get a job.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar itch to get away from this lifestyle here. Was born and raised in the midwest - my DH here - and he doesn't want to leave his family. We also live the suburban country club life, nice house, nice cars, good jobs, good schools, etc. A lot to be thankful for, to be truthful and I am. That doesn't mean that one is completely satisfied though. I also think my children would love a less hectic life and that is partly why I want to remove us from this environment... to raise them more simply and I do try very much to do so, but outside influences still are there. I do think that we will eventually get out of here - when his parents pass, which may not be that long - but in the meantime, we try to travel a lot and that helps me quite a bit. Good luck OP, it is not easy to live in this environment sometimes.

[Anonymous]

OP - I agree with you about this area being highly competitive and crazy at times, but that doesn't mean you have to participate. We made an agreement to only let the kids do 1 activity at a time and they got to pick. It was hard because they wanted soccer and karate and music, etc. but when they picked one, it really simplified our lives. We went from running them around from activity to activity to actually enjoying our lives on the weekends.

Our kids are a little older now so it's much better. You should try and make the most of what you have and enjoy life now! Can your husband easily relocate and keep his same salary? If not, maybe he's worried about not being able to provide for you and the kids. I bet a lot of people are very envious of your lifestyle so stop trying to compete and enjoy the fact that you have a nice life and don't try to compete with everyone - there will always be people who have more, are more athletic, etc - you have to enjoy your own successes!

If you grew up in a dysfunctional home without money, could it be your having some guilt about where you are in life now? Perhaps your other family members are jealous (maybe not outwardly) and you feel you don't deserve this lifestyle. Perhaps talking to a therapist or taking some meds for depression may help you feel better and enjoy your life at this moment and not longing for something that may be hard to change. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Thanks previous posters! (OP here)

[Anonymous]

OP - I am like you, want to move west but are stuck here due to my DH's job and the kid's schooling. The only difference is that DH wants to move as badly a s I do (we used to live out west). Anyhow, we made a 10yr plan that includes buying an investment property there now that convert to our primary residence once we move. We close on the house next week. It comes with a tenant already in it! Anyhow, point is I totally understand both of your points of view. 10yrs is not that long, and who knows - it could happen before that. How about going on vacation there so that he can "fall in love with it"?

[Anonymous]

I know this doesn't help the OP or others in this situation but I think the short answer is...don't marry a golfer. My husband has a demanding job that requires a fair amount of travel. But he has lots of creative projects and hobby's that he does at home. Sometimes he goes to workshops to learn new techniques and hang out with others that have the same passion. People around here are always asking him "how do you have time to do all these things?" He says, "I don't golf." And he's serious.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job?

Ok for goodness sake why is that the question and what does that have to do with anything? Fwiw I had a very successful career and banked a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to decide what problem you are trying to solve:

1. Climate.
2. Country club lifestyle
3. Marital equity.

Your gripe seems to be with #2, but by bundling it up with #1 you really hurt your chances at solving that, because you dramatically raise the cost of getting to #2 and frankly you are idealizing the west coast. To a person who loves sunshine, Portland can seem like one dismal, gloomy day after another. Move to LA and you could end up in any number of neighborhoods with their own undesirable dynamic. Don't get me wrong I lived in one and like both of those places, but my point is that you can't hitch your plan for a better life to a cross country move, just on the notion that life is better over there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job?

Ok for goodness sake why is that the question and what does that have to do with anything? Fwiw I had a very successful career and banked a lot of money.

Because it's not you but your husband who would have to find a new job 3,000 miles away. It's a cost to him. So unless you banked enough money to tell him he can retire, you have to acknowledge that.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to be a victim of outside influences in your life. You can live here the way that you want to.

If you can't resist peer pressure to conform, how can you teach it to your teenage children?

[Anonymous]

I totally understand. Flip the script, my wife grew up a doctor's kid and swam at the country club every weekend. My parents were working class people, and I spent my weekends running with the guys. Now I've had it with trying to keep up with her demands for more....more income, more free time, more house, etc. I'm bailing out, the kids are doing well, and I'm going to simplify my life without her. Sure, there's child support and such, but in the end I still live the simpler life I want and will be an example to my kids that one can live more simply and actually be happier. I'm done chasing the cheese....all you other husbands out there can live your life on the wheel, I'm out. I'll be living a simpler, more fully experienced life. I hope for you I don't run into your wife at the nature preserve. Ha!