I want a different life than my husband wants

[Anonymous]

We moved to the dc burbs from NYC and this IS the laid back easy life! Find a compromise...a more suburban neighborhood in the area maybe and surround yourself with the life you want. Find like minded friends, go for a hike and connect with nature, volunteer for something you have a passion for.... Our friends here are far less snobby, work more reasonable hours, and are just generally more "real". There is more land and housing is cheaper and things are newer and better maintained.

If moving is unrealistic, change what you do every day and how you do it.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure you're not latching on to the idea of new location to "save" you from whatever is making you unhappy?

The grass is always greener...

[Anonymous]

OP, I think some of the PP's are steering you in a good direction of thought, which is trying to steer you away from the "geographic cure", but rather to focus on what you can do in your life here and now to bring more peace and meaning to you and your children.

If you want to be more active and in nature, less competitive and keeping up with a rat race that has no meaning for you, then start to take the steps to do it.

What ages are your kids? I think the idea of going on a family hike this weekend is a great one. And yes, your husband will be golfing, but it's not like you all golf as a family anyway, right? So let him choose his golf and you choose differently for yourself and your kids. Just try one thing this weekend and see how it feels. Then add another, and another. Later, maybe you move neighborhoods. Maybe you settle on a less competitive school with parents who share your values.

Eventually, as you begin to build the life you want, the geography may or may not become a sticking point. But I think you're a long way from knowing that. If, in the end, living somewhere different is really, really important for you and the kids, and you've maxed out all the ways you can build the life you want without your husband's cooperation, you may have to make big changes without him coming along. As far as we know, you only get one life. You only get one chance to raise your kids. You've got to maximize that chance and live as best you can in the now.

[Anonymous]

Folks, this thread is two years old. Some bitter dude going through a divorce bumped it up a couple posts ago.

[Anonymous]

i could have written this post except for the country club part. We're just middle class and I would love to leave this area for a better climate, more relaxed culture, and just happier local vibe overall. Not going to happen. DH's career is here and isn't portable. We'll retire somewhere warm...someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand. Flip the script, my wife grew up a doctor's kid and swam at the country club every weekend. My parents were working class people, and I spent my weekends running with the guys. Now I've had it with trying to keep up with her demands for more....more income, more free time, more house, etc. I'm bailing out, the kids are doing well, and I'm going to simplify my life without her. Sure, there's child support and such, but in the end I still live the simpler life I want and will be an example to my kids that one can live more simply and actually be happier. I'm done chasing the cheese....all you other husbands out there can live your life on the wheel, I'm out. I'll be living a simpler, more fully experienced life. I hope for you I don't run into your wife at the nature preserve. Ha!

Sure. By walking out on your kids and family, you're setting the example that all one has to think about is personal "happiness." To hell with their life and family structure; I'm going to just bail.

You are a selfish idiot and one day -- too late -- you will find out that your "simpler, more fully experienced life" is quite lacking.

[Anonymous]

10 years seems long but flies- vacation often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks everyone. A lot to think about. Of course a quick summary doesn't really do justice to what is going on, but yes, I should be grateful for the simplicity (health, finances, not working FT, etc.) of my life. I do get that, especially as I was raised without money and in a very dysfunctional environment.

I realize geography is not destiny, and I will do my best to bring what I like about the West Coast to my life here for now.

The competition craziness is harder for me to figure out. I have always been a high achieving person, and so it is really hard for me to step off of the treadmill when it is all around me. I guess I feel like if I were in different circles or different area, I would be less likely to get caught up in the craziness I feel here. But I know I have choices and will work harder to execute them.

I don't want to seem defensive, as there was some fair criticism waged.

West coast has gone mad with competition. Bay Area is all about money and is worse than living in NYC for COL. So Cal is also having similar boom PLUS has the stress of water wars. Oregon and Washington don't get sun -- you are dreaming of a nonexistent place.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk with your DH. I had this issue and ultimately I just walked out on my previous life. XH created a life that I no longer wanted so I left. We didn't have children though.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you see about moving to Annapolis, Cambridge or Eastern Shore? This way your DH gets to keep his job and you get a more laid back life on the ocean. There are definitely ways to get everything you want in the DC area (well, not the mild weather but you need to compromise).

[Anonymous]

Op- I hear ya! Only my DH leans more with me.

My family is what ties us here. My parents are incredibly close and involved with my kids and my kids love them dearly. I love seeing this relationship. My parents drive all over to watch their sports games, have them for sleepovers, etc.

We shelter them from the type-As as much as possible. We don't get caught up in the competition. We give them good perspective.

We will spend 4 weeks if summer out West. 2 weeks in secluded cabin in Colorado. 2 weeks in Southern California. We often travel out West at least once in the winter months too. It recharges me (and I grew up in this area).

I don't live the country club lifestyle. I would find that suffocating. We live in a very urban area--but it's close to lots of trails for exercise.

This is the compromise we are making--yet we both haven't given up on the idea of relocating (I WAH and dh also has a job he can do anywhere).

Just with aging parents over the next decade-I know I want to be nearby.

[Anonymous]

We solved this by having two homes. A suburban home in one state, and a condo in another part of the country in an urban area. We go back and forth between the two, not always together. This keeps us both happy. our DCs are out of the house though. Perhaps you could spend your summers elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved to the dc burbs from NYC and this IS the laid back easy life! Find a compromise...a more suburban neighborhood in the area maybe and surround yourself with the life you want. Find like minded friends, go for a hike and connect with nature, volunteer for something you have a passion for.... Our friends here are far less snobby, work more reasonable hours, and are just generally more "real". There is more land and housing is cheaper and things are newer and better maintained.

If moving is unrealistic, change what you do every day and how you do it.

I want to hug you.

It really is all about perspective, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

This belongs in the first world problems thread.

Since I can't do what I want to do, I'll just be unhappy. BOO HOO.

Why not just pick up your pouty lip and go help people not as fortunate as yourself. You'll appreciate your country club life more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk with your DH. I had this issue and ultimately I just walked out on my previous life. XH created a life that I no longer wanted so I left. We didn't have children though.

Children make everything different. Its about them at that point.