For those who have gotten divorced, what was the final straw?
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Anonymous
| for me it was over a year ago, when I burst into tears while getting a massage (which my husband had promised to get me, but which I had to buy for myself because he forgot) because I realized it was the first time I'd been touched by a man in over a year.... my DH had rejected sex with me for several years, and I always suspected he might be gay...... It was a pitiful low moment, and I swore at that point to fortify myself, get back to work, and file for divorce once I was financially stable enough...... for me I worked hard at my marriage but it was liek pouring my energt into a black hole, because the issues were unworkable....specifically his addiction issues which he refuses to come clean about, his under/unemployment, verbal abuse toward me, and lack of sexual desire for me....funny that a deep tissue massage would trigger the tipping point, but that was my aha that I deserved better....life is Sooooo much better now that the divorce is underway because there is a light at the end of the tunnel..... good luck to you OP. |
Anonymous
i'm the double life poster. I can relate to all of this, though I didn't figure it out fast enough to get back to work asap. Glad life is looking up for you!!!!! |
Anonymous
| After years of dreading coming into my own home because of the constant tension and fights. When panic attacks started occurring at the thought of being home with him. |
Anonymous
Thanks pp here. So how did u figure out double life I have no evidence just fit instinct he is gay and several friends also had thought that.... |
Anonymous
I am a man and everytime she came home I dreaded it because of all the arguing. One day I packed all my things and left. No kids made it a no brainer. |
Anonymous
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"I finally came to the realization that my husband couldn't/wouldn't take the steps needed to control his depression/ADHD. If he'd been trying to control it and wasn't getting positive results, I would have stayed. But, to not even really try, well, I finally got so tired, so worn out and it was negatively affecting our kids that I decided the kids and I would be better off without him. It's such a shame because when he depression/ADHD was controlled, he was really great and I loved him very much. I still love him but he's not good for us. It took me a long time to give up.
oh god, i fear this will be me in a year or two. another PP asked you if you could tell us more about your situation -- what were the ultimate deal-breakers? how did you know you'd reached the point of no return? how are you and the kids doing now? i have been coasting in this situation for so many years already (at least 3, maybe 4) and part of me thinks that if i'm already wondering how much longer i can take of this kind of living then i already know my answer... anyhoo, thanks for your insights. much appreciated." NP here. The thing is, when your marriage is falling apart because of these types of issues (as mine did), there is no one "final straw." (And actually I think that is true for most divorces.) It is more a matter of hitting the wall, not being able to do everything yourself and keep reaching out to someone who isn't willing/able to get help - in therapists terms, this is called pursuer burnout. And I think when that happens you realize that there is no other choice if you want to remain a happy, functional person able to parent your kids well. |
Anonymous
| Didn't have chips to go with his sandwich. He must have equal amounts of each food on his plate and finish everything at the same time. A little controlling, you think? Done. |
Anonymous
PP - I know where you have been. The arguments over the cost of testing, tutoring, hiring a lawyer just to deal with school related issues almost drove my marriage over the brink. I pretty much gave my DH an ultimatum (after he cancelled an appointment without consulting me). I told him I wasn't going to compromise on the kids health or education. We can find the funds from cutting back on extra curricular items and vacations. Or we could draw up a formal separation agreement, divorce, and I would still find a way to give them what they needed without his interference. Now down the road, my DH acknowledges the ground work that was done early on was worth the expense we paid. Our two kids are much better off and happier people because of the support they got. |
Anonymous
| So, it wasn't the lack of chips? |
Anonymous
| When I found out how many hours she spent on DCUM arguing that emotional affairs were a thing, instead of having sex with me. That was it. |
Anonymous
This is about to be me I think. He's denying the affair, but I have some pretty damning evidence. Trying to decide if I take the kid and leave or if he moves out. I hope I'll be joining you in the "Never looked back, couldn't be happier!" part of it soon. |
Anonymous
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When I realized he was controlling, emotionally abusive, passive aggressive, and is a substance abuser that can't save money even though he makes a lot of it. He is brilliant and talented however he is addicted to the persona I create around him since I'm probably better looking than any other woman he would be able to land.
We have son. It's been a few months since I've realized I no longer love and respect him, no more trust left. I have set up my emotional boundaries so he won't walk all over me like he used to. I know I can't leave him until I am able to support my son entirely on my own. He will fight dirty, I'm afraid, and while I'm pretending everything is okay it really isn't. Just a matter of time. He will be devastated when his seemingly perfect world comes crashing down, but he is the father of my son so I want to make it as painless as possible. Especially for my son. Please pray for my strength during this time. |
Anonymous
I'm in very similar boat - and pray for your strength. I also was with emotional abuser and have young kids and DH was controlling, passive aggressive, alcoholic...... What I wish I Could advise a version of myslef 5 years to do: (1) start going to Al Anon meetings -pronto! (It took my 7 years to go and I thought they would be full of losers, but boy was I wrong thinking I was too good for it); (2) therapy - pronto! - you probably have shame issues like me of staying in this secret shitty relationship that you probably haven't even told your friends/family about because how embarrassing is it that you are putting up with all the humiliation and everything seems perfect on the outside to them, right?  (3) start stashing away cash (4) get a $400 consult with a reputable lawyer to develop a one year game plan and find out what documents you need to get in order, etc.; pay in cash and leave no trace of the meeting; (5) start looking for part time work at a minimum - it could take a year to find a job you love.
I pray for you nad others gonig through this.... |
Anonymous
| The letter I found to him from the other woman. Knew something was up prior, but the letter was solid confirmation. Got an attorney the next day and was done with his shit. |
Anonymous
17:33 here The PP is correct that it wasn’t just one thing. It was like a sine wave of about 10 years with the time between highs/lows was getting shorter and shorter and the lows getting lower. Part of that was his cycling depression but it was also me. As time went by, I was losing my resiliency and started to ‘catch’ his depression. Because of the ADHD, he already had a challenge regulating his emotions but with the depression, he really became ugly – in addition to being emotionally unavailable. The kids couldn’t tell he wasn’t ‘feeling’ the love, but boy I sure could and it was like a kick in the gut knowing he wasn’t feeling an emotional connection with me or the kids. He was also even more distracted making him unreliable. I can’t tell you how many appointments were missed, how bills went unpaid because he forgot. He also had significant challenges inhibiting his impulses. He spent money we didn’t have on just shit. It wasn’t usually big purchases but the little ones that just nickel and dimed us to death. We had a lot of relationship counseling and used to find it really helpful but it was very difficult to reach him when he’s in a depression. I spoke openly in front of the counselor about the depression, that he appeared to be cycling and that his medication didn’t seem to be as effective. At first, he would call the psychiatrist and see about an adjustment but over the years, he did it less and less. After a while, I’d issue an ultimatum and that would get him to do something but, for me, getting to the point where I’d issue an ultimatum meant that I had reached my emotional limit. It was a ‘last act’. There were too many ‘last acts’. I was having to wall myself off emotionally too much to keep from getting hurt – again. I was so very tired of that emotional roller coaster. I wanted/needed more emotional stability. I guess if there were a final straw, it was when his behavior was negatively affecting our kids. My husband was the one who usually saw the kids off to school or took them to before care. I started getting some phone calls from the school about our oldest DS’s behavior. On the days my husband found it difficult to regulate his emotions, got frustrated with the kids and yelled at them, our DS would have behavioral problems at school. He even made our DD cry because of his yelling. He’d kick stuff. That was it. I could choose to put up with his behavior, my kids had no choice. It wasn’t acceptable to me for them to have to be subjected to that. I grew up in a very abusive/dysfunctional household and I would never willingly choose to do that to my kids. Like I said before, it’s really a shame because when his depression/ADHD are controlled, he’s really a wonderful person. But I can’t live with the inconsistency and the variability any more. |