Reply to For those who have gotten divorced, what was the final straw?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I finally came to the realization that my husband couldn't/wouldn't take the steps needed to control his depression/ADHD.  If he'd been trying to control it and wasn't getting positive results, I would have stayed.  But, to not even really try, well, I finally got so tired, so worn out and it was negatively affecting our kids that I decided the kids and I would be better off without him.  It's such a shame because when he depression/ADHD was controlled, he was really great and I loved him very much.  I still love him but he's not good for us.  It took me a long time to give up.[/quote]

oh god, i fear this will be me in a year or two. another PP asked you if you could tell us more about your situation -- what were the ultimate deal-breakers? how did you know you'd reached the point of no return? how are you and the kids doing now? i have been coasting in this situation for so many years already (at least 3, maybe 4) and part of me thinks that if i'm already wondering how much longer i can take of this kind of living then i already know my answer... anyhoo, thanks for your insights. much appreciated.[/quote]

17:33 here  The PP is correct that it wasn’t just one thing.  It was like a sine wave of about 10 years with the time between highs/lows was getting shorter and shorter and the lows getting lower.  Part of that was his cycling depression but it was also me.  As time went by, I was losing my resiliency and started to ‘catch’ his depression.  Because of the ADHD, he already had a challenge regulating his emotions but with the depression, he really became ugly – in addition to being emotionally unavailable.  The kids couldn’t tell he wasn’t ‘feeling’ the love, but boy I sure could and it was like a kick in the gut knowing he wasn’t feeling an emotional connection with me or the kids.  He was also even more distracted making him unreliable.  I can’t tell you how many appointments were missed, how bills went unpaid because he forgot.  He also had significant challenges inhibiting his impulses.  He spent money we didn’t have on just shit.  It wasn’t usually big purchases but the little ones that just nickel and dimed us to death.

We had a lot of relationship counseling and used to find it really helpful but it was very difficult to reach him when he’s in a depression.  I spoke openly in front of the counselor about the depression, that he appeared to be cycling and that his medication didn’t seem to be as effective.  At first, he would call the psychiatrist and see about an adjustment but over the years, he did it less and less.  After a while, I’d issue an ultimatum and that would get him to do something but, for me, getting to the point where I’d issue an ultimatum meant that I had reached my emotional limit.  It was a ‘last act’.  There were too many ‘last acts’.  I was having to wall myself off emotionally too much to keep from getting hurt – again.  I was so very tired of that emotional roller coaster.  I wanted/needed more emotional stability.

I guess if there were a final straw, it was when his behavior was negatively affecting our kids.  My husband was the one who usually saw the kids off to school or took them to before care.  I started getting some phone calls from the school about our oldest DS’s behavior.  On the days my husband found it difficult to regulate his emotions, got frustrated with the kids and yelled at them, our DS would have behavioral problems at school.  He even made our DD cry because of his yelling.  He’d kick stuff.  That was it.  I could choose to put up with his behavior, my kids had no choice.  It wasn’t acceptable to me for them to have to be subjected to that.  I grew up in a very abusive/dysfunctional household and I would never willingly choose to do that to my kids.

Like I said before, it’s really a shame because when his depression/ADHD are controlled, he’s really a wonderful person.  But I can’t live with the inconsistency and the variability any more.
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