Once an adoption is final....

[Anonymous]

PP here, I know she did it out of fear bc she loved me so much. As a parent myself now I can see why she did it.

[Anonymous]

This is the PP with the 8 week old adopted baby. OP We agreed to an open adoption which for us is one visit a year, 5 photos and 1 letter.

We were originally told that we should expect to do a visit next June, I guess because the birthmom didnt do an initial vist with us when we were first chosen as her childs parents that she is entitled to one visit now. She didnt choose us, she asked the agency to pick a family and they chose us.
I agree that its unusual for your birthmom to resurface now but I would send the photos anyway.

[Anonymous]

She just wants to know "her" child is safe, loved and happy. Really, is that so much to ask for? Peace of mind that everything is ok. Its not a big deal. Send a few pictures, a short letter and maybe a small gift. Its not an unreasonable request and I can't imagine denying my daughter's birthparents that given they gave us so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoptee here. This same situation apparently happened with me. My mom reacted in the same way as you. My dad jokes about how she thought about sending a photo of a different child but instead agreed to just take photos from far away.

They do not sound like very nice people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptee here. This same situation apparently happened with me. My mom reacted in the same way as you. My dad jokes about how she thought about sending a photo of a different child but instead agreed to just take photos from far away.

They do not sound like very nice people

Oh for God's sake, a woman chose to give up her child. That's not "very nice" either. I'd reserve my concerns about closure for the child who was given up, and I'd recommend doing everything possible to make it as easy as possible for adoptive parents to feel, and be, as secure as possible as the sole parents of their adopted children. People complain that parent in the US don't want to adopt US-born children, and instead opt for foreign adoptions. This is one of the reasons for that choice to adopt abroad. Really, if I thought it was in my child's best interest to initiate a relationship with her birth mother, I'd initiate it. But, I really don't think it's helpful to child or to the adoptive family to be pressured into contact with a birth parent only if and when the biological parent feels like it.

[Anonymous]

Ok, should we tell the adoption agencies to tell the birth mothers that what they are doing is not very nice?
isomehow I got the impression that the birth mother had not had contact for 5 years. Does that not mean that the adoptive parents have not had contact, or am I missing something? Is some photographs through a 3rd party contact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, should we tell the adoption agencies to tell the birth mothers that what they are doing is not very nice?
isomehow I got the impression that the birth mother had not had contact for 5 years. Does that not mean that the adoptive parents have not had contact, or am I missing something? Is some photographs through a 3rd party contact?

PP you're responding to, I think. I don't think there's any reason to tell anyone whether you think what they are doing is "nice." I do, however, not believe that birth mothers should have leverage over adoptive parents in any way. Nor should they be allowed to initiate communication with the adoptive family, whether it be through asking for direct contact, for photos, or anything else. There are plenty of women who regret having placed their children for adoption, and who would like to gain back custody if possible. There are also birth mothers who simply want a cordial relationship with their birth children. In my view, you give up the right to all of that when you place a child for adoption. There is no reason an adoptive family should need to think about the birth mother, or be concerned about what she might try, for even a minute. Again, avoiding this type of unpredictability (not knowing if or how a birth parent will show up, not knowing whether he/she is reasonable or stable, not knowing whether he/she has the adopted child's and the adoptive family's best interest at heart, and the like) is a huge reason that so few people adopt domestically. I'd much rather improve the reliability and stability of domestic adoptions, and support more fully adoptive parents, in hopes of increasing domestic adoptions and helping all those kids find homes, rather than providing a birth parent with closure. The birth parents simply aren't my priority compared to the adopted child, his or her adoptive parents, and kids who might be adopted in the US if it weren't for concerns about birth parents later choosing to become involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptee here. This same situation apparently happened with me. My mom reacted in the same way as you. My dad jokes about how she thought about sending a photo of a different child but instead agreed to just take photos from far away.

They do not sound like very nice people

Agree. Tres weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptee here. This same situation apparently happened with me. My mom reacted in the same way as you. My dad jokes about how she thought about sending a photo of a different child but instead agreed to just take photos from far away.

They do not sound like very nice people

Oh for God's sake, a woman chose to give up her child. That's not "very nice" either. I'd reserve my concerns about closure for the child who was given up, and I'd recommend doing everything possible to make it as easy as possible for adoptive parents to feel, and be, as secure as possible as the sole parents of their adopted children. People complain that parent in the US don't want to adopt US-born children, and instead opt for foreign adoptions. This is one of the reasons for that choice to adopt abroad. Really, if I thought it was in my child's best interest to initiate a relationship with her birth mother, I'd initiate it. But, I really don't think it's helpful to child or to the adoptive family to be pressured into contact with a birth parent only if and when the biological parent feels like it.

Wow, such animositsy towards birth parents. I thought this was an educated, enlightened area. Birth parent GAVE the child a life and then selected the best home she could for the child. Angry much? Ignorant much?

Signed,
Adoptive Mom Who Is Grateful and Nonjudgmental Towards Her Daughter's Birth Family

PS Learn the right language:

"to give up a child" = to place a child for adoption or to make an adoption plan

PPS I recommend adoptive parents get some mental or emotional help if they do not feel comfortable as the "sole parents of their children." Not limit contact b/w birth parents and the children. ADOPTION IS ABOUT THE CHILDREN AND WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM and it's been demonstrated time and tiem again that it's better, not worse, for the children to have more and clearer understanding of their origins, not less. Again: ADOPTION IS FOR THE CHILDREN *NOT* for the PARENTS. That is why these practices (more openness) have come into place. If you are not comfortable with it, do you have your CHILD's best interests at heart, or your own?????????????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptee here. This same situation apparently happened with me. My mom reacted in the same way as you. My dad jokes about how she thought about sending a photo of a different child but instead agreed to just take photos from far away.

They do not sound like very nice people

Oh for God's sake, a woman chose to give up her child. That's not "very nice" either. I'd reserve my concerns about closure for the child who was given up, and I'd recommend doing everything possible to make it as easy as possible for adoptive parents to feel, and be, as secure as possible as the sole parents of their adopted children. People complain that parent in the US don't want to adopt US-born children, and instead opt for foreign adoptions. This is one of the reasons for that choice to adopt abroad. Really, if I thought it was in my child's best interest to initiate a relationship with her birth mother, I'd initiate it. But, I really don't think it's helpful to child or to the adoptive family to be pressured into contact with a birth parent only if and when the biological parent feels like it.

Wow, such animositsy towards birth parents. I thought this was an educated, enlightened area. Birth parent GAVE the child a life and then selected the best home she could for the child. Angry much? Ignorant much?

Signed,
Adoptive Mom Who Is Grateful and Nonjudgmental Towards Her Daughter's Birth Family

PS Learn the right language:

"to give up a child" = to place a child for adoption or to make an adoption plan

PPS I recommend adoptive parents get some mental or emotional help if they do not feel comfortable as the "sole parents of their children." Not limit contact b/w birth parents and the children. ADOPTION IS ABOUT THE CHILDREN AND WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM and it's been demonstrated time and tiem again that it's better, not worse, for the children to have more and clearer understanding of their origins, not less. Again: ADOPTION IS FOR THE CHILDREN *NOT* for the PARENTS. That is why these practices (more openness) have come into place. If you are not comfortable with it, do you have your CHILD's best interests at heart, or your own?????????????

I agree wholeheartedly. All adoptive parents consider this - your child will grow up and have their own feelings about their birthparents no matter what you do. And they may question your motives and decisions. Just keep that in mind.

[Anonymous]

back to the original point of the post
I'm an adoptive mother, my child is 2yo . I expect my child to experience some anger, disappointment, frustrations and all that good stuff when she gets older, so I look at it as what can I do now to minimize the damage later. if you send the photos you can tell your child that you did your part. it's just pictures.

I got a letter from the birth mother stating that she is hers and that they will be together again and it freaked me out, but a few minutes later I got myself together and reminded myself that the adoption is final.

its difficult to figure out where the birth mother is coming from, people grieve in different ways at different times.
most likely she's not coming from a bad place she might just want to see what a great choice she made

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptee here. This same situation apparently happened with me. My mom reacted in the same way as you. My dad jokes about how she thought about sending a photo of a different child but instead agreed to just take photos from far away.

They do not sound like very nice people

Oh for God's sake, a woman chose to give up her child. That's not "very nice" either. I'd reserve my concerns about closure for the child who was given up, and I'd recommend doing everything possible to make it as easy as possible for adoptive parents to feel, and be, as secure as possible as the sole parents of their adopted children. People complain that parent in the US don't want to adopt US-born children, and instead opt for foreign adoptions. This is one of the reasons for that choice to adopt abroad. Really, if I thought it was in my child's best interest to initiate a relationship with her birth mother, I'd initiate it. But, I really don't think it's helpful to child or to the adoptive family to be pressured into contact with a birth parent only if and when the biological parent feels like it.

Wow, such animositsy towards birth parents. I thought this was an educated, enlightened area. Birth parent GAVE the child a life and then selected the best home she could for the child. Angry much? Ignorant much?

Signed,
Adoptive Mom Who Is Grateful and Nonjudgmental Towards Her Daughter's Birth Family

PS Learn the right language:

"to give up a child" = to place a child for adoption or to make an adoption plan

PPS I recommend adoptive parents get some mental or emotional help if they do not feel comfortable as the "sole parents of their children." Not limit contact b/w birth parents and the children. ADOPTION IS ABOUT THE CHILDREN AND WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM and it's been demonstrated time and tiem again that it's better, not worse, for the children to have more and clearer understanding of their origins, not less. Again: ADOPTION IS FOR THE CHILDREN *NOT* for the PARENTS. That is why these practices (more openness) have come into place. If you are not comfortable with it, do you have your CHILD's best interests at heart, or your own?????????????

I agree wholeheartedly. All adoptive parents consider this - your child will grow up and have their own feelings about their birthparents no matter what you do. And they may question your motives and decisions. Just keep that in mind.

+1

[Anonymous]

a woman who places a child for adoption is giving away her child.
To always be the child that she lost, her child she was not able to keep.
Adoptive parents do not understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a woman who places a child for adoption is giving away her child.
To always be the child that she lost, her child she was not able to keep.
Adoptive parents do not understand this.

Please try again, using complete sentences, proper capitalization, etc. You make little to no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptee here. This same situation apparently happened with me. My mom reacted in the same way as you. My dad jokes about how she thought about sending a photo of a different child but instead agreed to just take photos from far away.

They do not sound like very nice people

Oh for God's sake, a woman chose to give up her child. That's not "very nice" either. I'd reserve my concerns about closure for the child who was given up, and I'd recommend doing everything possible to make it as easy as possible for adoptive parents to feel, and be, as secure as possible as the sole parents of their adopted children. People complain that parent in the US don't want to adopt US-born children, and instead opt for foreign adoptions. This is one of the reasons for that choice to adopt abroad. Really, if I thought it was in my child's best interest to initiate a relationship with her birth mother, I'd initiate it. But, I really don't think it's helpful to child or to the adoptive family to be pressured into contact with a birth parent only if and when the biological parent feels like it.

Wow, such animositsy towards birth parents. I thought this was an educated, enlightened area. Birth parent GAVE the child a life and then selected the best home she could for the child. Angry much? Ignorant much?

Signed,
Adoptive Mom Who Is Grateful and Nonjudgmental Towards Her Daughter's Birth Family

PS Learn the right language:

"to give up a child" = to place a child for adoption or to make an adoption plan

PPS I recommend adoptive parents get some mental or emotional help if they do not feel comfortable as the "sole parents of their children." Not limit contact b/w birth parents and the children. ADOPTION IS ABOUT THE CHILDREN AND WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM and it's been demonstrated time and tiem again that it's better, not worse, for the children to have more and clearer understanding of their origins, not less. Again: ADOPTION IS FOR THE CHILDREN *NOT* for the PARENTS. That is why these practices (more openness) have come into place. If you are not comfortable with it, do you have your CHILD's best interests at heart, or your own?????????????

PP you are responding to here. What exactly is the difference between a decision "to give up a child" and "to place a child for adoption or to make an adoption plan"? The whole point is to relinquish rights and responsibilities regarding your child. Using softer-sounding words doesn't change that one bit. I believe I'm more realistic than "unenlightened."

Adoptive parents are in the best position to decide what's best for their young children, and hopefully will act in their children's best interests. And children as they grow up become better able to make this decision for themselves. I'm not at all opposed to birth parents being involved in their biological children's lives, I simply believe that it should not be their choice whether and to what extent this happens.

And you'll notice that as the openness you praise has increased for US adoptions, more and more US families are unwilling to adopt US kids and instead look abroad. Many, many people are simply unwilling to take on the risk of unwanted future involvement of their children's biological parents. I'm not alone on this one. Just look at the stats regarding foreign adoptions.