Once an adoption is final....

[Anonymous]

PP here - and just because the birth mom did something wonderful for her child (and for you by picking you) by giving the child up for adoption doesn't mean that she likely does not still love that child and wonder all the time about the kid.
- I'm not a BM, by the way - I'm a huge adoption proponent - I just don't see why you feel even the sharing of photos w/ the BM is just so above and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've decided to send the pictures, only because I have to. Yes, I know the adoption is final, & have nothing to worry about. And, I am grateful that I was chosen, but does that mean I am obligated forever to let her know how I'm doing raising her biological child? I agree w/the PP's, who understand the advocacy of foreign adoptions. My thing is, if you made a decision, albeit a difficult one, to allow another family to adopt your child, then that family should be left alone to do so, without their interference. Maybe a one time photo, but this, what I believe is a "check-in or report in to" a birth family annually kind of makes you feel like they're forever a part of this, & it sucks. Thank God we didn't agree to visitation. Call me cruel, but that's how I, and many others, feel.

Your kid is going to need serious therapy because of you and your attitude.

[Anonymous]

Pp, I disagree. Op is just being honest, adoptive parents do not want the birth mother in their lives. They want to forget about her.
Those that wish to stay in contact with the child they give up should consider foster care, or keeping the baby. Adoption means cut off all contact. Sometimes there is a reunion, sometimes not.
Frankly I do not think adoption agencys are honest in informing pregnant women of this reality

[Anonymous]

OP is perhaps being honest but when you are a parent you often do things you don't want to do. I don't WANT to get up at 6 AM just because DC refuses to sleep later and howls in his crib if I leave him. I don't WANT to drive 2 hrs to visit my grandparents every couple months with kids in tow yet I know it makes them extremely happy so I do it. I imagine there are many people who don't necessarily WANT to spend a weekend morning every so often volunteering, but feel they should contribute and so they do for the good of others.

The point is, it is little trouble for OP to once a yr send pics to the birth mom while that same act with mean a great deal to the birth mom. Not a annual mtg, not a reunionn. Pictures. Once a yr. (Or in OP's case - once ever!)

It's called compassion. For the person who gave birth to your child. Amazing that is such a hard leap for both OP and you PP at 9:33.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've decided to send the pictures, only because I have to. Yes, I know the adoption is final, & have nothing to worry about. And, I am grateful that I was chosen, but does that mean I am obligated forever to let her know how I'm doing raising her biological child? I agree w/the PP's, who understand the advocacy of foreign adoptions. My thing is, if you made a decision, albeit a difficult one, to allow another family to adopt your child, then that family should be left alone to do so, without their interference. Maybe a one time photo, but this, what I believe is a "check-in or report in to" a birth family annually kind of makes you feel like they're forever a part of this, & it sucks. Thank God we didn't agree to visitation. Call me cruel, but that's how I, and many others, feel.

Your kid is going to need serious therapy because of you and your attitude.

Would love to be a fly on the wall the first time OP's teenage adopted child screams "You're not my REAL mother". Guaranteed that it's going to happen! I don't get the impression that the OP is going to be the least bit sympathetic to the emotional pain and loss an adoptee feels, particularly in the teenage years and particularly when they have insecure adopted parents. This thread really reinforces how much I hate adoption. OP--does your insecurity stem from infertility grief? I really think you need counseling sooner rather than later if you're ever going to retain your sanity while raising this child and maintaining your obligations to the birthfamily---they gave you their child, after all!!

Signed,
Grown Adoptee who had adoptive parents just like the OP

[Anonymous]

18:42 are you me? I feel the exact same way as an adult adoptee from an extremely closed adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And you wonder why we're so emphatic about protecting the right the choose.

Listening to how you view birth mothers makes me 1,000% sure I would never carry an unwanted pregnancy to term just to "give the gift of a child" to one of you ruthless women.

Can't help but agree with this sentiment.

And to the PP who insists that people are choosing foreign adoption because they don't want contact with birth families-- you are woefully misinformed. It's because there are many fewer healthy infants available for adoption in this country as there are families who want to adopt them. And with attitudes like the ones expressed in this thread-- OP included-- hmmm, I wonder why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you wonder why we're so emphatic about protecting the right the choose.

Listening to how you view birth mothers makes me 1,000% sure I would never carry an unwanted pregnancy to term just to "give the gift of a child" to one of you ruthless women.

Can't help but agree with this sentiment.

And to the PP who insists that people are choosing foreign adoption because they don't want contact with birth families-- you are woefully misinformed. It's because there are many fewer healthy infants available for adoption in this country as there are families who want to adopt them. And with attitudes like the ones expressed in this thread-- OP included-- hmmm, I wonder why?

What problem is adoption supposed to fill?
A family is separated permanently, that is a tragedy one way or another. In an ideal world nobody would have to give away their child. Maybe there are fewer adoptions because the baby scoop era is over and the age of the maternity houses is over.
I feel no sympathy for infertile or adoptive parents on this forum. I do not know why, but I get the impression they liked the previous era when birthmothers were treated as dirt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you wonder why we're so emphatic about protecting the right the choose.

Listening to how you view birth mothers makes me 1,000% sure I would never carry an unwanted pregnancy to term just to "give the gift of a child" to one of you ruthless women.

Can't help but agree with this sentiment.

And to the PP who insists that people are choosing foreign adoption because they don't want contact with birth families-- you are woefully misinformed. It's because there are many fewer healthy infants available for adoption in this country as there are families who want to adopt them. And with attitudes like the ones expressed in this thread-- OP included-- hmmm, I wonder why?

What problem is adoption supposed to fill?
A family is separated permanently, that is a tragedy one way or another. In an ideal world nobody would have to give away their child. Maybe there are fewer adoptions because the baby scoop era is over and the age of the maternity houses is over.
I feel no sympathy for infertile or adoptive parents on this forum. I do not know why, but I get the impression they liked the previous era when birthmothers were treated as dirt

From what I'm reading here, that era ain't so previous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you wonder why we're so emphatic about protecting the right the choose.

Listening to how you view birth mothers makes me 1,000% sure I would never carry an unwanted pregnancy to term just to "give the gift of a child" to one of you ruthless women.

Can't help but agree with this sentiment.

And to the PP who insists that people are choosing foreign adoption because they don't want contact with birth families-- you are woefully misinformed. It's because there are many fewer healthy infants available for adoption in this country as there are families who want to adopt them. And with attitudes like the ones expressed in this thread-- OP included-- hmmm, I wonder why?

I am not at all misinformed. Many people want their children to be, in every way, their children. They don't want to be in touch with someone who may attempt to influence their children or judge. (vocally and to their.
children) disagreements about parenting. Snd for those who see no problem with periodic updates to birth parents, what if the birth patent feels very differently about fundamental issue such as religion, sexuality, ethnicity of adoptive parents' future spouses? What if the child develops a significant medical, emotional or other disorder? What if the child's adoptive parents make other big decisions the birth might not agree with? I don't want to be scrutinized by another adult who may feel rights with respect to my child or my parenting.

Foreign adoptions are much, much easier on adopted kids and their adoptive parents in this regard, and every single one of my friends who has adopted a foreign child has told me they are relieved about this. In my experience, adoption is not volunteeri g to help raise someone else's child. It's not about it taking a village to raise a child. it's about parents who want to have a child, and a woman who has decided she is unable or unwilling to raise her own. All people involved are equally lucky. People treat adoptive parents as if they are so lucky to be chosen by a birth parent, but I think the birth parent is equally lucky to have the opportunity to have someone else take care of snd live a child she is unae or unwilling to keep. As a result, I do t think either party owes the other any continuing relationship or anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you wonder why we're so emphatic about protecting the right the choose.

Listening to how you view birth mothers makes me 1,000% sure I would never carry an unwanted pregnancy to term just to "give the gift of a child" to one of you ruthless women.

Can't help but agree with this sentiment.

And to the PP who insists that people are choosing foreign adoption because they don't want contact with birth families-- you are woefully misinformed. It's because there are many fewer healthy infants available for adoption in this country as there are families who want to adopt them. And with attitudes like the ones expressed in this thread-- OP included-- hmmm, I wonder why?

I am not at all misinformed. Many people want their children to be, in every way, their children. They don't want to be in touch with someone who may attempt to influence their children or judge. (vocally and to their.
children) disagreements about parenting. Snd for those who see no problem with periodic updates to birth parents, what if the birth patent feels very differently about fundamental issue such as religion, sexuality, ethnicity of adoptive parents' future spouses? What if the child develops a significant medical, emotional or other disorder? What if the child's adoptive parents make other big decisions the birth might not agree with? I don't want to be scrutinized by another adult who may feel rights with respect to my child or my parenting.

Foreign adoptions are much, much easier on adopted kids and their adoptive parents in this regard, and every single one of my friends who has adopted a foreign child has told me they are relieved about this. In my experience, adoption is not volunteeri g to help raise someone else's child. It's not about it taking a village to raise a child. it's about parents who want to have a child, and a woman who has decided she is unable or unwilling to raise her own. All people involved are equally lucky. People treat adoptive parents as if they are so lucky to be chosen by a birth parent, but I think the birth parent is equally lucky to have the opportunity to have someone else take care of snd live a child she is unae or unwilling to keep. As a result, I do t think either party owes the other any continuing relationship or anything else.

Studies done on children who were adopted just do not bear this out. Do the research.

And please explain to me how sending some photos to the birth parents once a year would subject the adoptive family to their opinions about religion, sexuality, etc?

I'm sorry, but yes, you are woefully, woefully misinformed about open adoption. It has nothing to do with birth family claiming "rights" over how the child who was adopted is parented.

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm adopted. It was a total private adoption so my parents had no contact with birth parents at any point. My birth parents chose my family out of a portfolio book. I never went through the teenage stage of telling my parents they weren't my real parents. They are my real parents and I'm incredibly grateful and lucky to have them. My birth parents gave me up because they were in college and not ready to handle a baby. Best decision they could have made for me. Anyways, I'm just sick of how people automatically assume that all adopted kids have issues. I don't and I never have. I know my identity, I know who my parents are, and I'm comfortable with everything. I hate the stigma attached to adopted kids because everyone assumes that they are damaged goods. GRR...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'm adopted. It was a total private adoption so my parents had no contact with birth parents at any point. My birth parents chose my family out of a portfolio book. I never went through the teenage stage of telling my parents they weren't my real parents. They are my real parents and I'm incredibly grateful and lucky to have them. My birth parents gave me up because they were in college and not ready to handle a baby. Best decision they could have made for me. Anyways, I'm just sick of how people automatically assume that all adopted kids have issues. I don't and I never have. I know my identity, I know who my parents are, and I'm comfortable with everything. I hate the stigma attached to adopted kids because everyone assumes that they are damaged goods. GRR...

+10000. Also adopted from a close adoption. I don't have issues and I never once told my parents they weren't my real parents. I too hate how people assume that all adoptees have issues. I love my life, and am such a supporter of adoption that I adopted my own child as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you wonder why we're so emphatic about protecting the right the choose.

Listening to how you view birth mothers makes me 1,000% sure I would never carry an unwanted pregnancy to term just to "give the gift of a child" to one of you ruthless women.

Can't help but agree with this sentiment.

And to the PP who insists that people are choosing foreign adoption because they don't want contact with birth families-- you are woefully misinformed. It's because there are many fewer healthy infants available for adoption in this country as there are families who want to adopt them. And with attitudes like the ones expressed in this thread-- OP included-- hmmm, I wonder why?

I am not at all misinformed. Many people want their children to be, in every way, their children. They don't want to be in touch with someone who may attempt to influence their children or judge. (vocally and to their.
children) disagreements about parenting. Snd for those who see no problem with periodic updates to birth parents, what if the birth patent feels very differently about fundamental issue such as religion, sexuality, ethnicity of adoptive parents' future spouses? What if the child develops a significant medical, emotional or other disorder? What if the child's adoptive parents make other big decisions the birth might not agree with? I don't want to be scrutinized by another adult who may feel rights with respect to my child or my parenting.

Foreign adoptions are much, much easier on adopted kids and their adoptive parents in this regard, and every single one of my friends who has adopted a foreign child has told me they are relieved about this. In my experience, adoption is not volunteeri g to help raise someone else's child. It's not about it taking a village to raise a child. it's about parents who want to have a child, and a woman who has decided she is unable or unwilling to raise her own. All people involved are equally lucky. People treat adoptive parents as if they are so lucky to be chosen by a birth parent, but I think the birth parent is equally lucky to have the opportunity to have someone else take care of snd live a child she is unae or unwilling to keep. As a result, I do t think either party owes the other any continuing relationship or anything else.

Studies done on children who were adopted just do not bear this out. Do the research.

And please explain to me how sending some photos to the birth parents once a year would subject the adoptive family to their opinions about religion, sexuality, etc?

I'm sorry, but yes, you are woefully, woefully misinformed about open adoption. It has nothing to do with birth family claiming "rights" over how the child who was adopted is parented.

Again, not misinformed, I just disagree with you. And sending photos is not the key problem, though I don't believe that they should be required. Several earlier posters advocate, or ask why adoptive parents would mind, sending annual update letters. Very different from photos. Would you write an "update" that leaves out that your adopted son is gay? That he is failing out of school? That he has a medical issue? A drug addiction? That he's moved to another state (or abroad) with one parent after a divorce? I mean really, if you're going to provide an "update," it should at least include these matters? I don't want anyone to be required to write about any of that to anyone. It's a privacy issue, not anything negative about birth parents. And as for "rights," birth parents do sometimes feel that they have rights regarding their a biological children. Not to say that those rights are legal rights to take action, but moral rights to attempt to persuade adoptive parents to act in a different way, or rights to interject their own views on an issue by raising it directly with their biological child.

[Anonymous]

"It's not about it taking a village to raise a child. it's about parents who want to have a child, and a woman who has decided she is unable or unwilling to raise her own. All people involved are equally lucky. People treat adoptive parents as if they are so lucky to be chosen by a birth parent, but I think the birth parent is equally lucky to have the opportunity to have someone else take care of snd live a child she is unae or unwilling to keep. As a result, I do t think either party owes the other any continuing relationship or anything else."


Wow, just wow.
Did you know birth mothers are pressured and sometimes lied to etc just to get them to give the baby up?
Adoption counselors do not even inform the mothers about assisted housing or wic or how to get aid they qualify for.

Divorce among adoptive parents is rare, if you believe the adoption advocates.

You are just regergitation the ancient sentiment about how the parents who adopt are morally superior. What you almost left out is that an adoptee should be grateful for being adopted, but the way you phrased it saying that the b-momshould is a new spin on it.
Face it, without the adoptive parents being there, there would be no adoption plan, so it is not like they save a child from a life in an orphanage.
B-mom would have been better off having an abortion