Once an adoption is final....

[Anonymous]

OP here. I've decided to send the pictures, only because I have to. Yes, I know the adoption is final, & have nothing to worry about. And, I am grateful that I was chosen, but does that mean I am obligated forever to let her know how I'm doing raising her biological child? I agree w/the PP's, who understand the advocacy of foreign adoptions. My thing is, if you made a decision, albeit a difficult one, to allow another family to adopt your child, then that family should be left alone to do so, without their interference. Maybe a one time photo, but this, what I believe is a "check-in or report in to" a birth family annually kind of makes you feel like they're forever a part of this, & it sucks. Thank God we didn't agree to visitation. Call me cruel, but that's how I, and many others, feel.

[Anonymous]

OP, NP here, and I promise I'm not looking to pick a fight, but if you have no fears that the adoption will be "undone" and it's just a question of periodically updating the birth mother, why does this bother you so much?

[Anonymous]

Because it's none of their business anymore. I am not poster you are asking but It is intrusive, among other things. This kind of attitude is one of the reasons foreign adoption is growing. Maybe open adoption works for some..... But not everyone has to agree to keep birth mom updated or wants to.

[Anonymous]

Just the idea of "checking in", Like I'm watching her child. And, like another PP posted, getting a letter from the birth mom that her & her child will be together again. While it's not likely, who wants to deal w/that??

[Anonymous]

NP here. Isn't it naive to think that over the years no one involved in the adoption is going to act on their curiosities?

We are on track to adopt a newborn next month. I don't think we would be pursuing adoption if we were not comfortable with that possibility. Not saying what we would hope or not hope for, or what we would like or not like to happen. But it is a real possibility and we understand that we will have to make decisions as these things arise in our lives. But to be surprised?

Adoption comes with a unique set of circumstances. How can this be denied?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Isn't it naive to think that over the years no one involved in the adoption is going to act on their curiosities?

We are on track to adopt a newborn next month. I don't think we would be pursuing adoption if we were not comfortable with that possibility. Not saying what we would hope or not hope for, or what we would like or not like to happen. But it is a real possibility and we understand that we will have to make decisions as these things arise in our lives. But to be surprised?

Adoption comes with a unique set of circumstances. How can this be denied?

Check in with us after you've had your child for several years, & then the birth mom wants to know your every move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weve had our daughter for 4 weeks now ( shes 8 weeks old) and the birth Mom wants to meet us now, We havent met her up until this point.
We are really nervous, her rights are terminated but the adoption hasnt been finalized in court yet.

We spoke to a social worker who said that for the birth Moms its not about getting their child back, Its about them wanting/needing to know they made the right decision. It allows them the reassurance they did the right thing and they can move on with life and not be worrying about their baby.
It relieved us a lot, hearing it put like that.

When will the adoption be finalized?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Isn't it naive to think that over the years no one involved in the adoption is going to act on their curiosities?

We are on track to adopt a newborn next month. I don't think we would be pursuing adoption if we were not comfortable with that possibility. Not saying what we would hope or not hope for, or what we would like or not like to happen. But it is a real possibility and we understand that we will have to make decisions as these things arise in our lives. But to be surprised?

Adoption comes with a unique set of circumstances. How can this be denied?

Check in with us after you've had your child for several years, & then the birth mom wants to know your every move.

You are missing the point of my post.

We talk directly with the birth mom regularly. We have a signed contract saying we will send letters and pictures at regular intervals over the months, then years. We have not exchanged any personal identifying information. do I think there is a chance the birth parents will eventually ask for visit? Of course there is that possibility. We will have the right to say no. But, when our daughter is of a certain age we might reopen that discussion. As I said, we might not want this to happen, but we are going into this knowing it is a very real possibility. If we were not ok with that possibility we would not be pursuing adoption.

[Anonymous]

Wow, the insecurity of some of these posters is really sad. We adopted DD six years ago. We regularly send letters and photos, and have periodic visits. Dd is not confused or upset by this. She understands everyone's role, and she loves us all. The birthmom does not make any decisions about DD. she is just happy to have a chance to know her. I really do not understand why APs feel so threatened by acknowledging the existence of birthmothers. I hope you are not passing on your fear and distrust to your kids or letting them see how you feel. They will have their own feelings about their birthfamilies, and those feelings may not match yours.
signed,
and adoptive mom and adult adoptee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've decided to send the pictures, only because I have to. Yes, I know the adoption is final, & have nothing to worry about. And, I am grateful that I was chosen, but does that mean I am obligated forever to let her know how I'm doing raising her biological child? I agree w/the PP's, who understand the advocacy of foreign adoptions. My thing is, if you made a decision, albeit a difficult one, to allow another family to adopt your child, then that family should be left alone to do so, without their interference. Maybe a one time photo, but this, what I believe is a "check-in or report in to" a birth family annually kind of makes you feel like they're forever a part of this, & it sucks. Thank God we didn't agree to visitation. Call me cruel, but that's how I, and many others, feel.

Why do you "have to?" Was this a condition of the adoption? If so, you knew it at the time of the adoption, so why are you complaining about it now? If this is what it took to make the birth mother comfortable with the decision to adopt and you agreed to it, I don't see what the problem is.

[Anonymous]

[q]Maybe a one time photo, but this, what I believe is a "check-in or report in to" a birth family annually kind of makes you feel like they're forever a part of this, & it sucks[/q]

Listen - the birth family IS a part of your child's life forever, whether you want to acknowledge them or not.

[Anonymous]

Wow, we adopted two children internationally at seperate times, but both from the same country. We go back every 2 years and absolutely visit their first families. They did not place their children for adoption because they didn't want them. They placed them for adoption because they couldn't care for them the way they needed to be cared for. It was a heart-wrenching decision made out of love, and both families felt horribly about it. Please try to have a little compassion.

[Anonymous]

And you wonder why we're so emphatic about protecting the right the choose.

Listening to how you view birth mothers makes me 1,000% sure I would never carry an unwanted pregnancy to term just to "give the gift of a child" to one of you ruthless women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, we adopted two children internationally at seperate times, but both from the same country. We go back every 2 years and absolutely visit their first families. They did not place their children for adoption because they didn't want them. They placed them for adoption because they couldn't care for them the way they needed to be cared for. It was a heart-wrenching decision made out of love, and both families felt horribly about it. Please try to have a little compassion.

As I'm sure you know, though, there are many, many children whose parents aren't quite like that. Would you make the same family visits if your child's mother was addicted to drugs, if she had multiple child as a result of an admitted one-night stands (and gave birth only because it was the only way her parents would let her continue living with/off of them)? If she attempted to undermine you at every turn, referring to herself as your child's real mother and you as a temporary imposter (then not showing up to scheduled meetings)? I am, truly, glad it worked out well for you. But please try to understand that it's easier to have "compassion" for some people.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I've decided to send the pictures, only because I have to. Yes, I know the adoption is final, & have nothing to worry about. And, I am grateful that I was chosen, but does that mean I am obligated forever to let her know how I'm doing raising her biological child? I agree w/the PP's, who understand the advocacy of foreign adoptions. My thing is, if you made a decision, albeit a difficult one, to allow another family to adopt your child, then that family should be left alone to do so, without their interference. Maybe a one time photo, but this, what I believe is a "check-in or report in to" a birth family annually kind of makes you feel like they're forever a part of this, & it sucks. Thank God we didn't agree to visitation. Call me cruel, but that's how I, and many others, feel.

ugh! OP, you're really awful. The birth mom is not asking to even visit you - all she wants apparently is a once in a while photo (even once a yr does not sound crazy by any means - it sounds totally reasonable). Why in the world is it SO burdensome on you to annual send a photo and a short note saying how great your child is doing to help reaffirm to the birth mom that all is well and she made the right decision. Try some compassion! the birthmom does not sound like the unreasonable one here.