Anyone in a marriage with an emotionally unavailable man?
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Anonymous
| Not trying to be snarky at all. I just don't know, and am wondering about this, that is, how do you fall in love with an emotionally unavailable man? How can you let yourself be vulnerable around him and give your heart to him when he doesn't reciprocate verbally? How do you know he loves you? If he became that way after marriage, that's one thing. But I know some women who are married to emotionally retarded (and yes, I use the "r" word here in the purest sense of the word, meaning "stunted") men, who were always like that, and I just don't get it. Tell me. Does he express his love through actions, not words? |
Anonymous
| Emotionally Focused Couples Counseling saved my marriage. Find a counselor who practices this. It is a specific type of counseling. My H and I are more in love and in such a better place with communication and tenderness having done this. This type of counseling has a 75-80% success rate with couples, even those who are on brink of divorce (like us). That is much higher than most other modalities. It saved my marriage and our family. I never would have believed the kind of warm connection we have now and how much more my H is able to listen deeply to me and the kids. Not just what we say, but the feeling that is underneath what we say. He hears things on two levels now and is so much more compassionate. It took more than 20 sessions for us, because we were in a bad place.So worth it. |
Anonymous
| Nope...but in the past few months I believe I have married a complete idiot! What have I done!?!?!?! |
Anonymous
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"I just don't know, and am wondering about this, that is, how do you fall in love with an emotionally unavailable man? How can you let yourself be vulnerable around him and give your heart to him when he doesn't reciprocate verbally?"
Not OP, but one of the PPs. I think it is two things. One, if you grow up in a household where emotion is not expressed often, that is what you're used to and you don't realize what is lacking until you're in a marriage, the initial love hormones wear off, perhaps the kids come and you have less time for each other, and then you feel the lack of connection. Before marriage, you think that it doesn't matter that he doesn't express his love often, or has a hard time expressing feelings, because you're in love, he's doing other things for you, and everything is working right. But also, I think emotionally unavailable men tend to be more available at the beginning of a relationship, when everything is good and their deep underlying issues that prevent emotional expression haven't come to the surface. That is, he feels emotionally "safe" with you at first, and wants a relationship so works to express his feelings and connect with you. But then things became less easy, he doesn't feel as "safe," and he slips back into his childhood mode of shutting down or whatever. [I used the male pronoun but obviously this can work the other way with the woman being emotionally available.] |
Anonymous
Yes. And the sex is good and he looks great "on paper" (handsome, has a great job and education, wonderful family, etc. etc.) |
Anonymous
| Or, the things that weren't important before kids become important after kids. The guy that is the go-getter doesn't have time or see the value (maybe these go together) in going out for a walk or watching the sunset or just being in the moment. Or you can make excuses, "I can live with this" or "When we're married he'll feel more comfortable expressing himself" things like that. OP, sounds like your husband is emotionaly there for his friends and hobbies. Doesn't sound like you matter to him. I'd call him outo n this and tell him what needs to change. While I agree with you that "we are in charge of our own happiness" I also think you're taking it to an extreme. After all, nobody sitting alone at recess because they've been left out truly feels happy. You have a right to intamacy. If your husband can't or won't, then you owe it to yourself to find someone who can. |
Anonymous
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I think some of us drawn to emotionally stunted men are people who are a little uncomfortable with very romantic/ obvious displays of affection anyway. And some of us are very uncomfortable with clingy people, which can be the flipside of the emotionally stunted guy. I dated a few very clingy guys, ran the other way and ended up sometimes dating their polar opposites.
I also blame my mom.  My dad is very loving and demonstrative - my mom was more shy and had more difficulty expressing her love for us, though we knew she did love us. So I don't assume that love will come in a demonstrative package, so if someone treats me well (which my ex did), I don't necessarily see it as an issue till I realize there's a level of intimacy missing.
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Anonymous
OP here. I didn't fall in love with one. He became one. What I've been reading is that when couples fall in love, those first few years it is not "real love." It is mostly passion and infatuation. So you get closer, you do love each other, but there are some chemical things going on and that lasts up to three years. It's after that, when intimacy needs to deepen, that some people pull away. Men especially may pull away when they are actually feeling closest to you because for some men, that vulnerability frightens them. I would say those first four years, my husband was pretty available. We had regular and frequent sex, I saw him cry, we connected in every way, he regularly would tell me he loved me, he would do sweet things for me, he was incredibly vulnerable actually. Things got more complicated as years went by and once we had kids and careers got serious and time consuming we drifted apart, slowly. Now, I'm trying to bridge that distance. His response to us drifting apart I believe is one of deep pain and hurt and that is masked by him checking out. At first I thought he was totally indifferent, and angry, and it was pure hell. Once we started uncovering things, going to therapy, and talking a lot more (because for a while we were basically coparents and not talking about much husband/wife stuff), I begin to see that his anger and indifference are masking some things. He is more checked in and he wants to take down some of those walls but it's hard. So by nature I don't think he is totally unavailable. I do think some things from his childhood may have affected him. I do think his dad taught him to buck up and so he does supress emotions. A lot of this just doesn't come out those first few carefree years of dating and marriage. |
Anonymous
OP again. You are right, I do deserve this stuff. My issue is that I've been reading that when you get to a crossroads in your marriage like this, the reason the divorce rate is so high is because people say, "well he is not giving me what I need, why should I give him what he needs?" But if one person actually makes some changes, the other person may follow. And that is what is happening with us. We are both working, but as I change expectations (so I can't expect him to make me feel safe and secure right now, for example, and I can accept that for a while) and I change behaviors so that I'm not harping on him for not giving me what I need, he may relax and open up and then as communication improves, as things get revealed, as you start feeling comfortable again telling each other what you need, how you feel, then he will start giving me what I need. That's the thinking. I don't intend to spend the rest of my life supressing needs. That wouldn't make either of us happy. |
Anonymous
| Hello: I appreciate you posting this blog concerning emotionally unavailable men. My husband of 21 years is emotionally unavailable and I am seeking discussions with individuals in a similar situation. May I join your discussion? Thank you. JAA |
Anonymous
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Hi OP, I've been in a similar situation before...by that I refer to being in therapy and reading all of the research and trying to "figure him out". IMHO, it can do more harm than good.
Why I feel this way: you have problems. You are already in therapy and committed to working on them. I'm sure your therapist recommends some books or articles also. However beyond that, your life can often become "working on it". Not just living life and reconnecting and using the tools that you are learning in therapy. Add onto that your own "discoveries" re: why you think your dh is a certain way...and it can be very very very overwhelming for the person being told why they are a certain way. Let your therapist, a trained professional, make the diagnoses. Your job is just to put into action what you are learning and provide a good environment for your husband to do the same. But you can do all of the reading possible and it won't make your husband "hurry up and change". In my experience, it did the opposite: I was so convinced due to my armchair diagnoses what was wrong and what needed to be done to change things that I got quite frustrated when they didn't immediately change. I would recommend that instead of all of the extra reading and focusing on your husbands challenges and past and emotional unavailability, take that energy and watch tv with him. Go see a movie. Go for a walk or go get ice cream. What did you do for fun when you were dating? |
Anonymous
OP here and this is great advice. DH has even pointed this out to me. He is like take a break! I am settling in. There is a balance because for a long time I felt this was MY problem, my fault, etc. and even at times like I was needy or crazy. Researching and finding out this is a) pretty common, I'm not alone b) not my fault or a reflection on me c) partly things I did bring to the table that I can change and d) there are strategies that help, has been hugely helpful. But you are right. He is not my problem to fix and there is danger of putting on too much pressure. I have definitely realized that! I think now that I'm not so scared he is just going to bolt or be so stubborn in his ways that he refuses to recognize any issues I am relaxing a bit. I'm one of those people who finds a lot of comfort in knowing I'm not alone, that other people have confronted these issues. So you are right to keep reminding myself of that and try to settle in more and realize this process is going to take a while and if we stay married, will probably be somewhat ongoing. I have been good in the past couple of months about doing more things like happy hours, getting together with frieds away from DH, etc. And it's no fun to always talk about our "issues" all the time and can be overwhelming. Thanks for chiming in. |
Anonymous
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OP, thanks for posting this. I've been contemplating divorce a lot recently. My DH has completely withdrawn from me (except sexually, of course), which has made me crazy with anger at him. I keep trying to reach him, and he runs further away from me. We did try EFT a few years ago, but DH was so emotionally out of touch that I couldn't sit through the therapy sessions. He ended up going alone, and it helped for a while. But now he's run into serious problems with his career, and he's been depressed for a year (my diagnosis), and has withdrawn further. I feel like we're roommates, and that I'm ready to leave. But I'm a SAHM with no income, so I have no financial means to leave him.
I've been surviving recently by treating him as a roommate, and expecting nothing from him. He does a little cooking and child care, and pays the bills, but I do everything else. I'm starting to wonder if he has ADD, or some other clinical diagnosis I can't make. He did grow up with alcoholic parents who completely denied the truth about their alcoholism (still in denial about it), and blamed their children for the family's problems. To the PP who asked how I could fall in love with such a man, let me say that he can be kind and sweet, and yes, he was more emotionally open way back in the beginning when we were dating and in love and first married, pre-kids and money pressures. As our lives have become more complex, I"ve been able to shoulder most of the burdens, and DH has only had to work. But I'm in peri-menopause now, and can't handle as much as before. Hence DH has been asked to help, and he's backed far, far away emotionally. He can't change behaviors built up over years. I've been preparing to go back to work, starting training in a new field, but this will take years before I can make any money. If I had money, I'd leave him. I don't believe he can overcome his problems. I'm glad to hear some PPs have had success with their emotionally unavailable husbands. I'll look into EFT once more. Maybe it's my only hope at this point, at least until I can make enough money to leave. |
Anonymous
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I wish I could offer you real advice, or even support, but I don't know that it would be fair. I can, however, offer you a different point of view: his. I'm an emotionally unavailable woman, and it has caused problems in all of my relationships to date. I don't intend to offer excuses for your husband, or try to give you a false sense of pity for him: I don't think that pity is what this situation requires. I offer his point of view because I legitimately want to help you, and I believe that understanding is the first step to overcoming a problem.
He knows that he's emotionally unavailable, or at least he should. It's difficult for him too, although certainly not as hard or as confusing as it is for you. I in no way want to minimize your difficulty here. I truly hope things work out for you and your husband, and I hope that things continue to improve. The truth that I can tell you is that for him, it's difficult to express love in a healthy way. I believe that he does love you, and I hope that he's aware of what his problem is - because it IS his problem. I can also tell you that he probably feels a lot of guilt for what he's putting you through, and possibly even a little bit overwhelmed, because the emotionally unavailable see any expression of love as clinginess. We're wrong, but it's difficult to make the distinction between being loved and being smothered for us. I can also tell you that it is confusing and frightening, and we don't know why we have this problem or where it comes from. I hope that he is as aware as I am that his emotional issues are what's sabotaging your relationship, and I hope that he finds a way to work through it. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you, however, because I'm absolutely sure that it's harder to be the person who is being pushed away and that it must be endlessly frustrating for you. The only advice that I can possibly offer you is this: don't give up on him, and try to be patient with him. I hope your husband is as dedicated to fixing his problem as I am, and I hope that things get better for you. |
Anonymous
| Are you sure he isn't cheating on you or cheated on you and never told you? Sometimes the guilt of secret keeping males a person withdraw. Might not be true but my husband cheated and lied for years to me about it. Here I was thinking it was my fault or thinking he was acting strange but the truth came out. Just saying -- maybe perhaps you're looking at it wrong. Of course I could be wrong too. Please don't go asking your spouse about infidelity with guns blazing. |