Anyone in a marriage with an emotionally unavailable man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he isn't cheating on you or cheated on you and never told you? Sometimes the guilt of secret keeping males a person withdraw. Might not be true but my husband cheated and lied for years to me about it. Here I was thinking it was my fault or thinking he was acting strange but the truth came out. Just saying -- maybe perhaps you're looking at it wrong. Of course I could be wrong too. Please don't go asking your spouse about infidelity with guns blazing.

OP here, and you nailed it. I started this thread over a year ago, and yes, since that time....a lot has happened, and ultimately after a lot of "trickle truth" he confessed to a long term affair (more than a fling) with a married mom we've known for years (works in same industry). We are doing much better, still in therapy, and he's grown up a lot. He is a lot more open, expressive, emotional, vulnerable, and I can't even believe the year we've had. A lot of ups and downs, and we aren't through yet, but things are out in the open, being dealt with, and better.

Did you guys reconcile or did you chose to move on? I didn't think I'd ever forgive infidelity, but we have kids and those roots of our several years together, which were happy and loving, are still there. He's been beyond great through the recovery, but it's been a long battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he isn't cheating on you or cheated on you and never told you? Sometimes the guilt of secret keeping males a person withdraw. Might not be true but my husband cheated and lied for years to me about it. Here I was thinking it was my fault or thinking he was acting strange but the truth came out. Just saying -- maybe perhaps you're looking at it wrong. Of course I could be wrong too. Please don't go asking your spouse about infidelity with guns blazing.

OP here, and you nailed it. I started this thread over a year ago, and yes, since that time....a lot has happened, and ultimately after a lot of "trickle truth" he confessed to a long term affair (more than a fling) with a married mom we've known for years (works in same industry). We are doing much better, still in therapy, and he's grown up a lot. He is a lot more open, expressive, emotional, vulnerable, and I can't even believe the year we've had. A lot of ups and downs, and we aren't through yet, but things are out in the open, being dealt with, and better.

Did you guys reconcile or did you chose to move on? I didn't think I'd ever forgive infidelity, but we have kids and those roots of our several years together, which were happy and loving, are still there. He's been beyond great through the recovery, but it's been a long battle.

Sorry, meant roots of our first several years together were happy and loving. We definitely gradually hit a rut and neglected a lot, both of us, in the couple years leading up to the affair. I don't want to imply all was fabulous before the affair.

[Anonymous]

Were you abused, neglected or otherwise brought up in a dysfunctional family? I read that sometimes people who grow up in these types of environments are attracted to people like this because they have been desensitized to the dysfunction or are not able to recognize these traits early into the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he isn't cheating on you or cheated on you and never told you? Sometimes the guilt of secret keeping males a person withdraw. Might not be true but my husband cheated and lied for years to me about it. Here I was thinking it was my fault or thinking he was acting strange but the truth came out. Just saying -- maybe perhaps you're looking at it wrong. Of course I could be wrong too. Please don't go asking your spouse about infidelity with guns blazing.

OP here, and you nailed it. I started this thread over a year ago, and yes, since that time....a lot has happened, and ultimately after a lot of "trickle truth" he confessed to a long term affair (more than a fling) with a married mom we've known for years (works in same industry). We are doing much better, still in therapy, and he's grown up a lot. He is a lot more open, expressive, emotional, vulnerable, and I can't even believe the year we've had. A lot of ups and downs, and we aren't through yet, but things are out in the open, being dealt with, and better.

Did you guys reconcile or did you chose to move on? I didn't think I'd ever forgive infidelity, but we have kids and those roots of our several years together, which were happy and loving, are still there. He's been beyond great through the recovery, but it's been a long battle.

I may be wrong about this... but you seem like a bit of a fixer, based on your posts. I can just imagine you giving 150% and your husband giving 10%. Please make sure to protect yourself, especially if he cheats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he isn't cheating on you or cheated on you and never told you? Sometimes the guilt of secret keeping males a person withdraw. Might not be true but my husband cheated and lied for years to me about it. Here I was thinking it was my fault or thinking he was acting strange but the truth came out. Just saying -- maybe perhaps you're looking at it wrong. Of course I could be wrong too. Please don't go asking your spouse about infidelity with guns blazing.

OP here, and you nailed it. I started this thread over a year ago, and yes, since that time....a lot has happened, and ultimately after a lot of "trickle truth" he confessed to a long term affair (more than a fling) with a married mom we've known for years (works in same industry). We are doing much better, still in therapy, and he's grown up a lot. He is a lot more open, expressive, emotional, vulnerable, and I can't even believe the year we've had. A lot of ups and downs, and we aren't through yet, but things are out in the open, being dealt with, and better.

Did you guys reconcile or did you chose to move on? I didn't think I'd ever forgive infidelity, but we have kids and those roots of our several years together, which were happy and loving, are still there. He's been beyond great through the recovery, but it's been a long battle.

Hi, pp here. We're in couples counseling. I don't have anything left I believe but maybe it will help. My H was also controlling and emotionally abusive to me. Anger issues, substance abuse. He's let up on his unacceptable behavior however I've been wronged too many times. We'll see.

Realizing that it was cheating wAs painful and liberating at the same time. It was like having all these symptoms and not knowing the illness. And one day you are finally diagnosed properly and everything is clear!!! I'm happier than I've ever been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he isn't cheating on you or cheated on you and never told you? Sometimes the guilt of secret keeping males a person withdraw. Might not be true but my husband cheated and lied for years to me about it. Here I was thinking it was my fault or thinking he was acting strange but the truth came out. Just saying -- maybe perhaps you're looking at it wrong. Of course I could be wrong too. Please don't go asking your spouse about infidelity with guns blazing.

OP here, and you nailed it. I started this thread over a year ago, and yes, since that time....a lot has happened, and ultimately after a lot of "trickle truth" he confessed to a long term affair (more than a fling) with a married mom we've known for years (works in same industry). We are doing much better, still in therapy, and he's grown up a lot. He is a lot more open, expressive, emotional, vulnerable, and I can't even believe the year we've had. A lot of ups and downs, and we aren't through yet, but things are out in the open, being dealt with, and better.

Did you guys reconcile or did you chose to move on? I didn't think I'd ever forgive infidelity, but we have kids and those roots of our several years together, which were happy and loving, are still there. He's been beyond great through the recovery, but it's been a long battle.

Hi, pp here. We're in couples counseling. I don't have anything left I believe but maybe it will help. My H was also controlling and emotionally abusive to me. Anger issues, substance abuse. He's let up on his unacceptable behavior however I've been wronged too many times. We'll see.

Realizing that it was cheating wAs painful and liberating at the same time. It was like having all these symptoms and not knowing the illness. And one day you are finally diagnosed properly and everything is clear!!! I'm happier than I've ever been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he isn't cheating on you or cheated on you and never told you? Sometimes the guilt of secret keeping males a person withdraw. Might not be true but my husband cheated and lied for years to me about it. Here I was thinking it was my fault or thinking he was acting strange but the truth came out. Just saying -- maybe perhaps you're looking at it wrong. Of course I could be wrong too. Please don't go asking your spouse about infidelity with guns blazing.

OP here, and you nailed it. I started this thread over a year ago, and yes, since that time....a lot has happened, and ultimately after a lot of "trickle truth" he confessed to a long term affair (more than a fling) with a married mom we've known for years (works in same industry). We are doing much better, still in therapy, and he's grown up a lot. He is a lot more open, expressive, emotional, vulnerable, and I can't even believe the year we've had. A lot of ups and downs, and we aren't through yet, but things are out in the open, being dealt with, and better.

Did you guys reconcile or did you chose to move on? I didn't think I'd ever forgive infidelity, but we have kids and those roots of our several years together, which were happy and loving, are still there. He's been beyond great through the recovery, but it's been a long battle.

I may be wrong about this... but you seem like a bit of a fixer, based on your posts. I can just imagine you giving 150% and your husband giving 10%. Please make sure to protect yourself, especially if he cheats.

Actually, DH is such a fixer too. I'd say I am more of a people pleaser. We both didn't like to rock the boat too much, apparently, not in other areas of our life but definitely in our marriage.

One of our main issues was that for years, I felt he wouldn't listen to me, or was dismissive, because he was always trying to fix things. It was after the affair in counseling when we realized that and other dynamics. I don't think I gave 150% and he gave 10%. I would say, after a year of hindsight, I dealt with the dynamics in our marriage really ineffectively. It took our marriage collapsing/the affair for me to truly learn how to stand up for myself (and I don't want to imply that I was mousey or anything before, but I'd either get really angry or I would dismiss him in return. I learned to communicate my needs and opinions more effectively, he learned to be a lot less defensive and controlling). I think my husband was always the perfect guy and something just gave. The damn broke and he got really self destructive and rebellious through the affair. There was definitely a lot of unfinished business from adolescence. I had my own growing to do as well.

The affair and the aftermath sucked but it led us to a good place. Thanks for all the insight on this thread. I never thought I'd be in a marriage where my husband cheated. I've always gone after what I wanted and gotten it. I'm smart, successful, attractive, confident (in some areas anyway), etc. I thought I was better than that. I thought he was better than that. It's been very humbling and I think I'm a lot less judgmental in general now. I probably would have been defensive if someone had suggested affair last April. We ae not through the process by any means but it's nice to have things out in the light, like a PP alluded to, and be dealing with them together.

[Anonymous]

We "fall in love" because we need to feel loved and accepted by someone who is safe. I didn't feel loved and accepted in my home. We believed in waiting till marriage and had great make out sessions fow 2 years. Not much conversation and not much excitement from him. But, safe. I cried many times over this but was scared of losing this nice, handsome guy. I was emotionally immature due to my upbringing. In some ways he's the best thing that happened to me. In other ways it's all been a huge disappointment. Sexually, it's been horrible.why did I stay? Sometimes I wish I hadn't. 3 grown kids and a grandchild are things I'm not willing to split up.

[Anonymous]

yes

[Anonymous]

if you are too emotionally 'available', women will hate you for being 'smothering' or 'needy' even when you really aren't.

if you are too distant, they gripe about it too.

you harpies need to fuck unicorns.

[Anonymous]

I have been married to my H for over 30 years.He was emotionally never there for me, he actually never cared to know who i was deep in my soul as long as i played the wife role and took care of his needs.I stayed home and took care of the house and kids ,he worked, he was/is a good provider.Unfortunately he always felt that that's all he needed to be, to me and the kids.During the kids teenage years is when things got really bad because he is also controlling and wanted the kids to do and be who he wanted them to be.This also applied to me in a different way.My kids are in their late 20's now and for the duration of our marriage i tried to get through to him but got nowhere.In the last 10 plus yrs especially i have talked( like counselor),fought( said terrible things to him),become a nervous wreck(have anxiety and was on anti-depression pills ) become short tempered, mean person (mostly to him) This is not who i'am' i know that in my soul i have the biggest heart and i help anyone i come in contact with.Everything i love to do he doesn't ,he pretends and goes along sometimes but always let's me know when he is not happy,he makes me feel guilty because he is so negative.and can't enjoy anything unless he is under the influence of alcohol.Besides being emotionally unavailable he is short tempered and negative in some aspects of his life which of course affects me and the kids.He is also a social alcoholic,he doesn't drink often but when he drinks many times he gets intoxicated and also drives.I should mention if he had 2 or 3 drinks you would notice that he drank he has low alcohol tolerance.One more thing because of his age in the last 2 yrs we no longer have physical contact.
All these issues combined through all these years have made me an anxious,short-tempered,bitchy,crazy,lonely,sad person.I also have come to realize that there is no hope for change,that he is just like his father who in his 80's still treats his mother this way and that that's my life.The marriage his parents have is our marriage.I tell him i may be loud and crazy because he makes me fight back but he is stronger ( in the sense that he is the negative,stubborn obstacle that makes change impossible ) therefore our marriage is like his parents not mine who had it rough for 30yrs but my dad realized it and worked on himself.They now have a calm loving emotional marriage.
This is the truth of our marriage and life as a family yet people at work,church and around us see him and our family as a picture perfect.More often than not because i'm usually reacting to what i have been dealt i look like the negative unhappy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married to my H for over 30 years.He was emotionally never there for me, he actually never cared to know who i was deep in my soul as long as i played the wife role and took care of his needs.I stayed home and took care of the house and kids ,he worked, he was/is a good provider.Unfortunately he always felt that that's all he needed to be, to me and the kids.During the kids teenage years is when things got really bad because he is also controlling and wanted the kids to do and be who he wanted them to be.This also applied to me in a different way.My kids are in their late 20's now and for the duration of our marriage i tried to get through to him but got nowhere.In the last 10 plus yrs especially i have talked( like counselor),fought( said terrible things to him),become a nervous wreck(have anxiety and was on anti-depression pills ) become short tempered, mean person (mostly to him) This is not who i'am' i know that in my soul i have the biggest heart and i help anyone i come in contact with.Everything i love to do he doesn't ,he pretends and goes along sometimes but always let's me know when he is not happy,he makes me feel guilty because he is so negative.and can't enjoy anything unless he is under the influence of alcohol.Besides being emotionally unavailable he is short tempered and negative in some aspects of his life which of course affects me and the kids.He is also a social alcoholic,he doesn't drink often but when he drinks many times he gets intoxicated and also drives.I should mention if he had 2 or 3 drinks you would notice that he drank he has low alcohol tolerance.One more thing because of his age in the last 2 yrs we no longer have physical contact.
All these issues combined through all these years have made me an anxious,short-tempered,bitchy,crazy,lonely,sad person.I also have come to realize that there is no hope for change,that he is just like his father who in his 80's still treats his mother this way and that that's my life.The marriage his parents have is our marriage.I tell him i may be loud and crazy because he makes me fight back but he is stronger ( in the sense that he is the negative,stubborn obstacle that makes change impossible ) therefore our marriage is like his parents not mine who had it rough for 30yrs but my dad realized it and worked on himself.They now have a calm loving emotional marriage.
This is the truth of our marriage and life as a family yet people at work,church and around us see him and our family as a picture perfect.More often than not because i'm usually reacting to what i have been dealt i look like the negative unhappy person.[/quot


Wow. This hits home for me. MWF, 40, leaving my emotionally abusive and unavailable husband after 11 years of marriage. I'm slowly dying in my marriage. This thread was insightful and I'm glad I found it.

[Anonymous]

yes

[Anonymous]

This is a message for anyone out there who feels motivated to respond to but is directed at OP.
And her story. I am just figuring out that my husband is probabaly emotionally unavailable and I’m feeling overwhelmed. I wanted to ask how things are going and specifically I am wondering how you were able to show him this diagnosis or get him to see reality of how closed he had become. I don’t want to give up on him and I know he loves me. But I’m feeling tired and lost. If you add out there please message back.

-kJ

[Anonymous]

The affair made your husband withdraw his love and emotions from you. an affair makes you emotionally unavailable to your spoudr because your emotional and sexual needs are met by someone else. He might come around if the affair is over or he might not. He might take the affair underground and pacify you by going to counseling, etc.