Reply to Anyone in a marriage with an emotionally unavailable man?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Not trying to be snarky at all.  I just don't know, and am wondering about this, that is, how do you fall in love with an emotionally unavailable man?  How can you let yourself be vulnerable around him and give your heart to him when he doesn't reciprocate verbally?  How do you know he loves you?  If he became that way after marriage, that's one thing.  But I know some women who are married to emotionally retarded (and yes, I use the "r" word here in the purest sense of the word, meaning "stunted") men, who were always like that, and I just don't get it.  Tell me.  Does he express his love through actions, not words?[/quote]

OP here. I didn't fall in love with one. He became one. What I've been reading is that when couples fall in love, those first few years it is not "real love." It is mostly passion and infatuation. So you get closer, you do love each other, but there are some chemical things going on and that lasts up to three years. It's after that, when intimacy needs to deepen, that some people pull away. Men especially may pull away when they are actually feeling closest to you because for some men, that vulnerability frightens them.

I would say those first four years, my husband was pretty available. We had regular and frequent sex, I saw him cry, we connected in every way, he regularly would tell me he loved me, he would do sweet things for me, he was incredibly vulnerable actually. Things got more complicated as years went by and once we had kids and careers got serious and time consuming we drifted apart, slowly. Now, I'm trying to bridge that distance. His response to us drifting apart I believe is one of deep pain and hurt and that is masked by him checking out. At first I thought he was totally indifferent, and angry, and it was pure hell. Once we started uncovering things, going to therapy, and talking a lot more (because for a while we were basically coparents and not talking about much husband/wife stuff), I begin to see that his anger and indifference are masking some things. He is more checked in and he wants to take down some of those walls but it's hard.

So by nature I don't think he is totally unavailable. I do think some things from his childhood may have affected him.  I do think his dad taught him to buck up and so he does supress emotions. A lot of this just doesn't come out those first few carefree years of dating and marriage. [/quote]

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