44 and pregnant, and getting silent treatment

[Anonymous]

I'm 23:07 from yesterday.

This morning I was at my clinic and heard someone confirm their birthdate and they were 6 years older than I am. It just sounded old to me because I already feel so old...but when I saw the woman, there looks like there are a lot more than 6 years between us. I get that I'm lucky that I look on the young side and most people think 33 instead of almost 39, but age is relative anyway. I feel old!

OP, I'm wondering how you look and if maybe that is part of it? Not that you can change this, but I'm thinking that there has to be something that's resulting in this across the board reaction. Do you look your age or older or dress /act it? I've seen women come into the waiting room and they look so grandmotherly to me. 3 inches of gray hair coming from their roots they haven't dyed in months, very wrinkled faces, wearing matronly clothes (granted this could be what they have to wear for work) and no makeup. I'm sorry - I know this is rude, but I am often shocked by what I see. I don't get all fancied up for blood and sono's, but I don't go out of my way to look 50 like it seems some women do. Appearances can really be the whole reason here too in addition to my answer yesterday about them being concerned for your health.

[Anonymous]

If you and your husband both see it in people you know, I believe you. But the techs doing the ultrasound get quiet with everyone. It always freaked me out because I thought something was wrong or that they knew something I didn't or the doc had told them to look for something he suspected but they were not supposed to tell me before or during the ultrasound.

This was all well under 40.

[Anonymous]

I was 45 when I had my daughter, and I didn't really notice any obvious negative reactions. Some people might not have known how old I was, of course. I think it's possible you've truly gotten a couple of negative reactions and now you're sensitive and notice it where it's not really happening.

Congrats. Enjoy. It's fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 23:07 from yesterday.

This morning I was at my clinic and heard someone confirm their birthdate and they were 6 years older than I am. It just sounded old to me because I already feel so old...but when I saw the woman, there looks like there are a lot more than 6 years between us. I get that I'm lucky that I look on the young side and most people think 33 instead of almost 39, but age is relative anyway. I feel old!

OP, I'm wondering how you look and if maybe that is part of it? Not that you can change this, but I'm thinking that there has to be something that's resulting in this across the board reaction. Do you look your age or older or dress /act it? I've seen women come into the waiting room and they look so grandmotherly to me. 3 inches of gray hair coming from their roots they haven't dyed in months, very wrinkled faces, wearing matronly clothes (granted this could be what they have to wear for work) and no makeup. I'm sorry - I know this is rude, but I am often shocked by what I see. I don't get all fancied up for blood and sono's, but I don't go out of my way to look 50 like it seems some women do. Appearances can really be the whole reason here too in addition to my answer yesterday about them being concerned for your health.

NP. This would be me. All the women in my family age quickly, except for our reproductive systems. I've never really cared that much about looks or clothes (I'm shocked that another person would pay enough attention to my hair, clothes, and makeup to be shocked by my choices), but I've started dyeing my hair again just because I was so sick of being mistaken for my baby's grandmother. I never got the silent treatment as an old mom, but I did hear a lot of tactless comments. Most of the comments came from women who had children at a very young age. When I was pregnant I saw a practice of midwife and a MFM and no one at either office was weird about my age-in fact when I told the MFM that I probably would not have more children because of my age-he told me about a patient in their practice who was fifty, pregnant with her own eggs, and carried a success pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

I think people probably just notice you're older. And 99% of people don't think about it much past that. For what it's worth, I tend to notice younger moms as much as older moms since they are also outside of the norm. You are different, unique, and wonderful. And your baby will be too.

No matter what anyone says (usually in an effort to make themselves feel better about their own choices), there is no perfect time to have a baby. There are simply pros and cons to every situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Younger female here, but if they are actually staring, then maybe they are thinking you are a bit old to have a child. When I see a much older woman pregnant and I know their age, I start calculating how old they will be when the child grows up.

I have to admit that I think this to myself sometimes. There have actually been times when I have been unsure whether or not a woman with a small child was the child's mom or grandma. I don't dwell on it, it's just a fleeting thought. A lot of times older moms look tired or worn out (not all, but many) and I can't help thinking that I'm glad I won't have a child under 5 when I'm 45+. My mom had me when she was older and she SAH full time until I entered middle school. She always made us feel like we were in her way. She was very impatient and did not seem to enjoy being around us, and was often "too tired". I'm not saying this is everyone's experience, but this had a huge influence on my decision to have children earlier rather than later, and the fact I happened to get married at 26

[Anonymous]

If you are unsure whether an older lady is a baby's mom or grandma, always err on the side of mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Younger female here, but if they are actually staring, then maybe they are thinking you are a bit old to have a child. When I see a much older woman pregnant and I know their age, I start calculating how old they will be when the child grows up.

I have to admit that I think this to myself sometimes. There have actually been times when I have been unsure whether or not a woman with a small child was the child's mom or grandma. I don't dwell on it, it's just a fleeting thought. A lot of times older moms look tired or worn out (not all, but many) and I can't help thinking that I'm glad I won't have a child under 5 when I'm 45+. My mom had me when she was older and she SAH full time until I entered middle school. She always made us feel like we were in her way. She was very impatient and did not seem to enjoy being around us, and was often "too tired". I'm not saying this is everyone's experience, but this had a huge influence on my decision to have children earlier rather than later, and the fact I happened to get married at 26

My mom was a young mom and she was always too tired, too. My grandmother cared for us more than my mother did. OP: try not to think about what others feel. You are very fortunate and I wish you the best. If you didn't feel up to the task - then you probably wouldn't have even considered TTC. I find that those that judge are those that are insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, screw them! I think it's wonderful that you and your husband are having a baby at 44! We need more loving, committed parents in this world. Age doesn't matter if you raise your child with love.

I'd rather see a 44 year old mother who knows what she's doing than a 24 year old who is barely an adult herself.

All the best to you and your wonderful, lucky little baby!

I had my son at 24. I'm a very loving and committed mother. There is nothing that I haven't done for my son from breastfeeding to organic food. Thanks for lumping me in with all the "barely adult" mothers! Why would you bring the age argument to the TTC boards?

[Anonymous]

I had my baby at 39 and my girlfriend just had hers at 41 - very small difference (in fact - none at all really) - however, people reacted very differently to her and I. I think the "40" thing just puts people over the edge (just like 10 years ago the 35 thing....)

Don't worry about it....

[Anonymous]

I know someone who had twins at 50, with her own eggs. I had my son at 43, I'm now 47 and would like to TTC again This is your life, your choices, and I'm happy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had my baby at 39 and my girlfriend just had hers at 41 - very small difference (in fact - none at all really) - however, people reacted very differently to her and I. I think the "40" thing just puts people over the edge (just like 10 years ago the 35 thing....)

Don't worry about it....

I agree with this and also think people respond differently when it's a #2, #3, or #4 over 40.

And let's not even get into how men having babies over 40 (usually with younger wives) generally gets zero reaction.

[Anonymous]

I was 43 when I had my first baby, conceived completely naturally. I never noticed any silent treatment or strange looks. I know I look young. I think some of the techs are just silent and when you're PG, you're very hormonal and may take things personally (I certainly did) when it's really just the tech's personality and not about you.

Every parent gets comments on their age. At one moment you're too young, another too old. PG is great in that it prepares you for all those improper judgments, which you'll continue to get when the baby's born. That's part of being a parent. I sympathize and empathize: and just go forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Younger female here, but if they are actually staring, then maybe they are thinking you are a bit old to have a child. When I see a much older woman pregnant and I know their age, I start calculating how old they will be when the child grows up.

I have to admit that I think this to myself sometimes. There have actually been times when I have been unsure whether or not a woman with a small child was the child's mom or grandma. I don't dwell on it, it's just a fleeting thought. A lot of times older moms look tired or worn out (not all, but many) and I can't help thinking that I'm glad I won't have a child under 5 when I'm 45+. My mom had me when she was older and she SAH full time until I entered middle school. She always made us feel like we were in her way. She was very impatient and did not seem to enjoy being around us, and was often "too tired". I'm not saying this is everyone's experience, but this had a huge influence on my decision to have children earlier rather than later, and the fact I happened to get married at 26

My mom was a young mom and she was always too tired, too. My grandmother cared for us more than my mother did. OP: try not to think about what others feel. You are very fortunate and I wish you the best. If you didn't feel up to the task - then you probably wouldn't have even considered TTC. I find that those that judge are those that are insecure.

I agree - my mom had me when she was 21, and had no time for me. She is in her 50s now, and is a wonderful grandmother, with lots of time and energy for her grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 43 when I had my first baby, conceived completely naturally. I never noticed any silent treatment or strange looks. I know I look young. I think some of the techs are just silent and when you're PG, you're very hormonal and may take things personally (I certainly did) when it's really just the tech's personality and not about you.

Every parent gets comments on their age. At one moment you're too young, another too old. PG is great in that it prepares you for all those improper judgments, which you'll continue to get when the baby's born. That's part of being a parent. I sympathize and empathize: and just go forth.

True- one moment you are too young (I had my first when I was 29 - but looked 20, and everyone thought I was a teen mom). My own parents told me to wait until I was more mature to have kids. Now, I am 36, and suddenly AMA!