44 and pregnant, and getting silent treatment

[Anonymous]

I'm very "old" to be getting pregnant. Every time I go for my ultrasounds, the nurses, technicians all get sort of quiet on me. Each time I tell anyone who knows my age I'm pregnant, they, too, get kind of quiet. I know it's not my imagination. DH has noticed it too.

I know we live in an area where older women get pg all the time, but I also know I'm older than even the average woman for our area.

What's it because of - do people think I'm too old to be getting pg? Is this how people think? I know I'm opening a can of worms here and it's okay if the responses are negative toward me. I just want to know the truth.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I was 43 when I had my son. Most people seemed happy for me, although my colleagues don't really know how old I am. The staff at my OB practice (Foxhall) is used to older mothers,and they seemed reasonably upbeat, although they were quite frank about all of the extra tests I ahd to do, as well as the fact that they practically demanded that I be induced if I went 30 seconds over my due date. (Some research convinced me that they were right on the money about that last point).

People might have been silently judging me. Truth to be told, when I meet a woman who had kids before finishing college, I probably am silently judging her. If there are people who seem happy for you, hang out with them, and screw the rest. Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

The only thing I can think of is that people are concerned about the health of the baby. Most of my friends who have been pregnant over 40 (not a huge sample, admittedly) have had some complications. And no offense, but is it possible you look older (even though nurses should know your age)? My friend who gave birth at 43 looked like she was 35 and never mentioned any similar treatment. She doesn't live in DC but lives in an upscale area of LA where there are a lot of older moms.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm 39 and I'll give you my gut instinct.

First a disclaimer of sorts. I've sat in the waiting rooms at the fertility clinic and see women who look a lot older than I am. I have to stop myself from judging - not for the age thing, but because in my head I feel like I'm still 30 and that these women look like late 40's. But I know they aren't. 44 is the max the clinics will take I think, and the truth is that people probably just don't get as many collagen injections as I do. But all this is my way of saying, I view myself as so much younger than women who "look in their 40's." But I'm not. But my head hasn't left that thinking yet. I apologize. I'm getting there. So a nurse in her 20's may be looking at you from drastically different eyes. Maybe it's not judgmental but more like, "this will never happen to me, I'm going to go out to the bars tonight and get knocked up! woo hoo!"

What I honestly think they are thinking is that in our age range, and yes, you and I are the same age range is that people are freaked. They think we're going to step off a curb and miscarry. I think they don't want to be happy/positive/excited because they are afraid of not letting you know that an older pregnancy is tenuous. I don't feel this comes from judging because now I have to be 100% honest and call out another group - I see plenty of women 100 lbs overweight or more, and I wonder what kind of looks they are getting too. I don't understand why an RE treats a women without telling her that the health implications of not losing weight aren't great. So now I would have to ask - are there overweight women here on the board who get this same reaction OP is describing?

OP - have you ever had the courage to just ask one of the nurses? I would. I'm so hormonal right now, I'd rip someone's hair out if they gave me a look after working so hard and long to get to something I've wanted forever.

[Anonymous]

Younger female here, but if they are actually staring, then maybe they are thinking you are a bit old to have a child. When I see a much older woman pregnant and I know their age, I start calculating how old they will be when the child grows up.

[Anonymous]

I have known more than a few people in the past 10 years who have had kids at your age and things are absolutely fine. So congrats and please dont allow other people to effect your joy during this awesome time...

I have had two very very quiet almost cold techs during my U/S's for this pregnancy and I think some of them are just like that. Also, they might be nervous for you because technically the odds of their being problems are greater so they might just be very intent on measuring and making sure everything looks A ok.
There will always be someone who looks at you funny when you have kids later on (my first and second kid are 11 years apart and I am pregnant again) but just remember having kids later doesnt suit everyone either. So they might judge or be puzzled. The point is you are happy and awaiting a beautiful baby and you should just focus on that.
Congrats again...

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the feedback and I appreciate the honesty too. I do.

We had genetic testing done so..so far all is fine with the baby. The nurses/techs all know this.

True, I'll be really old when my child reaches an age of full independence and finishing all his education and hopefully married. When he's 30, I'll be 75 years old.

While my situation is far from optimal, and I wouldn't recommend it for my own children, I try to focus not on statistics but the history of longevity in my family and good health to prevent disease and early mortality. We live a pretty health lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

PP here....they could also be worried about pre term labor, not just abnormalities with the baby. The screenings dont really reassure everyone who is AMA so unless you are talking about an amnio, they might be still concerned about it...not to say YOU need to be concerned about either of those things! Just trying to explain what could be going through their minds.
I think there are plenty of advantages to having kids later in life and honestly, I am also from a family of women who live past 100 so I am not worried about being there or being healthy. Truly though - there are pros and cons to every side of this. It is what you think and believe that count obviously....

[Anonymous]

I am 43.6, single, look extremely youthful, and just had an IVF transfer yesterday. You give me hope because you actually got pregnant ! Congrats! Somebody has to beat the odds, right? You already have, and I very much hope to, as well! Who cares if people have a negative opinion! Why let them take away even a smidgen of your good fortune. Perhaps you would have had children earlier if given the opportunity, but there are so many reasons why you did not? And also perhaps not for lack of trying! For me, both hold true. Everyone has theiir own unique circumstances, life, journey to live...their way.
What is your back story? Continued hh9m

[Anonymous]

Pp here again. One other thought. I do notice older pregnant women more because I am one of them. In the street, everywhere! It is my way of saying to myself, "well, it can happen to me, too!!although I am realistic, I also have to be strong and hold on to hope.....

[Anonymous]

It's shock. I try not to let on but inwardly do a double take.

[Anonymous]

OP, screw them! I think it's wonderful that you and your husband are having a baby at 44! We need more loving, committed parents in this world. Age doesn't matter if you raise your child with love.

I'd rather see a 44 year old mother who knows what she's doing than a 24 year old who is barely an adult herself.

All the best to you and your wonderful, lucky little baby!

[Anonymous]

Um, yeah, you're an older first time mom.

So what?

You will be judged re motherhood no matter who you are----young/old, blonde/not, working/home, bubbly/no, highly-educated/less-so, religious/not, hipster/not, heavy-set/thin...yada yada yada, darling.

Move on.

[Anonymous]

To be honest, I just think to myself, "Dear Lord, who would want to go through the infant and toddler stage at that age," but that really is a reflection on me and not on you. I am on the older side myself and have young kids, so it 's really about my fears and nothing to do with you. Congrats!

[Anonymous]

perhaps they are judging but maybe its based on their own regrets and fears.... it is also a matter of perspective- my parents were late 30s when they had me (now age 38), my paternal grandmother was 42 when she had my dad- in 1935! My husband's mother had him when she was 42 and his father was 48... I never even thought about having children until I hit 35... some people are just late bloomers. Ignore the haters and focus on your joy- you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now... some people don't get it- for some of us life just isn't always easy and doesn't always work they way everyone else says it is supposed to. In fairness, I often look at young mothers and think how can they parent they have hardly any wisdom or life experience or I look at some friends who did it young and now are divorced, miserable, don't have an equal partner...