44 and pregnant, and getting silent treatment

[Anonymous]

OP, I had mine at 41 and 44. I know what you mean.

Just tell yourself that they are jealous...

[Anonymous]

Ha! I was 21 when I had my child, but looked like I was 16. Talk about stares, the silent treatment and the middle fingers. Now my daughter is 6 and people are shocked when she calls me mom. They think I look like I am 17. Oh fun...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be honest, I just think to myself, "Dear Lord, who would want to go through the infant and toddler stage at that age," but that really is a reflection on me and not on you. I am on the older side myself and have young kids, so it 's really about my fears and nothing to do with you. Congrats!

This is what I generally think. I can't fathom having an infant in my mid 40's. The thought is overwhelming and frankly, completely unappealing. I have no idea how I'd make it through the sleepless nights and endless activity (I never sit down when I'm around my kids!) that young children bring. But I'm 37 with 3 kids and I'm so over the infant and toddler phase. If I was 44 and just starting, I'm sure my perspective (and likely my energy level) would be much different.

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends on the person. I am 45 with 2 under 4 and energy-wise, i am doing fine. The first few months after each birth was rough, but once a routine was established, I don't think it is all that difficult. And the only help I have is daycare and my husband. There was a time where I probably would have given someone older a second glance, but now that I am one of "them", I realize that i still have what it takes to be an awesome mom. I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, screw them! I think it's wonderful that you and your husband are having a baby at 44! We need more loving, committed parents in this world. Age doesn't matter if you raise your child with love.

I'd rather see a 44 year old mother who knows what she's doing than a 24 year old who is barely an adult herself.

All the best to you and your wonderful, lucky little baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Younger female here, but if they are actually staring, then maybe they are thinking you are a bit old to have a child. When I see a much older woman pregnant and I know their age, I start calculating how old they will be when the child grows up.

Basically this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had mine at 41 and 44. I know what you mean.

Just tell yourself that they are jealous...

with all due respect, I'm almost certain that they're not jealous (unless they were ultimately never able to get pregnant as hoped).
I can't imagine anyone thinking, "gosh, I really wish I had waited until age 44 to have this child".
The common refrain among many of my friends is "I wish life had worked out so I had this child a few years earlier" (i.e. 35 instead of 38).
"Then I would have had more children (in many cases a third), would have had more energy, would have a better shot of having some decent empty nest years, etc."

[Anonymous]

My Aunt unexpectedly got pg with her first and only at 45....her daughter (now 18 and in a prestigious uni) is the delight of she and my uncle's life....who cares what other people think...her life is beautiful and she and my cousin are so close....enjoy

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry for not replying sooner.

To answer a few questions about how old I look, I don't look 44. I look about mid thirties. I don't think I dress matronly but I don't know. I wear lots of sweaters with belts, fitted or skinny jeans, flats or UGG boots. The only thing I wear from LL Bean is outwear. I try not to dress like a 19 year old though.

And I agree with the PP's that said it's hard to go through sleep deprivation or chase around a baby at my age. It is. I'm wayy more tired than in my thirties. But I'm still more high energy than many my age. And this isn't my first, it's my second, so I know what I'm in for. And while I wholeheartedly agree, it's not an optimal situation, it is what it is and I feel grateful to have a chance to have a baby.

To the PP who wants the back story...did IVF and banked only those that were genetically sound. This one was a blastocyst. Genetically sound blasts have a 60-75% of taking even in women of very advanced maternal age. I don't think it's that unrealistic to have a baby at 44. My friend is 46 and just gave birth to her second. I think it's possible if you eat a very nutritious diet, do acupuncture, and take supplements for at least 6 months prior to the cycle. These things can help to either slow or even reverse the aging process a bit.

To the PP who said fetuses of older women may suffer from premature birth..I plan to put myself on partial bed rest from 34 weeks on. The genetic testing we did was pretty comprehensive, with a 10% margin of error. Then additionally the nuchal test came out fine. Then the bloodwork for genetic abnormalities also came out fine. So far there's a 95% chance that it's healthy. Of course we won't know for sure until a couple years after birth because autism is not detectable with genetic testing and can occur spontaneously in toddlers.

[Anonymous]

I hate you, judgy young people! MYOB, you know nothing about the road we took to get here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate you, judgy young people! MYOB, you know nothing about the road we took to get here.

NO. DOUBT!

And how did this turn into a conversation about the best age and how age of parent equates to tiredness? I'm the poster who is 39 but heard someone next to me give a birthdate 6 years older than my own and she looked way older than me.

OP - I didn't mean to offend about how you look per se, just that some women look much older and so who knows what other people are thinking. Honestly, if you (not YOU you but collective you) are having a baby at 44 and going through torturous fertility treatments, I'd wager a bet that you want that baby more than someone who oops, just got pregnant and wasn't really trying.

[Anonymous]

OP here. PP, no worries. I didn't take offense. Yes, we wanted this baby and we sacrificed a lot for it.

I don't think all young people judge older moms. But for those that do, we probably would have done the same when we were younger. When we were young remember we lacked the frame of reference that we now have. Time and hardship has a way of forcing us to be less judgmental over time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've seen this issue from both sides.

My mother was 43 and 47 when she had her last two babies, both natural pregnancies, both after a health crisis at age 38 led to all her doctors telling her she could never have more children. The silent treatment from the medical staff, I think, was three main things: first, they were irritated to be wrong, and second, they thought she was absolutely insane for caring so much about protecting her fertility, and lastly, they could not grasp that she did not avail herself of certain technologies (as a faithful Catholic, some methods are not licit). As for random strangers, there was the usual prejudice against older mothers, as well as the prejudice against large families (they were her 9th and 10th babies).

On the other side, I had my first baby five days before my mother had her 9th baby. I looked like a baby myself, and still look young (I was mistaken for my 14 year old daughter at the orthodontist last week). So it has always been "you don't look old enough to have X many children!!". And the weird silences I get with doctors and staff is because I have PCOS and hypothyroidism, but I have also been pregnant 11 times. I am a medical outlier. I think anytime you challenge the median, the typical, the norm, you will get looks and silences and even rude comments.

After all these years, the looks and comments still sting, but I make a decision to see them in the best possible light, and as an opportunity to share my joy in my children with strangers. If you meet silence with cheerfulness, as if you assume the stranger is happy for you, they will often play along, and might even change their perspective a little. See it as a chance to count your blessings, you know? Because you should cherish every moment of this wonderful time of your life, and if you're fighting the tide, you'll exhaust yourself. But if you float with it, it can become a source of humor, something that shapes your child's identity.

I wish I could tell you how amazing my youngest brother and sister are...so brilliant, so charming, so healthy, the light of my parents' lives. One of my other brothers had spina bifida, but these two "miracle" babies were healthy from conception on. Life is beautiful. Congratulations!!

[Anonymous]

Not sure if you need bedrest at all, but the real risks of prematurity are to babies born before 34 weeks. Genetic testing can't test for many of the risks of being older (cerebral palsy, autism). I think it can give women a false sense of security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if you need bedrest at all, but the real risks of prematurity are to babies born before 34 weeks. Genetic testing can't test for many of the risks of being older (cerebral palsy, autism). I think it can give women a false sense of security.

My OB said these scary statistics do not apply to moms who have had previous successful pregnancies (I was 42 with #4 at the time). OP said this is her 2nd.
OP Good luck. Our (by far) youngest is truly our pride and joy. Sure, we love the older kids, but we seem to finally have the parenting thing down now, we get what's important and what's not, we have more time and money to relax and enjoy this little one. DH spends much more time with him than he was able to spend with the older kids when they were younger. It's been the blessing of a lifetime.