Graduation Dilemma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

he's started saying stuff like high school graduation isn't a big deal

He's making this a test. He wants to make sure he "wins" over sister. He shouldn't. I'd help every other family member, everyone he would like to come (only if they want), help them with their travel plans. Try your best to make the big celebration he wants (as long as they want). Also, make your and DD's travel arrangements to come too, hoping for the best. If it doesn't happen due to flight problems, it doesn't happen. But you should do the travel planning for it to work -- even if it's exhausting. Even if it's expensive.

OP here. I'm interested in what you are saying, but I'm not sure I follow. Yes, he is definitely making this a contest that I don't want any part of. I don't mind the logistics. I don't mind the expense. But the flight problems that are going to screw things up are the ones going home. (Graduation of 2000 people ending on time, existing a stadium, finding an uber, getting through airport security, and the last plane of the day - on Frontier - leaving on time). So the only thing being risked is my daughter's attending her own graduation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t just a high school graduation — it’s your baby’s transition into adulthood and a major life milestone before leaving home. That matters. You don’t want her to feel like her feelings come second to your husband’s son. People often talk about stepchildren being treated unfairly, but biological children often feel overlooked when parents focus so heavily on proving they treat stepchildren equally. Your stepson is already an adult who has experienced multiple graduations, while your daughter is still a teenager going through her first milestone. It also comes across as though he’s competing for attention from his own teenage sister’s mother, very odd.

To be clear, his number one priority is that his sister is there. They are really close.

[Anonymous]

The girl can’t risk missing her own graduation, so mom and daughter stay home. Dad can travel to his son’s graduation, enjoy the festivities, and skip out early to make the flight home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I very much want to treat both kids fairly. I included the info about older kid being a stepson and my personal feelings about graduations, as they may inform my biases. But, at the end of the day, if it weren't logistically on the edge, of course we'd attend both.

I also agree the terminal degree is the most important, and the accomplishment should be celebrated hugely, but, yeah, I feel like as far as a ceremony goes, high school graduation really is a marker of the edge of childhood and a whole new stage of life. Grad school graduation (as in, someone handing me a diploma) didn't mean much at all. Just my opinion.

I also recommend mom staying and managing the daughter's graduation and father attending the son's graduation and leaving right after to come home and make daughter's.

I think the first graduation matters the most because the honoree hasn't had one before and doesn't know how they will feel about it on the day or afterwards. It's like a first wedding. Much less certainty.

All of my 3 graduations ended up being kind of blah. Bad weather, bad audio, mediocre speakers, losing a grad award to a rival, and realizing that I should have joined an otherwise pointless pay-to-play honor society if I wanted to get cords for summa cum laude. By the third, I was done with the fantasy that I would be deeply touched by the ceremonies. Mildly meaningful is the nicest I can be about them. So I think romanticizing their impact is foolish.

It's clear that the greatest risk is that the high schooler might miss her own graduation. That's unacceptable.

Maybe get everyone tickets to a neutral vacation spot for later in the summer.

Check for live web links to be offered for both graduations. My older son's graduation had a live broadcast. My sister and her kids watched from the next town over. Tickets were limited.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Web links exist for both graduations. Family vacation with both kid's favorite activity - hiking - already planned! I'm seriously trying here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Of course she should favor her daughter, over her stepson. What?

Disagree. Favoring the younger one who has never had a graduation. I would say do both if it were a drive, even a long one, but planes are delayed so often now. I would never depend on that with such a tight window.

I also disagree with OP with not talking about it for 6 months. I would set the expectation nicely now - we are still figuring it out, wish we could do both, but seems like I and DD will need to stay back so she can go to her own graduation. We will see if anything changes, but just wanted to discuss with you, as we are really bummed about it. Thanks for understanding.

I do think things could change - many people I know, including myself, didn't go to their grad school graduation, so he may change his answer once he sees some of his friends aren't going to be thereeither.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t just a high school graduation — it’s your baby’s transition into adulthood and a major life milestone before leaving home. That matters. You don’t want her to feel like her feelings come second to your husband’s son. People often talk about stepchildren being treated unfairly, but biological children often feel overlooked when parents focus so heavily on proving they treat stepchildren equally. Your stepson is already an adult who has experienced multiple graduations, while your daughter is still a teenager going through her first milestone. It also comes across as though he’s competing for attention from his own teenage sister’s mother, very odd.

To be clear, his number one priority is that his sister is there. They are really close.

Why isn't his number 1 priority in that case that HE is there for HER graduation, her very first one??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Of course she should favor her daughter, over her stepson. What?

Children of the family should be treated equally even if stepkids otherwise you will reap what you sow

Op went to both his graduations. That’s fair. Choosing her own daughter’s first graduation is also fair. Or is her kid never allowed to come first for her even though the stepson has both his parents who can put him first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t just a high school graduation — it’s your baby’s transition into adulthood and a major life milestone before leaving home. That matters. You don’t want her to feel like her feelings come second to your husband’s son. People often talk about stepchildren being treated unfairly, but biological children often feel overlooked when parents focus so heavily on proving they treat stepchildren equally. Your stepson is already an adult who has experienced multiple graduations, while your daughter is still a teenager going through her first milestone. It also comes across as though he’s competing for attention from his own teenage sister’s mother, very odd.

To be clear, his number one priority is that his sister is there. They are really close.

Well that’s just not realistic, given both graduations are on the same weekend. If he wants to be upset about that, that’s his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t just a high school graduation — it’s your baby’s transition into adulthood and a major life milestone before leaving home. That matters. You don’t want her to feel like her feelings come second to your husband’s son. People often talk about stepchildren being treated unfairly, but biological children often feel overlooked when parents focus so heavily on proving they treat stepchildren equally. Your stepson is already an adult who has experienced multiple graduations, while your daughter is still a teenager going through her first milestone. It also comes across as though he’s competing for attention from his own teenage sister’s mother, very odd.

To be clear, his number one priority is that his sister is there. They are really close.

You’re being so eminently fair to him in your responses . He needs to grow up. Either he accepts she has her own graduation to attend and can’t make his or he skips his third to attend her first.

[Anonymous]

He's making this a test. ...

Sorry Op, I was this poster and I had the events reversed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t just a high school graduation — it’s your baby’s transition into adulthood and a major life milestone before leaving home. That matters. You don’t want her to feel like her feelings come second to your husband’s son. People often talk about stepchildren being treated unfairly, but biological children often feel overlooked when parents focus so heavily on proving they treat stepchildren equally. Your stepson is already an adult who has experienced multiple graduations, while your daughter is still a teenager going through her first milestone. It also comes across as though he’s competing for attention from his own teenage sister’s mother, very odd.

To be clear, his number one priority is that his sister is there. They are really close.

Why isn't his number 1 priority in that case that HE is there for HER graduation, her very first one??

This. If this ADULT MAN cares so much for his little sister, he would bend over backwards to be there for HER. Not be demanding that she (essentially) risk her own graduation just to be in the audience for his. What selfishness...

[Anonymous]

The ss is playing a game of “Who’s more important?” I would prepare him now that it’s not looking good for his graduation. I would not risk your DD’s graduation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Wrong. And boy you came to the right place, where so many of us have multiple degrees.

I didn't even walk at my grad school graduation.
Anything with a stadium is right out.
HS was a big deal- it was small with my high school best friends that I had known for 12 years and it was a very big deal for me at the time. In restrospect? Not so much, but at the time it is very very important. Everyone knows that.

OP skip that grad school one.
Like many have said, he's an ADULT. And the fact that this male is planning so far ahead tells me he's up to no good. My niece just announced she's getting married next year....

[Anonymous]

We have twins who went to different colleges. Same graduation days. Husband went to one with family in that locale. I went to other with different family group. Each graduate was celebrated as much as was humanly possible under the circumstances.

My recommendation to you is to split up.