Graduation Dilemma

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's not online - excellent university. It's a professional doctorate, actually a real practical degree as he has great job prospects!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I've brought up a lot of these compromises. I think if I communicate later that we want to celebrate him in any way we can, but the only hard line is DD and I have to be on a flight that's at 6pm or earlier (ie not last of the day and gives time for me to drive home in absolutely worst case scenario).

Unless something is different next year, no there is no separate PhD ceremony. I confirmed that.

For the folks asking about logistics, we live in a major metro area, the ceremony is in a major metro area; and DSS will be coming in from a third major metro area. All three places have nonstop flights on the order of 2 hours between them.

His phd graduation is a 2 hour flight from where he lives? That doesn't make sense.

OP. I know I said PhD, but it's actually a different sort of doctorate that has an internship as the final year. He got matched to an internship in a different city. Thats also why his thesis is complete

physical therapy?

OP here. I don't think a DPT has a thesis or that you get a masters after 18 months. But yeah, something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Of course she should favor her daughter, over her stepson. What?

No, there is nothing of course about it. You're just not a nice person.

OP, I would absolutely try to do both. Yes, it will be a late night but this is one of those moments in life that you just don't skip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Of course she should favor her daughter, over her stepson. What?

No, there is nothing of course about it. You're just not a nice person.

OP, I would absolutely try to do both. Yes, it will be a late night but this is one of those moments in life that you just don't skip.

The son is not a kid.

He is an adult man, closer to middle aged than high school. He is closer to middle aged than his sister is to kindergarten.

Of course they should prioritize the daughter's high school graduation over the adult man's 3rd graduation.

In fact, if he dotes on his sister as much as OP says he claims to do, then he should cut his own graduation festivities, scheduling them another day, and fly out right after his ceremony so he can attend her graduation, making that the priority since high school graduation is a much larger milestone than a phd graduation, and he is a fully grown adult man, not a teenage child.

[Anonymous]

What kind of adult man stomps his feet and insists that his 3rd graduation ceremony should take priority over his sister's high school graduation, including insisting that his teen sister needs to prioritize his event over her own graduation?

Is he from some male dominated, non US, non western culture, where girls are seen as unimportant burdens and men, especially first born sons are seen as the most important prople in the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of adult man stomps his feet and insists that his 3rd graduation ceremony should take priority over his sister's high school graduation, including insisting that his teen sister needs to prioritize his event over her own graduation?

Is he from some male dominated, non US, non western culture, where girls are seen as unimportant burdens and men, especially first born sons are seen as the most important prople in the family?

Did his mother have primary custody after the divorce? Maybe he holds a grudge that he didn't get to live with his father, while his half sister has lived with dad for her whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Of course she should favor her daughter, over her stepson. What?

No, there is nothing of course about it. You're just not a nice person.

OP, I would absolutely try to do both. Yes, it will be a late night but this is one of those moments in life that you just don't skip.

The son is not a kid.

He is an adult man, closer to middle aged than high school. He is closer to middle aged than his sister is to kindergarten.

Of course they should prioritize the daughter's high school graduation over the adult man's 3rd graduation.

In fact, if he dotes on his sister as much as OP says he claims to do, then he should cut his own graduation festivities, scheduling them another day, and fly out right after his ceremony so he can attend her graduation, making that the priority since high school graduation is a much larger milestone than a phd graduation, and he is a fully grown adult man, not a teenage child.

There is zero chance you'd be saying any of this if both kids were OP's bio kids. Pretty disgusting, actually.

OP herself wouldn't be asking the question either. She would make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

This is my take, too. I would absolutely try to do both. If it's literally impossible, work with your stepson to come up with a plan that he can live with. But your dismissiveness toward his viewpoint shows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

This is my take, too. I would absolutely try to do both. If it's literally impossible, work with your stepson to come up with a plan that he can live with. But your dismissiveness toward his viewpoint shows.

+3

[Anonymous]

A high school graduation is a very big deal for kids. You absolutely should not miss that. His dad should attend his graduation and you should stay home with your daughter. I appreciate that your son would like you all to attend, but that's simply not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A high school graduation is a very big deal for kids. You absolutely should not miss that. His dad should attend his graduation and you should stay home with your daughter. I appreciate that your son would like you all to attend, but that's simply not reasonable.

It IS reasonable if you love both kids equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Agreed. High school graduation is not an accomplishment unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances. Tell your daughter she may need to sacrifice some of her graduation festivities. Warn her now so she has time to process this. It's part of being there for family. She'll get her turn in the spotlight when she finishes college.

This is a wild take. High school graduation is more about being the end of of chapter and entering adulthood. It's closing the door on 4 years of seeing your best friends every day and being a kid. In some cases these are kids who have been friends since grade school. It's a big deal. As an adult he should understand this. I didn't even attend my grad school ceremony. In fact, if I had to choose between my younger sister's graduation and my grad school one, I'd choose my sister's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Agreed. High school graduation is not an accomplishment unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances. Tell your daughter she may need to sacrifice some of her graduation festivities. Warn her now so she has time to process this. It's part of being there for family. She'll get her turn in the spotlight when she finishes college.

This is a wild take. High school graduation is more about being the end of of chapter and entering adulthood. It's closing the door on 4 years of seeing your best friends every day and being a kid. In some cases these are kids who have been friends since grade school. It's a big deal. As an adult he should understand this. I didn't even attend my grad school ceremony. In fact, if I had to choose between my younger sister's graduation and my grad school one, I'd choose my sister's.

OP here, I personally agree, down to skipping my own. But I don't think it's a fruitful line of discussion. Because, logistically, it doesn't seem reasonable to me, and if it were, of course we'd do both. So I guess it comes down to your risk tolerance for stadium logistics, ultra budget airline leaving on time, and getting home 1am. Which clearly different people feel differently about!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A high school graduation is a very big deal for kids. You absolutely should not miss that. His dad should attend his graduation and you should stay home with your daughter. I appreciate that your son would like you all to attend, but that's simply not reasonable.

It IS reasonable if you love both kids equally.

Clearly you have some unresolved mommy/daddy issues. OP, please don't listen to this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Agreed. High school graduation is not an accomplishment unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances. Tell your daughter she may need to sacrifice some of her graduation festivities. Warn her now so she has time to process this. It's part of being there for family. She'll get her turn in the spotlight when she finishes college.

This is a wild take. High school graduation is more about being the end of of chapter and entering adulthood. It's closing the door on 4 years of seeing your best friends every day and being a kid. In some cases these are kids who have been friends since grade school. It's a big deal. As an adult he should understand this. I didn't even attend my grad school ceremony. In fact, if I had to choose between my younger sister's graduation and my grad school one, I'd choose my sister's.

OP here, I personally agree, down to skipping my own. But I don't think it's a fruitful line of discussion. Because, logistically, it doesn't seem reasonable to me, and if it were, of course we'd do both. So I guess it comes down to your risk tolerance for stadium logistics, ultra budget airline leaving on time, and getting home 1am. Which clearly different people feel differently about!

No, I don't think it's productive to get into an argument over one being more significant than the other. I think you stay firm and say, "we would all love be able to attend both ceremonies, but unfortunately, we have no control over when they are scheduled. We cannot be in two places at the same time so your dad will be at your ceremony and your sister and I will stay home to attend hers. We have plenty of time to plan a celebration for all of us to be together." The end. I would not spend the next 6 months arguing or entertaining guilt trips.