Graduation Dilemma

[Anonymous]

OP-doesn't your dd need to be home the day before graduation? My kids all had rehearsal the day before, and needed to be there.

[Anonymous]

OP - draw a hard line on you and your DD not traveling to stepsons graduation. It just doesn’t work logistically and makes no sense. Most graduations these days are live streamed — plan to have a “watch party”. Your DH should try to do both only if he can live with the possibility of missing his daughter’s HS graduation.

This is good practice for your daughter to draw boundaries and not twist herself into a pretzel for a man who doesn’t actually care about her. If he did, he was be talking about skipping his graduation to be at hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you end up going, plan on driving back. Air travel is too inconsistent.

If we left directly from the first ceremony we'd get home at 3am - 5 hours before the second ceremony's

That’s not realistic. It’s just not. You and dd stay home and watch it online. Dh goes and books flight to come home in time. Great if he makes it, bummer if he doesn’t. But you can’t be driving home in the middle of the night before her hs graduation.

Sometimes things don’t work out. Is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you end up going, plan on driving back. Air travel is too inconsistent.

If we left directly from the first ceremony we'd get home at 3am - 5 hours before the second ceremony's

That’s not realistic. It’s just not. You and dd stay home and watch it online. Dh goes and books flight to come home in time. Great if he makes it, bummer if he doesn’t. But you can’t be driving home in the middle of the night before her hs graduation.

Sometimes things don’t work out. Is what it is.

OP here.
I completely agree. I was just pointing out that driving after the ceremony isn't a solution.

[Anonymous]

Grad school is more important in the celebratory/resume-kind of way, but not in the regalia/pomp and circumstance kind of way.

He’s had 2 graduations. Treating everyone equally means every kid gets the whole family at HS and BS graduations.

Why is he making this a test? And why isn’t he concerned about his sister’s milestone? Why is he only concerned about himself. What else is going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I've brought up a lot of these compromises. I think if I communicate later that we want to celebrate him in any way we can, but the only hard line is DD and I have to be on a flight that's at 6pm or earlier (ie not last of the day and gives time for me to drive home in absolutely worst case scenario).

Unless something is different next year, no there is no separate PhD ceremony. I confirmed that.

For the folks asking about logistics, we live in a major metro area, the ceremony is in a major metro area; and DSS will be coming in from a third major metro area. All three places have nonstop flights on the order of 2 hours between them.

I’m the poster who asked what’s going on with your stepson. I have a lot of PhDs in my family. The celebration after defending their thesis was the big deal not receiving diploma with the masses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he going to the entire school university? Doesn't his program have its own graduation? I have 2 degrees and never went to any of the entire university grad programs.

+1 Everyone saying to go to this stadium grad school event like it's oh-so-important is daft. I'm surprised the graduate has no idea. Are we sure he earned that degree? Sounds ... not smart. And definitely selfish.

It sounds like he picked this one to be difficult. There are graduation events all weekend long. Why would he insists on the large university one which is probably geared towards undergrads?

At William and Mary, the only degrees they handed out at the stadium were the Phds. The undergrad degrees were handed out at departmental events for economics, history, business etc.

My school had separate graduations for the various colleges and one large university for all. I only went to my college graduation. For my MBA it was just us, not anyone else. This story seems a little far fetched that he has to go to the main university grad.

[Anonymous]

DD should not miss her HS graduation or any of the activities. The timing is unfortunate but SS already had two graduations with full family attendance and is old enough to understand that logistics mean that isn’t possible this time. There are some messed up dynamics underlying everything but let’s deal with logistics first.

Any plan that relies on a commercial flight leaving as scheduled, or even on the same day is impossible, as is driving. Therefore, you and DD stay home. Someone can text you a little before SS is going to walk and you can watch that part of the livestream. H decides what he’s doing.

You said things are not good with H and he won’t even discuss with you. 🚩 Marriage counseling. SS is pressuring his little sister to skip her graduation? Why are you permitting this. That’s controlling, toxic, manipulative behavior. You need to protect your DD here. 🚩 Individual therapy and maybe family therapy.

Finally, what is the relevance of the duration of H’s first marriage? Just curious why you mentioned that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you end up going, plan on driving back. Air travel is too inconsistent.

If we left directly from the first ceremony we'd get home at 3am - 5 hours before the second ceremony's

You already know none of you are going just bite the bullet and tell him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD should not miss her HS graduation or any of the activities. The timing is unfortunate but SS already had two graduations with full family attendance and is old enough to understand that logistics mean that isn’t possible this time. There are some messed up dynamics underlying everything but let’s deal with logistics first.

Any plan that relies on a commercial flight leaving as scheduled, or even on the same day is impossible, as is driving. Therefore, you and DD stay home. Someone can text you a little before SS is going to walk and you can watch that part of the livestream. H decides what he’s doing.

You said things are not good with H and he won’t even discuss with you. 🚩 Marriage counseling. SS is pressuring his little sister to skip her graduation? Why are you permitting this. That’s controlling, toxic, manipulative behavior. You need to protect your DD here. 🚩 Individual therapy and maybe family therapy.

Finally, what is the relevance of the duration of H’s first marriage? Just curious why you mentioned that?

OP here.
Your points - marriage counseling - he refuses

Pressure from DSS. Remember these "kids" are 17 and 26. I really don't control there interactions. I told DSS when he brought up letting DD decide that it wasn't a fair question to ask, and I thought he should just think further on it himself

Length of marriage - I've been around the block with DCUM a few times. This thread has actually been a record low in mentions of "you are just the step-mom, know your place; and I bet you weee the AP who broke up the marriage" I find just preempting that makes things run a little smoother when I want advice.

[Anonymous]

Op, just another person chiming in to say the obvious solution is that you and DD stay for her HS graduation. Your husband goes to stepson’s graduation.

I do think you should consider starting to set expectations on this now. Letting it drag out for 5 months, why. Nothing will change.

Let your husband decide what he will do and don’t worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, just another person chiming in to say the obvious solution is that you and DD stay for her HS graduation. Your husband goes to stepson’s graduation.

I do think you should consider starting to set expectations on this now. Letting it drag out for 5 months, why. Nothing will change.

Let your husband decide what he will do and don’t worry about it.

This. Be very direct about what you plan to do. Don’t let him hope that you’ll all be there.

[Anonymous]

It is not actually possible to plan to do both because DD MUST be there for the AM event and banking on zero flight delay / disruption is a very dicey assumption. You need to divide and conquer since it is the same weekend. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD should not miss her HS graduation or any of the activities. The timing is unfortunate but SS already had two graduations with full family attendance and is old enough to understand that logistics mean that isn’t possible this time. There are some messed up dynamics underlying everything but let’s deal with logistics first.

Any plan that relies on a commercial flight leaving as scheduled, or even on the same day is impossible, as is driving. Therefore, you and DD stay home. Someone can text you a little before SS is going to walk and you can watch that part of the livestream. H decides what he’s doing.

You said things are not good with H and he won’t even discuss with you. 🚩 Marriage counseling. SS is pressuring his little sister to skip her graduation? Why are you permitting this. That’s controlling, toxic, manipulative behavior. You need to protect your DD here. 🚩 Individual therapy and maybe family therapy.

Finally, what is the relevance of the duration of H’s first marriage? Just curious why you mentioned that?

OP here.
Your points - marriage counseling - he refuses

Pressure from DSS. Remember these "kids" are 17 and 26. I really don't control there interactions. I told DSS when he brought up letting DD decide that it wasn't a fair question to ask, and I thought he should just think further on it himself

Length of marriage - I've been around the block with DCUM a few times. This thread has actually been a record low in mentions of "you are just the step-mom, know your place; and I bet you weee the AP who broke up the marriage" I find just preempting that makes things run a little smoother when I want advice.

Go to individual therapy without him, maybe do some joint counseling with DD

You can’t control their interactions but you can model for her, advocate for her. You can also be more direct with SS not because he’s a step but because he’s a grown man with a fully developed brain

Fair enough. I have a wicked SM but I know many lovely SMs. DCUM does struggle with that sometime

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven’t seen you answer the questions about whether his biological mom will be there or any members of that part of his family. You’re also not explaining WHY your stepson aka your son is making this a test of some kind. What exactly is he texting, and what’s the history behind that?