Graduation Dilemma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Agreed. High school graduation is not an accomplishment unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances. Tell your daughter she may need to sacrifice some of her graduation festivities. Warn her now so she has time to process this. It's part of being there for family. She'll get her turn in the spotlight when she finishes college.

Grad School is so NOT a big deal. Not only have you had two commencements, you’re also old enough to recognize it as mere pomp and circumstance that it is. (FWIW I have my Master’s and could easily have skipped my last graduation ceremony) To a 17 or 18 year old graduating high school, that graduation is a BIG DEAL. The step son is being superrrr selfish.

I’m with you, I have two masters and did not attend either ceremony. For graduate degrees, the degree is the accomplishment and the ceremony is less important. For the first masters I took the day off work and treated myself to lunch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

This is my take, too. I would absolutely try to do both. If it's literally impossible, work with your stepson to come up with a plan that he can live with. But your dismissiveness toward his viewpoint shows.

+3

-1 I really disagree with this take. High school graduation is a huge rite of passage and asking a 17 year old to be flexible here is very different than asking a 27 year old to be flexible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven’t seen you answer the questions about whether his biological mom will be there or any members of that part of his family. You’re also not explaining WHY your stepson aka your son is making this a test of some kind. What exactly is he texting, and what’s the history behind that?

Op, also haven’t seen you answer the question as to whether when insisting on everyone’s presence for his ceremony your stepson is equally emphatic that he also plans attend his sister’s graduation the next day.

Clearly the travel logistics make this impractical/potentially unfeasible (and either way you and dd should definitely not travel) but this point is telling as to whether he’s just a little out of touch with reality or a complete narcissist.

I don't think he's a complete narcissist. I do think he's a little immature, and, what I've noticed is that he majorly regresses when interacting with his sister. I don't think this is so unusual, but it's like he steps in the door and regresses a decade. But yes, he thinks his graduation should be prioritized. That's why I think dropping this for a while is smart. There's too much to argue about at this time. What if the ceremony is an hour earlier next year? What if flight schedules change?

At the end of the day, I'm hoping with time both he and his father will realize how unfair it would be for his sister to miss/risk her graduation.

I kind of love the watch party idea.
I'm going to keep that in my pocket. With a stadium event, you are pretty much watching a screen anyhow!

This - how do you even know the dates and times of graduations in 2027?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't respond about DD's grad rehearsal. Would she miss that if she went to SS's event?

DSS graduates on a Saturday afternoon.
DD graduates on Sunday morning.

If the high school doesn't change up anything, the closest official event is baccalaureate on Friday evening. There's no rehersal I can see on the official schedule. (I had asked for one from a friend to check this exact question out earlier)

FYI, people are going to be having grad parties all weekend. No way she would want to skip those! This is the last time she'll be seeing these high school friends unless they attend the same colleges. I still remember my high school grad night party and I'm 47. Meanwhile, I don't have a ton of memories from my college graduation (except the speaker) or my law school graduation and I didn't even attend my LLM graduation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Of course she should favor her daughter, over her stepson. What?

No, there is nothing of course about it. You're just not a nice person.

OP, I would absolutely try to do both. Yes, it will be a late night but this is one of those moments in life that you just don't skip.

The son is not a kid.

He is an adult man, closer to middle aged than high school. He is closer to middle aged than his sister is to kindergarten.

Of course they should prioritize the daughter's high school graduation over the adult man's 3rd graduation.

In fact, if he dotes on his sister as much as OP says he claims to do, then he should cut his own graduation festivities, scheduling them another day, and fly out right after his ceremony so he can attend her graduation, making that the priority since high school graduation is a much larger milestone than a phd graduation, and he is a fully grown adult man, not a teenage child.

There is zero chance you'd be saying any of this if both kids were OP's bio kids. Pretty disgusting, actually.

OP herself wouldn't be asking the question either. She would make it work.

I doubt this is true. It doesn't work out logistically. I have twins so it's very likely that one of us will end up going to one graduation and the other will go to the other one. It's not like we prefer one child over the other, and they're both biologically ours. It's just that sometimes life is difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Agreed. High school graduation is not an accomplishment unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances. Tell your daughter she may need to sacrifice some of her graduation festivities. Warn her now so she has time to process this. It's part of being there for family. She'll get her turn in the spotlight when she finishes college.

This is a wild take. High school graduation is more about being the end of of chapter and entering adulthood. It's closing the door on 4 years of seeing your best friends every day and being a kid. In some cases these are kids who have been friends since grade school. It's a big deal. As an adult he should understand this. I didn't even attend my grad school ceremony. In fact, if I had to choose between my younger sister's graduation and my grad school one, I'd choose my sister's.

OP here, I personally agree, down to skipping my own. But I don't think it's a fruitful line of discussion. Because, logistically, it doesn't seem reasonable to me, and if it were, of course we'd do both. So I guess it comes down to your risk tolerance for stadium logistics, ultra budget airline leaving on time, and getting home 1am. Which clearly different people feel differently about!

I think it's incredibly rude of your son to ask his sister to miss her entire graduation weekend and get home at 1 am before an 8 am graduation for a third graduation. He's being a selfish prick. Stick up for your daughter and let him and your husband pout about it. And I would absolutely say the same thing even if the roles were reversed and the daughter was the step daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your daughter absolutely stay home and go to your her graduation. The stepson is 26-28, he’s had 2 graduations already. This is your kid’s first milestone moment. Your *husband* has to be the one to decide what he does about trying to attend both or just one but your decision is clear and simple.

+1
There is not even a question on what you and your daughter do here. Also don’t forget this is thunderstorm season in dc. Late flights are often a mess even if dc weather is ok bc incoming ones are delayed elsewhere

[Anonymous]

You all are killjoys. I loved all my graduations (high school, college, masters and law school) and attended all of them. They were all special in their own way. They each represented a different milestone. They’re all important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are killjoys. I loved all my graduations (high school, college, masters and law school) and attended all of them. They were all special in their own way. They each represented a different milestone. They’re all important.

No one is saying the son's graduation isn't important. They're saying it's not so important that his sister should have to risk missing hers.

[Anonymous]

I have a few degrees. Can say that high school graduation is a 100 x bigger deal than graduate school grad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Of course she should favor her daughter, over her stepson. What?

No, there is nothing of course about it. You're just not a nice person.

OP, I would absolutely try to do both. Yes, it will be a late night but this is one of those moments in life that you just don't skip.

The son is not a kid.

He is an adult man, closer to middle aged than high school. He is closer to middle aged than his sister is to kindergarten.

Of course they should prioritize the daughter's high school graduation over the adult man's 3rd graduation.

In fact, if he dotes on his sister as much as OP says he claims to do, then he should cut his own graduation festivities, scheduling them another day, and fly out right after his ceremony so he can attend her graduation, making that the priority since high school graduation is a much larger milestone than a phd graduation, and he is a fully grown adult man, not a teenage child.

There is zero chance you'd be saying any of this if both kids were OP's bio kids. Pretty disgusting, actually.

OP herself wouldn't be asking the question either. She would make it work.

I would absolutely say this if both kids were OPs bio kids.

The adult is being a selfish middle aged man baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A high school graduation is a very big deal for kids. You absolutely should not miss that. His dad should attend his graduation and you should stay home with your daughter. I appreciate that your son would like you all to attend, but that's simply not reasonable.

Dad should attend his daughter's graduation too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A high school graduation is a very big deal for kids. You absolutely should not miss that. His dad should attend his graduation and you should stay home with your daughter. I appreciate that your son would like you all to attend, but that's simply not reasonable.

It IS reasonable if you love both kids equally.

Yeah, the selfish man child wants his teenage sister to risk missing her high school graduation, her last childhood milestone, because he dotes on her soooo much that she absolutely has to prioritize his 3rd graduation over her first.

If he loved sister as much as he claims he does, then he would never make this request and would find a way to delay his party so he could fly out after his cereminy to make it to her ceremony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Agreed. High school graduation is not an accomplishment unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances. Tell your daughter she may need to sacrifice some of her graduation festivities. Warn her now so she has time to process this. It's part of being there for family. She'll get her turn in the spotlight when she finishes college.

This is a wild take. High school graduation is more about being the end of of chapter and entering adulthood. It's closing the door on 4 years of seeing your best friends every day and being a kid. In some cases these are kids who have been friends since grade school. It's a big deal. As an adult he should understand this. I didn't even attend my grad school ceremony. In fact, if I had to choose between my younger sister's graduation and my grad school one, I'd choose my sister's.

OP here, I personally agree, down to skipping my own. But I don't think it's a fruitful line of discussion. Because, logistically, it doesn't seem reasonable to me, and if it were, of course we'd do both. So I guess it comes down to your risk tolerance for stadium logistics, ultra budget airline leaving on time, and getting home 1am. Which clearly different people feel differently about!

I think it's incredibly rude of your son to ask his sister to miss her entire graduation weekend and get home at 1 am before an 8 am graduation for a third graduation. He's being a selfish prick. Stick up for your daughter and let him and your husband pout about it. And I would absolutely say the same thing even if the roles were reversed and the daughter was the step daughter.

This.

It is also a great opportunity to teach your daughter how to graciously stand up for herself and not let herself be guilted and bullied into putting some man's unreasonable whims over her needs and what her logic tells her is the correct thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Your step son needs to understand that he is not your son (regardless of what society wants us to believe) and only expect his father at his graduation.
Just tell him it’s only his father who will be coming. What’s he gonna do, cut you off? You are not his mother so honesty it’s not the end of the world.