Graduation Dilemma
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I'm not sure where this belongs as there are elements of special concerns, relationship, adult kids....
The actual answer is - drop it for at least 6 months, but I guess because it's graduation season it keeps coming up. My husband I and I have been married for almost 20 years. We have a kid who is graduating high school next year. I have a step son who is almost a decade older, I've been in his life since he was 7. For background, his parents (my husband and ex) were married less than a year. We all live a nonstop plane ride away from the DC area, but my stepson returned for grad school and will be getting his degree in a year. However, for his type of degree, he actually does a final internship year, so also won't be local to his school. For more context, although his college years were wrecked by Covid, he had a normal high school and college graduation which, of course, we all attended. Our daughter will be graduating high school next year as well. My stepson has already begun asking that we make plans to attend his grad school graduation. It's a huge event, for the entire University, that takes place in a stadium and ends at 6 in the evening. He wants everyone to fly up from our respective cities to spend a weekend at the University location before he graduates. So here's the big problem, our daughter graduates high school the next morning at 8 in the morning. He keeps bringing it up (I'm generally the travel planner in the family). and I said we really needed to just think about what makes sense, plus we can't even buy plan tickets for another month! He is adamant that he wants his sister there. But, honestly, it makes no sense to me logistically. If it was impossible, it would be an easy decision, but, theoretically, if everything went perfectly, we could get out to the airport just in time for the last plane flying to our destination and get home at about 1am. (assuming schedules are the same next summer - and this last plane is on a super budget carrier, so who knows.) I don't think my daughter should miss the graduation events with her friends and risk missing her actual high school graduation in these circumstances. In my perfect world, he'd skip his graduation (and, for more context, I'm kind of biased here as I could care less about grad school graduations and skipped my own because I was already working - high school graduation just seems different as you are really leaving a stage of life behind.), and we'd fly out to spend a weekend celebrating his accomplishment the weekend before or after. Then when could also be together for his sister's event. In another world, less perfect but more fair, his dad could fly out for his graduation, and I'd stay in town with his sister, so she could do bacculareate. grad parties. etc. . They could try to make it back in time for the graduation itself. I'm trying to let this drop, as he's started saying stuff like high school graduation isn't a big deal, so I don't think he's being rational. I'm really just trying to let his dad and him really think it through. By the time we are closer, he will have been working for 9 months away from school, class, classmates, etc. But it's come up enough times that I kind of need an outlet and some alternate viewpoints! |
Anonymous
| Skip his and stay for your daughter’s graduation. Do something with him later. |
Anonymous
| You and your daughter absolutely stay home and go to your her graduation. The stepson is 26-28, he’s had 2 graduations already. This is your kid’s first milestone moment. Your *husband* has to be the one to decide what he does about trying to attend both or just one but your decision is clear and simple. |
Anonymous
|
You went to his HS graduation and his college graduation correct?
This will be his 3rd? Its not his turn anymore, its his sisters. i say you do something with him the weekend before or after to celebrate and skip the ceremony itself. |
Anonymous
|
OP here. Who knows how this will go, but I appreciate the first two responses.
My husband and I aren't in a great place right now. So he basically just told me he is literally not going to discuss it, but step son keeps bringing it up and pushing for answers. Add onto that that my husband really is the type to assume that we will be able to leave a stadium with 2000 and catch an uber to the airport with no issues. So I appreciate the outside viewpoints. At the end of the day, of course I can stay here. It's what my daughter does that's the issue. She and her brother are really close and I hate that he's also pressuring her |
Anonymous
| You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school. |
Anonymous
Yes. I was at his high school graduating (crying mess because that's me) and his college (sweating mess because that was another shadeless stadium event in the Deep South!) |
Anonymous
Of course she should favor her daughter, over her stepson. What? |
Anonymous
Since when is there a quota on how many graduations you attend for someone? That’s insane. So if someone graduates from law school or medical school that is not as important bc you attended previous graduations? |
Anonymous
|
First you've got to realize that everyone has opinions and yours isn't more valid than anyone else's. For example, I think the reverse about graduations. The high school one doesn't count at all in my eyes, and the graduation that counts the most is the last one: so either Bachelor's, Master's or PhD, depending on the person.
Second, it IS impossible for your daughter to attend her brother's graduation. In no rational world should she sacrifice a night of sleep to make it work! Therefore, you need to split up: his father attends his graduation, and you attend your daughter's. This is what needs to be done in such situations, out of respect for both children. |
Anonymous
Children of the family should be treated equally even if stepkids otherwise you will reap what you sow |
Anonymous
He's making this a test. He wants to make sure he "wins" over sister. He shouldn't. I'd help every other family member, everyone he would like to come (only if they want), help them with their travel plans. Try your best to make the big celebration he wants (as long as they want). Also, make your and DD's travel arrangements to come too, hoping for the best. If it doesn't happen due to flight problems, it doesn't happen. But you should do the travel planning for it to work -- even if it's exhausting. Even if it's expensive. |
Anonymous
|
OP here. I very much want to treat both kids fairly. I included the info about older kid being a stepson and my personal feelings about graduations, as they may inform my biases. But, at the end of the day, if it weren't logistically on the edge, of course we'd attend both.
I also agree the terminal degree is the most important, and the accomplishment should be celebrated hugely, but, yeah, I feel like as far as a ceremony goes, high school graduation really is a marker of the edge of childhood and a whole new stage of life. Grad school graduation (as in, someone handing me a diploma) didn't mean much at all. Just my opinion. |
Anonymous
| Give your daughter some agency here. Why can't she tell him that she doesn't want to risk missing her own graduation and/or wants to be with her friends in the days before? It's not an argument she can lose. |
Anonymous
|
This isn’t just a high school graduation — it’s your baby’s transition into adulthood and a major life milestone before leaving home. That matters. You don’t want her to feel like her feelings come second to your husband’s son. People often talk about stepchildren being treated unfairly, but biological children often feel overlooked when parents focus so heavily on proving they treat stepchildren equally. Your stepson is already an adult who has experienced multiple graduations, while your daughter is still a teenager going through her first milestone. It also comes across as though he’s competing for attention from his own teenage sister’s mother, very odd.
|