Graduation Dilemma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The girl can’t risk missing her own graduation, so mom and daughter stay home. Dad can travel to his son’s graduation, enjoy the festivities, and skip out early to make the flight home.

This. It’s the only solution. Sometimes there isn’t a perfect answer and everyone doesn’t get exactly what they want. He is in his mid to late twenties, right? He should understand this.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him the plan and then tell him to drop it. You stay with DD so she can go to baccalaureate, parties, and events. Tell him this is her first major life event and she needs to experience the whole weekend. If appropriate, remind him of his experience for HS and college grad weekends. DH should go, he is his father and they have a relationship, and he should fly back for DD graduation. Make a plan to celebrate his graduation another week. I would also do this while giving him a present and stating how proud you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Agreed. High school graduation is not an accomplishment unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances. Tell your daughter she may need to sacrifice some of her graduation festivities. Warn her now so she has time to process this. It's part of being there for family. She'll get her turn in the spotlight when she finishes college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Agreed. High school graduation is not an accomplishment unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances. Tell your daughter she may need to sacrifice some of her graduation festivities. Warn her now so she has time to process this. It's part of being there for family. She'll get her turn in the spotlight when she finishes college.

It's not an accomplishment any more but the major purpose it serves is a rite of passage. The government formally relinquishes control of your time and destiny. It is close in time to your legal adulthood. And as someone pointed out, the grad usually has a much longer acquaintance with other honorees. And it's a "first". I thought all my graduations were sub-par but high school was the most critical.

A PhD graduation might come close but more for the student and anyone who supported them at close range, like a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Agreed. High school graduation is not an accomplishment unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances. Tell your daughter she may need to sacrifice some of her graduation festivities. Warn her now so she has time to process this. It's part of being there for family. She'll get her turn in the spotlight when she finishes college.

Oh hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Agreed. High school graduation is not an accomplishment unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances. Tell your daughter she may need to sacrifice some of her graduation festivities. Warn her now so she has time to process this. It's part of being there for family. She'll get her turn in the spotlight when she finishes college.

Nope. A mother should never put her stepson over her own daughter. Only DCUM bitter ex-wives would suggest this.

[Anonymous]

Kids don’t stop needing to feel love and support because they grow up. HS graduation is a big deal and I’d never want to miss it. But a graduate school graduation is also a big deal. While the vast majority of us can expect our kids to graduate HS, graduate school means doing something that isn’t just expected. You definitely have a tight schedule but I don’t think it’s an insurmountable obstacle. Is there only the big all university ceremony or a smaller ceremony for his department? My kids attend UMD and they have the huge football stadium event but also individual graduations by college. For example, engineering has one. Business has one. If he has one of those, maybe it would be easier to attend that. If not, you can always come up beforehand to celebrate him in advance and fly home with your daughter before the ceremony while DH stays behind and flies out immediately after. I’m a huge stress ball who doesn’t enjoy flying so I understand that it just feels like overload but I’d still try to do what I can. For comparison sake, my sister doesn’t even blink when it comes to tight schedules. She will fly from one commitment to the next with just hours in between as a seasoned traveler. Just do your best but I would find some way to make him feel you value his accomplishment and his place in your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just favoring DD over stepson. I would try and do both. Grad school is a big deal, much more important than finishing high school.

Agreed. High school graduation is not an accomplishment unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances. Tell your daughter she may need to sacrifice some of her graduation festivities. Warn her now so she has time to process this. It's part of being there for family. She'll get her turn in the spotlight when she finishes college.

Grad School is so NOT a big deal. Not only have you had two commencements, you’re also old enough to recognize it as mere pomp and circumstance that it is. (FWIW I have my Master’s and could easily have skipped my last graduation ceremony) To a 17 or 18 year old graduating high school, that graduation is a BIG DEAL. The step son is being superrrr selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids don’t stop needing to feel love and support because they grow up. HS graduation is a big deal and I’d never want to miss it. But a graduate school graduation is also a big deal. While the vast majority of us can expect our kids to graduate HS, graduate school means doing something that isn’t just expected. You definitely have a tight schedule but I don’t think it’s an insurmountable obstacle. Is there only the big all university ceremony or a smaller ceremony for his department? My kids attend UMD and they have the huge football stadium event but also individual graduations by college. For example, engineering has one. Business has one. If he has one of those, maybe it would be easier to attend that. If not, you can always come up beforehand to celebrate him in advance and fly home with your daughter before the ceremony while DH stays behind and flies out immediately after. I’m a huge stress ball who doesn’t enjoy flying so I understand that it just feels like overload but I’d still try to do what I can. For comparison sake, my sister doesn’t even blink when it comes to tight schedules. She will fly from one commitment to the next with just hours in between as a seasoned traveler. Just do your best but I would find some way to make him feel you value his accomplishment and his place in your family.

OP again. I'm also a huge stress ball who doesn't enjoy flying, and I have a husband who feels like if you get to the airport gate before the door is literally closing on you, the airplane has won.

As I mentioned, we aren't in a great place right now, so I'm trying to let this conversation die for a while, as no one is being rational about it.

[Anonymous]

The posters saying to prioritize the terminal degree graduation -- how do you know one when you see it? Do you keep prioritizing that person and their degrees forever?

I've known people with second bachelor's, second master's, PhD after MD or JD or the other way around.

When the to-be-neglected celebrant is graduating high school, how do you know what their eventual terminal degree will be, in order to properly deprioritize their current achievement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Who knows how this will go, but I appreciate the first two responses.

My husband and I aren't in a great place right now. So he basically just told me he is literally not going to discuss it, but step son keeps bringing it up and pushing for answers.

Add onto that that my husband really is the type to assume that we will be able to leave a stadium with 2000 and catch an uber to the airport with no issues.

So I appreciate the outside viewpoints.

At the end of the day, of course I can stay here. It's what my daughter does that's the issue. She and her brother are really close and I hate that he's also pressuring her

Couple things here - tell your stepson you are tabling the issue until at least 6 months out and schedules are logistics are more solid. Repeat as much as necessary.

Tell your daughter the same and if need be, you and husband should step in and tell stepson to knock it off. He sounds kind of selfish and obtuse. If they are really close and he cares about her he should be able to have some empathy towards her, not to mention maturity that HS graduation is really a big deal for most kids!

[Anonymous]

He’s making it abundantly clear this is important to him. You have to find a way to recognize his graduation if you want to maintain that relationship.

Everyone goes out Friday/Saturday, skip the main graduation and come home noon Sunday?

Everyone goes Friday/saturday, mom and daughter come home early and dad plays roulette to make the late flight?

Only dad goes, but you plan a massive celebration for him after the fact, like a vacation or a party or whatever he’d like?

You cannot tell him to suck it up and hope he’ll get over it. Maybe it’s dumb to care so much about grad school commencement (I skipped mine entirely!) but for whatever reason, he does care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Who knows how this will go, but I appreciate the first two responses.

My husband and I aren't in a great place right now. So he basically just told me he is literally not going to discuss it, but step son keeps bringing it up and pushing for answers.

Add onto that that my husband really is the type to assume that we will be able to leave a stadium with 2000 and catch an uber to the airport with no issues.

So I appreciate the outside viewpoints.

At the end of the day, of course I can stay here. It's what my daughter does that's the issue. She and her brother are really close and I hate that he's also pressuring her

Couple things here - tell your stepson you are tabling the issue until at least 6 months out and schedules are logistics are more solid. Repeat as much as necessary.

Tell your daughter the same and if need be, you and husband should step in and tell stepson to knock it off. He sounds kind of selfish and obtuse. If they are really close and he cares about her he should be able to have some empathy towards her, not to mention maturity that HS graduation is really a big deal for most kids!

That should be "schedules and logistics"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids don’t stop needing to feel love and support because they grow up. HS graduation is a big deal and I’d never want to miss it. But a graduate school graduation is also a big deal. While the vast majority of us can expect our kids to graduate HS, graduate school means doing something that isn’t just expected. You definitely have a tight schedule but I don’t think it’s an insurmountable obstacle. Is there only the big all university ceremony or a smaller ceremony for his department? My kids attend UMD and they have the huge football stadium event but also individual graduations by college. For example, engineering has one. Business has one. If he has one of those, maybe it would be easier to attend that. If not, you can always come up beforehand to celebrate him in advance and fly home with your daughter before the ceremony while DH stays behind and flies out immediately after. I’m a huge stress ball who doesn’t enjoy flying so I understand that it just feels like overload but I’d still try to do what I can. For comparison sake, my sister doesn’t even blink when it comes to tight schedules. She will fly from one commitment to the next with just hours in between as a seasoned traveler. Just do your best but I would find some way to make him feel you value his accomplishment and his place in your family.

Respectfully, this means nothing if your flight is cancelled.

[Anonymous]

27 yr old wants to prevent an 18 yr old from enjoying graduation weekend time with friends to watch someone hand him a diploma folder after boring speeches?

Don’t let him take the 18 yr old out of active participation in her life and her achievements to passively observe!!!