Menodivorce. It's a thing, apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This should surprise no one who understands biology and also that many men do not understnad biology.

This is a little unfair to men, in that I don’t think anyone fully understands just how much hormones play a major role in relationships. Yes, one can be expected to anticipate declines in libido and other physical changes associated with variations in hormone levels. But I don’t think anyone can really be charged with expecting that such changes can lead to “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” notwithstanding even a reasonably good relationship prior to menopause, which seems to happen at least in some cases. Nobody’s expecting *that*.

Well, if men spent any time reading about relationships or menopause, they would figure this out pretty quick. There are a million and one hits on google they could find with women talking about being “done” at age 50. They are actually probably being willfully blind if they are not seeing this. I’m not saying that they should expect divorce but they should be prepared for a potential change in attitude.

I’m the person who said I won’t divorce my ADHD husband, and I think we are navigating this pretty well. But that is likely because I’m incredibly frank. My executive functioning is not as good as it was. So I joke around and say “oh no, now that my executive functioning sucks, what are we going to do?” I’ve told him he has to cut me slack on this and he does. Just like I’ve cut him some slack for 20 years. He is doing more of the physical labor with our disabled child, because it is much more difficult for me now that she is a teen. Im doing all the homework support with our non-disabled child (or at least less disabled she has ADHD and incredible slow processing), which is a part time job for me.

We both understand that we are both doing the best we can. But not all couples can give each other the benefit of the doubt most of the time. I actually read a research study that showed that long time married couples seem to default to assuming the best of intents to the spouse. We strive for this and (generally) achieve it.

Well, from the man’s perspective, when you read about women who are done with their useless man-child husbands at age 50—and you are not yourself a man-child husband and you pull your weight in the marriage and then some—you’re not really on notice that she might just be “done” with you anyway from reading that sort of article.

I think that's why the post said "many" not all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This should surprise no one who understands biology and also that many men do not understnad biology.

This is a little unfair to men, in that I don’t think anyone fully understands just how much hormones play a major role in relationships. Yes, one can be expected to anticipate declines in libido and other physical changes associated with variations in hormone levels. But I don’t think anyone can really be charged with expecting that such changes can lead to “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” notwithstanding even a reasonably good relationship prior to menopause, which seems to happen at least in some cases. Nobody’s expecting *that*.

Well, if men spent any time reading about relationships or menopause, they would figure this out pretty quick. There are a million and one hits on google they could find with women talking about being “done” at age 50. They are actually probably being willfully blind if they are not seeing this. I’m not saying that they should expect divorce but they should be prepared for a potential change in attitude.

I’m the person who said I won’t divorce my ADHD husband, and I think we are navigating this pretty well. But that is likely because I’m incredibly frank. My executive functioning is not as good as it was. So I joke around and say “oh no, now that my executive functioning sucks, what are we going to do?” I’ve told him he has to cut me slack on this and he does. Just like I’ve cut him some slack for 20 years. He is doing more of the physical labor with our disabled child, because it is much more difficult for me now that she is a teen. Im doing all the homework support with our non-disabled child (or at least less disabled she has ADHD and incredible slow processing), which is a part time job for me.

We both understand that we are both doing the best we can. But not all couples can give each other the benefit of the doubt most of the time. I actually read a research study that showed that long time married couples seem to default to assuming the best of intents to the spouse. We strive for this and (generally) achieve it.

Well, from the man’s perspective, when you read about women who are done with their useless man-child husbands at age 50—and you are not yourself a man-child husband and you pull your weight in the marriage and then some—you’re not really on notice that she might just be “done” with you anyway from reading that sort of article.

You sound like one of those men who cook literally one meal a week then claim to do “all the cooking”. Or they do one load of laundry (out of 5) and have done “all the laundry”. I wish life were like this for women - a woman cleans one clogged toilet and does “all the plumbing” or the equivalent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This should surprise no one who understands biology and also that many men do not understnad biology.

This is a little unfair to men, in that I don’t think anyone fully understands just how much hormones play a major role in relationships. Yes, one can be expected to anticipate declines in libido and other physical changes associated with variations in hormone levels. But I don’t think anyone can really be charged with expecting that such changes can lead to “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” notwithstanding even a reasonably good relationship prior to menopause, which seems to happen at least in some cases. Nobody’s expecting *that*.

Well, if men spent any time reading about relationships or menopause, they would figure this out pretty quick. There are a million and one hits on google they could find with women talking about being “done” at age 50. They are actually probably being willfully blind if they are not seeing this. I’m not saying that they should expect divorce but they should be prepared for a potential change in attitude.

I’m the person who said I won’t divorce my ADHD husband, and I think we are navigating this pretty well. But that is likely because I’m incredibly frank. My executive functioning is not as good as it was. So I joke around and say “oh no, now that my executive functioning sucks, what are we going to do?” I’ve told him he has to cut me slack on this and he does. Just like I’ve cut him some slack for 20 years. He is doing more of the physical labor with our disabled child, because it is much more difficult for me now that she is a teen. Im doing all the homework support with our non-disabled child (or at least less disabled she has ADHD and incredible slow processing), which is a part time job for me.

We both understand that we are both doing the best we can. But not all couples can give each other the benefit of the doubt most of the time. I actually read a research study that showed that long time married couples seem to default to assuming the best of intents to the spouse. We strive for this and (generally) achieve it.

Well, from the man’s perspective, when you read about women who are done with their useless man-child husbands at age 50—and you are not yourself a man-child husband and you pull your weight in the marriage and then some—you’re not really on notice that she might just be “done” with you anyway from reading that sort of article.

You sound like one of those men who cook literally one meal a week then claim to do “all the cooking”. Or they do one load of laundry (out of 5) and have done “all the laundry”. I wish life were like this for women - a woman cleans one clogged toilet and does “all the plumbing” or the equivalent.

You sound like a psycho.

[Anonymous]

When men reach this point, it is a "midlife crisis" and the men are scumbags for leaving the DW. When women do this, they are just empowered ladies who deserve to be free of the DH.

The truth is that changing hormones affects relationships for men and women. People get more stuck in their ways, less flexible, more irritable, more tired, less patient, and less likely to overlook negatives.

None of this is new or particularly interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This should surprise no one who understands biology and also that many men do not understnad biology.

This is a little unfair to men, in that I don’t think anyone fully understands just how much hormones play a major role in relationships. Yes, one can be expected to anticipate declines in libido and other physical changes associated with variations in hormone levels. But I don’t think anyone can really be charged with expecting that such changes can lead to “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” notwithstanding even a reasonably good relationship prior to menopause, which seems to happen at least in some cases. Nobody’s expecting *that*.

Well, if men spent any time reading about relationships or menopause, they would figure this out pretty quick. There are a million and one hits on google they could find with women talking about being “done” at age 50. They are actually probably being willfully blind if they are not seeing this. I’m not saying that they should expect divorce but they should be prepared for a potential change in attitude.

I’m the person who said I won’t divorce my ADHD husband, and I think we are navigating this pretty well. But that is likely because I’m incredibly frank. My executive functioning is not as good as it was. So I joke around and say “oh no, now that my executive functioning sucks, what are we going to do?” I’ve told him he has to cut me slack on this and he does. Just like I’ve cut him some slack for 20 years. He is doing more of the physical labor with our disabled child, because it is much more difficult for me now that she is a teen. Im doing all the homework support with our non-disabled child (or at least less disabled she has ADHD and incredible slow processing), which is a part time job for me.

We both understand that we are both doing the best we can. But not all couples can give each other the benefit of the doubt most of the time. I actually read a research study that showed that long time married couples seem to default to assuming the best of intents to the spouse. We strive for this and (generally) achieve it.

Well, from the man’s perspective, when you read about women who are done with their useless man-child husbands at age 50—and you are not yourself a man-child husband and you pull your weight in the marriage and then some—you’re not really on notice that she might just be “done” with you anyway from reading that sort of article.

You sound like one of those men who cook literally one meal a week then claim to do “all the cooking”. Or they do one load of laundry (out of 5) and have done “all the laundry”. I wish life were like this for women - a woman cleans one clogged toilet and does “all the plumbing” or the equivalent.

You sound like a psycho.

It's the hormonal changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This should surprise no one who understands biology and also that many men do not understnad biology.

This is a little unfair to men, in that I don’t think anyone fully understands just how much hormones play a major role in relationships. Yes, one can be expected to anticipate declines in libido and other physical changes associated with variations in hormone levels. But I don’t think anyone can really be charged with expecting that such changes can lead to “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” notwithstanding even a reasonably good relationship prior to menopause, which seems to happen at least in some cases. Nobody’s expecting *that*.

Well, if men spent any time reading about relationships or menopause, they would figure this out pretty quick. There are a million and one hits on google they could find with women talking about being “done” at age 50. They are actually probably being willfully blind if they are not seeing this. I’m not saying that they should expect divorce but they should be prepared for a potential change in attitude.

I’m the person who said I won’t divorce my ADHD husband, and I think we are navigating this pretty well. But that is likely because I’m incredibly frank. My executive functioning is not as good as it was. So I joke around and say “oh no, now that my executive functioning sucks, what are we going to do?” I’ve told him he has to cut me slack on this and he does. Just like I’ve cut him some slack for 20 years. He is doing more of the physical labor with our disabled child, because it is much more difficult for me now that she is a teen. Im doing all the homework support with our non-disabled child (or at least less disabled she has ADHD and incredible slow processing), which is a part time job for me.

We both understand that we are both doing the best we can. But not all couples can give each other the benefit of the doubt most of the time. I actually read a research study that showed that long time married couples seem to default to assuming the best of intents to the spouse. We strive for this and (generally) achieve it.

Well, from the man’s perspective, when you read about women who are done with their useless man-child husbands at age 50—and you are not yourself a man-child husband and you pull your weight in the marriage and then some—you’re not really on notice that she might just be “done” with you anyway from reading that sort of article.

You sound like one of those men who cook literally one meal a week then claim to do “all the cooking”. Or they do one load of laundry (out of 5) and have done “all the laundry”. I wish life were like this for women - a woman cleans one clogged toilet and does “all the plumbing” or the equivalent.

You sound like a psycho.

Yep. Insisting “All women” >> “All men” based on your own personal experience is naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I have no plans to divorce and love my husband very much. But my attitude has changed with menopause. My big example is that I’m just not willing to be the ringleader of the troops to get us places on time. I’m tired, really tired.

Example — He has ADHD and is time blind. I’ve spent years running around to get myself and two kids ready to be able to get places on time. I just can’t do it anymore. I need to sleep in later. I need to not be so crazed. So, a few days ago we were 30 minutes late to meet his family for lunch. He was losing his mind rushing around the house when he realized I hadn’t just taken care of everything. I just… didn’t care. Hilariously, Since his whole family doesn’t care about time management, they were all 20-30 minutes late as well.

But we won’t divorce. He is an amazing husband and father. We will just be late for stuff. Oh well.

You are in denial. This isn’t a healthy relationship. Your children will feel it. You are modeling the wrong behavior. You should seek therapy or counseling. Divorce if it doesn’t work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This should surprise no one who understands biology and also that many men do not understnad biology.

This is a little unfair to men, in that I don’t think anyone fully understands just how much hormones play a major role in relationships. Yes, one can be expected to anticipate declines in libido and other physical changes associated with variations in hormone levels. But I don’t think anyone can really be charged with expecting that such changes can lead to “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” notwithstanding even a reasonably good relationship prior to menopause, which seems to happen at least in some cases. Nobody’s expecting *that*.

Well, if men spent any time reading about relationships or menopause, they would figure this out pretty quick. There are a million and one hits on google they could find with women talking about being “done” at age 50. They are actually probably being willfully blind if they are not seeing this. I’m not saying that they should expect divorce but they should be prepared for a potential change in attitude.

I’m the person who said I won’t divorce my ADHD husband, and I think we are navigating this pretty well. But that is likely because I’m incredibly frank. My executive functioning is not as good as it was. So I joke around and say “oh no, now that my executive functioning sucks, what are we going to do?” I’ve told him he has to cut me slack on this and he does. Just like I’ve cut him some slack for 20 years. He is doing more of the physical labor with our disabled child, because it is much more difficult for me now that she is a teen. Im doing all the homework support with our non-disabled child (or at least less disabled she has ADHD and incredible slow processing), which is a part time job for me.

We both understand that we are both doing the best we can. But not all couples can give each other the benefit of the doubt most of the time. I actually read a research study that showed that long time married couples seem to default to assuming the best of intents to the spouse. We strive for this and (generally) achieve it.

Well, from the man’s perspective, when you read about women who are done with their useless man-child husbands at age 50—and you are not yourself a man-child husband and you pull your weight in the marriage and then some—you’re not really on notice that she might just be “done” with you anyway from reading that sort of article.

I think that's why the post said "many" not all.

I was merely responding to PP’s point where she said “no one who knows anything about biology should be surprised” when a menopausal woman is “done” with her otherwise-decent husband and to another PP’s point that even a good husband should be aware of the risk that his wife might just be “done” with him based on reading about 50-something walk-away wives or whatever. On that latter point, this can come as a surprise to decent guys because most of the writing on the point, as in this thread, talks about women getting rightfully sick of their slacker or ADHD husbands or whatever. Rightly or wrongly, most men believe that a history of loyalty and holding up their end of the bargain matters and are surprised to learn that, at least in some cases, hormonal changes make all that past irrelevant. Nobody’s fault when it does, of course, biology is what it is, but it does come as an unpleasant surprise in a lot of cases I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This should surprise no one who understands biology and also that many men do not understnad biology.

This is a little unfair to men, in that I don’t think anyone fully understands just how much hormones play a major role in relationships. Yes, one can be expected to anticipate declines in libido and other physical changes associated with variations in hormone levels. But I don’t think anyone can really be charged with expecting that such changes can lead to “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” notwithstanding even a reasonably good relationship prior to menopause, which seems to happen at least in some cases. Nobody’s expecting *that*.

That's not what happens.

Men don't understand biology and when their biology declines instead of accepting it they get a little blue pill.

When a woman's declines she is still expected to be the 20 year old hotty who does everything for their man. But they don't want to anymore and men can't just accept the change so it leads to lots of bad things... that leads to divorce.

Women want peace and quiet. they don't need needy men making their day complicated. It's not menopause that causes the divorce, it's their partners inability to accept the new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm too exhausted from relationships that take and take and take and don't provide emotional support.

+1. Women just want a real partner, not a warm body to share household chores.

In most relationships the definition of a real partner is skewed towards feeling happy instead of supportive through personal emotional turmoil. Good guys get left for dead, aholes get to play a role until they have to prove they are more than a facade. It’s never perfect, but we can always make it better if we let go of contempt, resentment and entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When men reach this point, it is a "midlife crisis" and the men are scumbags for leaving the DW. When women do this, they are just empowered ladies who deserve to be free of the DH.

The truth is that changing hormones affects relationships for men and women. People get more stuck in their ways, less flexible, more irritable, more tired, less patient, and less likely to overlook negatives.

None of this is new or particularly interesting.

These two things are not like another.

One is leaving abuse and one is the abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh and I are definitely bickering like never before. I'm nearing official menopause status and find I have less patience for his jokey attitude, which previously delighted me. He's getting grumpier and less patient/more offended when I'm moody. We will not divorce. In sane, calm moments, we acknowledge that this is a phase we will survive.

Your husband is getting grumpier and you prefer to stay in that abusive relationship? I don’t get it. I would have sent him the divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it makes a ton of sense. The women hitting menopause right now are squarely Gen X, raised in the Free to Be You and Me era and firmly expecting something "better" than what their parents had in terms of division of household labor.

But societal gender norms are strong, and this generation really isn't that much better (if at all) than their fathers when it comes to all of the tasks that keep a household running.

So, women are working FT and still carrying the bulk of the domestic load. No wonder they are burning out and deciding it would be better to be alone than remain in a marriage with a man who never really grew up.

Most GenXers are empty nesters by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I have no plans to divorce and love my husband very much. But my attitude has changed with menopause. My big example is that I’m just not willing to be the ringleader of the troops to get us places on time. I’m tired, really tired.

Example — He has ADHD and is time blind. I’ve spent years running around to get myself and two kids ready to be able to get places on time. I just can’t do it anymore. I need to sleep in later. I need to not be so crazed. So, a few days ago we were 30 minutes late to meet his family for lunch. He was losing his mind rushing around the house when he realized I hadn’t just taken care of everything. I just… didn’t care. Hilariously, Since his whole family doesn’t care about time management, they were all 20-30 minutes late as well.

But we won’t divorce. He is an amazing husband and father. We will just be late for stuff. Oh well.

You are in denial. This isn’t a healthy relationship. Your children will feel it. You are modeling the wrong behavior. You should seek therapy or counseling. Divorce if it doesn’t work out.

DP. It’s an absolutely healthy relationship. If it’s important for him to be on time for whatever, he needs to be proactive and ensure it happens. She is not his executive assistant or special needs para.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh and I are definitely bickering like never before. I'm nearing official menopause status and find I have less patience for his jokey attitude, which previously delighted me. He's getting grumpier and less patient/more offended when I'm moody. We will not divorce. In sane, calm moments, we acknowledge that this is a phase we will survive.

Your husband is getting grumpier and you prefer to stay in that abusive relationship? I don’t get it. I would have sent him the divorce papers.

He's not abusive. I think men go through hormonal changes, too. Man o pause, if you will.