Menodivorce. It's a thing, apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.vice.com/en/article/what-is-menodivorce-the-midlife-marital-crisis-no-one-talks-about/

So, when women hit that time, they are done with their menfolks.

After 15-20 years of parenting and maintain a home in spite of a deadweight ManChild, I’d agree: Time for Divorce.

ManChild can go find a new Mommy figure. Sans kids she won’t know what hit her until she actually has to rely on him for something.

It's hearing this... again, and again, and again, and again... that makes me realize that my husband suddenly announcing his intent to divorce (yes there was an AP) was maybe lucky for me, in that it freed me of about 15 years of this. Total crap for my kids though.

What has happened with the kids the last 10-15 years, after he hit the Easy Button and bailed on his first marriage and set of kids?

Stay tuned. I'm still in it (the separation/divorce stage) and my kids are young - I'm just trying to silver lining myself right now as a form of processing. So far it's been a combination of grief (big emotions/sadness) and annoying logistics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I have no plans to divorce and love my husband very much. But my attitude has changed with menopause. My big example is that I’m just not willing to be the ringleader of the troops to get us places on time. I’m tired, really tired.

Example — He has ADHD and is time blind. I’ve spent years running around to get myself and two kids ready to be able to get places on time. I just can’t do it anymore. I need to sleep in later. I need to not be so crazed. So, a few days ago we were 30 minutes late to meet his family for lunch. He was losing his mind rushing around the house when he realized I hadn’t just taken care of everything. I just… didn’t care. Hilariously, Since his whole family doesn’t care about time management, they were all 20-30 minutes late as well.

But we won’t divorce. He is an amazing husband and father. We will just be late for stuff. Oh well.

+1 this is absolutely my change in attitude with menopause. Just can't change people anymore. Oh well.

Yep, it's this. I love my DH and my young- and mid-20s DSs, but I have always been the family quarterback and i just don't want to do it anymore. Take care of your own stuff, as I have been doing my entire adult life.

What's more, I *can't* do it anymore. At 60, my mind is sharp and I'm very active, but I just don't have the energy or mental bandwidth that I did as a younger adult. I have a demanding, full-time job and elderly parents. And I would like some time to focus on my own interests, too.

In summary, I have no more ***s to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I have no plans to divorce and love my husband very much. But my attitude has changed with menopause. My big example is that I’m just not willing to be the ringleader of the troops to get us places on time. I’m tired, really tired.

Example — He has ADHD and is time blind. I’ve spent years running around to get myself and two kids ready to be able to get places on time. I just can’t do it anymore. I need to sleep in later. I need to not be so crazed. So, a few days ago we were 30 minutes late to meet his family for lunch. He was losing his mind rushing around the house when he realized I hadn’t just taken care of everything. I just… didn’t care. Hilariously, Since his whole family doesn’t care about time management, they were all 20-30 minutes late as well.

But we won’t divorce. He is an amazing husband and father. We will just be late for stuff. Oh well.

+1 this is absolutely my change in attitude with menopause. Just can't change people anymore. Oh well.

Yep, it's this. I love my DH and my young- and mid-20s DSs, but I have always been the family quarterback and i just don't want to do it anymore. Take care of your own stuff, as I have been doing my entire adult life.

What's more, I *can't* do it anymore. At 60, my mind is sharp and I'm very active, but I just don't have the energy or mental bandwidth that I did as a younger adult. I have a demanding, full-time job and elderly parents. And I would like some time to focus on my own interests, too.

In summary, I have no more ***s to give.

Meant to add: I have no plans to divorce, but unless you are in legit crisis or serious illness, I'm not coddling anyone anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I have no plans to divorce and love my husband very much. But my attitude has changed with menopause. My big example is that I’m just not willing to be the ringleader of the troops to get us places on time. I’m tired, really tired.

Example — He has ADHD and is time blind. I’ve spent years running around to get myself and two kids ready to be able to get places on time. I just can’t do it anymore. I need to sleep in later. I need to not be so crazed. So, a few days ago we were 30 minutes late to meet his family for lunch. He was losing his mind rushing around the house when he realized I hadn’t just taken care of everything. I just… didn’t care. Hilariously, Since his whole family doesn’t care about time management, they were all 20-30 minutes late as well.

But we won’t divorce. He is an amazing husband and father. We will just be late for stuff. Oh well.

+1 this is absolutely my change in attitude with menopause. Just can't change people anymore. Oh well.

Yep, it's this. I love my DH and my young- and mid-20s DSs, but I have always been the family quarterback and i just don't want to do it anymore. Take care of your own stuff, as I have been doing my entire adult life.

What's more, I *can't* do it anymore. At 60, my mind is sharp and I'm very active, but I just don't have the energy or mental bandwidth that I did as a younger adult. I have a demanding, full-time job and elderly parents. And I would like some time to focus on my own interests, too.

In summary, I have no more ***s to give.

That’s me at 55.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard for everyone when Mom starts matching energy, which is what happens when all the reproductive hormones that were encouraging mom to build a home and ignore all the crap disappear. Men can get really resentful when they have to do stuff, and it’s coming at a time when most women just refuse to care anymore.

This describes my marriage (still married). I have good overall energy due to HRT, but I just don't care anymore. I'm done being everyone's caretaker and rock. I'm taking care of myself now, and if it results in the end of my marriage, fine, maybe even great. DH and I don't actually have much in common anymore, other than kids. I have some remaining bucket-list travel that would be more fun to do with friends or solo than with DH. My kids need to learn to take care of themselves before they leave for college. I suppose if my spouse were a great partner to me, I'd feel differently, but they're not, so whatever. He'd probably leave me or cheat on me if I got sick. That summarizes marriage in midlife - whatever. Take it or leave it.

Unfortunately, this. The statistics on men honoring their vows to stand by their wives in both sickness and health are pretty horrible. I’ve been having some tough conversations with myself if my DH is the kind of guy to stand by and support me when I’m physically unable to make his life seamless anymore, or if he going to ditch me, take half of what I worked for (I’m the higher earner by far), and look for someone else to take care of him.

And if he’s not going to stand by me, whether I want to continue to invest time and resources into this relationship or simply cut my losses and invest in myself and the friendships I don’t have time to nurture now.

Sad thing is he is a “good guy” and a great dad, he just can’t stand not being the center of attention for long. I’m generally healthy now and very few things completely take me out, but when it has happened a handful of times over 20 years his support evaporated pretty fast. Think, playing video games and eating junk food all night so he has a “migraine” and can’t take care of the kids, while I’m forced to power through kids and chores with a 104 fever. I can only imagine how he’d handle something more chronic and debilitating like cancer.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting. I woke up to the uneven load/manchild situation I was in while I was in my 30s and my three kids were pretty young. I have family money so I was able to leave without much stress. My parents were almost happy for me. I am in a serious long distance relationship now (he has kids too) and it has been such a good situation - I have the emotional support and friendship of a partner but we have no pressure to merge families/homes/kids until they are all out of the house.

Looking back I think my exh really resented (and still does) the autonomy I had since I had my own resources. It has been 12 years since the divorce and the kids are almost all grown. He struggled for years after and his mom stepped in to keep house, etc for a while. Now he is remarried and it seems his wife (who I like) is much more suited to be a mom/wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard for everyone when Mom starts matching energy, which is what happens when all the reproductive hormones that were encouraging mom to build a home and ignore all the crap disappear. Men can get really resentful when they have to do stuff, and it’s coming at a time when most women just refuse to care anymore.

This describes my marriage (still married). I have good overall energy due to HRT, but I just don't care anymore. I'm done being everyone's caretaker and rock. I'm taking care of myself now, and if it results in the end of my marriage, fine, maybe even great. DH and I don't actually have much in common anymore, other than kids. I have some remaining bucket-list travel that would be more fun to do with friends or solo than with DH. My kids need to learn to take care of themselves before they leave for college. I suppose if my spouse were a great partner to me, I'd feel differently, but they're not, so whatever. He'd probably leave me or cheat on me if I got sick. That summarizes marriage in midlife - whatever. Take it or leave it.

Unfortunately, this. The statistics on men honoring their vows to stand by their wives in both sickness and health are pretty horrible. I’ve been having some tough conversations with myself if my DH is the kind of guy to stand by and support me when I’m physically unable to make his life seamless anymore, or if he going to ditch me, take half of what I worked for (I’m the higher earner by far), and look for someone else to take care of him.

And if he’s not going to stand by me, whether I want to continue to invest time and resources into this relationship or simply cut my losses and invest in myself and the friendships I don’t have time to nurture now.

Sad thing is he is a “good guy” and a great dad, he just can’t stand not being the center of attention for long. I’m generally healthy now and very few things completely take me out, but when it has happened a handful of times over 20 years his support evaporated pretty fast. Think, playing video games and eating junk food all night so he has a “migraine” and can’t take care of the kids, while I’m forced to power through kids and chores with a 104 fever. I can only imagine how he’d handle something more chronic and debilitating like cancer.

This is exactly why I’m leaving my husband. Every time I’ve even gone through something hard, he goes through something harder. He can’t stand to not have all the attention on him. When I am healthy and able to fully flatter and cater to him, he’s great. But, aging this isn’t enough and I’m not willing to invest more time into him when he’s made it clear he’s not going to be there for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard for everyone when Mom starts matching energy, which is what happens when all the reproductive hormones that were encouraging mom to build a home and ignore all the crap disappear. Men can get really resentful when they have to do stuff, and it’s coming at a time when most women just refuse to care anymore.

This describes my marriage (still married). I have good overall energy due to HRT, but I just don't care anymore. I'm done being everyone's caretaker and rock. I'm taking care of myself now, and if it results in the end of my marriage, fine, maybe even great. DH and I don't actually have much in common anymore, other than kids. I have some remaining bucket-list travel that would be more fun to do with friends or solo than with DH. My kids need to learn to take care of themselves before they leave for college. I suppose if my spouse were a great partner to me, I'd feel differently, but they're not, so whatever. He'd probably leave me or cheat on me if I got sick. That summarizes marriage in midlife - whatever. Take it or leave it.

Unfortunately, this. The statistics on men honoring their vows to stand by their wives in both sickness and health are pretty horrible. I’ve been having some tough conversations with myself if my DH is the kind of guy to stand by and support me when I’m physically unable to make his life seamless anymore, or if he going to ditch me, take half of what I worked for (I’m the higher earner by far), and look for someone else to take care of him.

And if he’s not going to stand by me, whether I want to continue to invest time and resources into this relationship or simply cut my losses and invest in myself and the friendships I don’t have time to nurture now.

Sad thing is he is a “good guy” and a great dad, he just can’t stand not being the center of attention for long. I’m generally healthy now and very few things completely take me out, but when it has happened a handful of times over 20 years his support evaporated pretty fast. Think, playing video games and eating junk food all night so he has a “migraine” and can’t take care of the kids, while I’m forced to power through kids and chores with a 104 fever. I can only imagine how he’d handle something more chronic and debilitating like cancer.

This is exactly why I’m leaving my husband. Every time I’ve even gone through something hard, he goes through something harder. He can’t stand to not have all the attention on him. When I am healthy and able to fully flatter and cater to him, he’s great. But, aging this isn’t enough and I’m not willing to invest more time into him when he’s made it clear he’s not going to be there for me.

Mine left me and it’s devastating but also a relief to know that I won’t have to care for him in his old age in a way he couldn’t manage when I had just given birth to his children or had difficult gynecological surgery or was hospitalized.

I’ll never forget him being bedridden after childbirth and begging him to heat up one of the freezer meals I’d stocked. It took him an hour because he ate his own dinner first since he “felt faint” and then “forgot”.

[Anonymous]

^me being bedridden, not him! (He just acted like he was the one who was!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was done with everyone during menopause, the white hot rage was real.

I literally went and looked at apartments because I was determined to move out and leave my crazy spouse and kids behind to fend for themselves. I also cried a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting. I woke up to the uneven load/manchild situation I was in while I was in my 30s and my three kids were pretty young. I have family money so I was able to leave without much stress. My parents were almost happy for me. I am in a serious long distance relationship now (he has kids too) and it has been such a good situation - I have the emotional support and friendship of a partner but we have no pressure to merge families/homes/kids until they are all out of the house.

Looking back I think my exh really resented (and still does) the autonomy I had since I had my own resources. It has been 12 years since the divorce and the kids are almost all grown. He struggled for years after and his mom stepped in to keep house, etc for a while. Now he is remarried and it seems his wife (who I like) is much more suited to be a mom/wife.

I am not saying this is true, but here is another opinion for you to consider-
You didn’t want or need him and treated him that way. He began immaturely acting the way he felt in the relationship, resented the fact that the woman he loved saw him as unimportant, unwanted and unworthy. Maybe your family money created the notion that he didn’t deserve what you could give him, if you desired to love him. What if all he wanted was to be needed by you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm too exhausted from relationships that take and take and take and don't provide emotional support.

+1. Women just want a real partner, not a warm body to share household chores.

This is how I feel. We went from young and in love (with minimal responsibilities) to focused on and devoted to the kids (he was/is a good dad) and now that they are teens I just feel like we are roommates who have sex. I love him and definitely won’t break up the family. He does care for the family financially and somewhat logistically but I don’t feel like he sees me emotionally or wants to have a deeper connection. He just wants me to act happy all the time and doesn’t care to understand why I am not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most Gen Xers are not empty nesters. I'm 50 and have a 17 and 14 yo at home, and a college kid.

You're among the youngest GenXers. MOST of us are empty nesters. You're an outlier.

I'm 54 and I have a 23 yo and a 21 yo. The 23 yo is launched. The 21 yo is a junior at VT. I'm an empty nester.

Just because you were a grannymommy doesn't make you typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most Gen Xers are not empty nesters. I'm 50 and have a 17 and 14 yo at home, and a college kid.

You're among the youngest GenXers. MOST of us are empty nesters. You're an outlier.

I'm 54 and I have a 23 yo and a 21 yo. The 23 yo is launched. The 21 yo is a junior at VT. I'm an empty nester.

Just because you were a grannymommy doesn't make you typical.

DP here. I’m a young Gen Xer (1980) and hardly a “grannymommy” (what a stupid word!) I had my kids at 28 and 31 and they are now 17 and 14. Non of my Gen X friends are empty nesters. Work on your math.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.vice.com/en/article/what-is-menodivorce-the-midlife-marital-crisis-no-one-talks-about/

So, when women hit that time, they are done with their menfolks.

After 15-20 years of parenting and maintain a home in spite of a deadweight ManChild, I’d agree: Time for Divorce.

ManChild can go find a new Mommy figure. Sans kids she won’t know what hit her until she actually has to rely on him for something.

It's hearing this... again, and again, and again, and again... that makes me realize that my husband suddenly announcing his intent to divorce (yes there was an AP) was maybe lucky for me, in that it freed me of about 15 years of this. Total crap for my kids though.

What has happened with the kids the last 10-15 years, after he hit the Easy Button and bailed on his first marriage and set of kids?

NP.
I can tell you what happened with my kids but I was lucky he dumped the AP.

He moved out and had to do everything himself including the dog he bought without consulting me. He realized it was hard. He finally figured out he was totally, completely and unbelievably wrong.

He has a nice house and a quiet humble girlfriend and he is going to have to work much longer than he wanted to.

He paid 1/2 of our portion of college. My kids are out of college and have a good relationship with him but realize he has issues.