Menodivorce. It's a thing, apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting. I woke up to the uneven load/manchild situation I was in while I was in my 30s and my three kids were pretty young. I have family money so I was able to leave without much stress. My parents were almost happy for me. I am in a serious long distance relationship now (he has kids too) and it has been such a good situation - I have the emotional support and friendship of a partner but we have no pressure to merge families/homes/kids until they are all out of the house.

Looking back I think my exh really resented (and still does) the autonomy I had since I had my own resources. It has been 12 years since the divorce and the kids are almost all grown. He struggled for years after and his mom stepped in to keep house, etc for a while. Now he is remarried and it seems his wife (who I like) is much more suited to be a mom/wife.

I am not saying this is true, but here is another opinion for you to consider-
You didn’t want or need him and treated him that way. He began immaturely acting the way he felt in the relationship, resented the fact that the woman he loved saw him as unimportant, unwanted and unworthy. Maybe your family money created the notion that he didn’t deserve what you could give him, if you desired to love him. What if all he wanted was to be needed by you?

DP here. My situation was the opposite. I very much craved and needed my husband emotionally and after you are let down enough times you stop needing someone. He thinks because he brings home a good paycheck and mows the lawn that that fulfills his duties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most Gen Xers are not empty nesters. I'm 50 and have a 17 and 14 yo at home, and a college kid.

You're among the youngest GenXers. MOST of us are empty nesters. You're an outlier.

I'm 54 and I have a 23 yo and a 21 yo. The 23 yo is launched. The 21 yo is a junior at VT. I'm an empty nester.

Just because you were a grannymommy doesn't make you typical.

DP here. I’m a young Gen Xer (1980) and hardly a “grannymommy” (what a stupid word!) I had my kids at 28 and 31 and they are now 17 and 14. Non of my Gen X friends are empty nesters. Work on your math.

Assuming a median GenX age of about 53, an average age of last birth when a woman is 31, and children leaving the house at age 18, you'd expect most GenXers to have been empty nesters for four years or so. But it wouldn't be eyebrow raising for the youngest GenXers to have a 10 year old at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most Gen Xers are not empty nesters. I'm 50 and have a 17 and 14 yo at home, and a college kid.

You're among the youngest GenXers. MOST of us are empty nesters. You're an outlier.

I'm 54 and I have a 23 yo and a 21 yo. The 23 yo is launched. The 21 yo is a junior at VT. I'm an empty nester.

Just because you were a grannymommy doesn't make you typical.

DP here. I’m a young Gen Xer (1980) and hardly a “grannymommy” (what a stupid word!) I had my kids at 28 and 31 and they are now 17 and 14. Non of my Gen X friends are empty nesters. Work on your math.

Assuming a median GenX age of about 53, an average age of last birth when a woman is 31, and children leaving the house at age 18, you'd expect most GenXers to have been empty nesters for four years or so. But it wouldn't be eyebrow raising for the youngest GenXers to have a 10 year old at home.

The youngest Gen X are now 46/47, so could technically still have preschoolers or toddlers. But I also know late 50’s Gen X who are grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I get along with my DH but can’t handle the thought of post menopausal sex for another 30 years. And he really still wants sex all the time.

[Anonymous]

Fantastic OS would cure most of these complaints. If only men knew this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most Gen Xers are not empty nesters. I'm 50 and have a 17 and 14 yo at home, and a college kid.

You're among the youngest GenXers. MOST of us are empty nesters. You're an outlier.

I'm 54 and I have a 23 yo and a 21 yo. The 23 yo is launched. The 21 yo is a junior at VT. I'm an empty nester.

Just because you were a grannymommy doesn't make you typical.

NP. This was a completely obnoxious comment, but I did get a laugh at PP’s need to let us know that her child is at VT.

Back on topic, someone upthread said that all women want at this stage of life is peace and quiet. That is certainly very true for me most days, and I’m definitely dropping more ropes every year.

My DH is great, but he does tend to put the burden of thinking on me a lot of times. It used to drive me particularly crazy that, 100% of the time, he would ask me how long to microwave a thing for, even though he microwaved lunches and snacks for himself throughout childhood and I got my first microwave in my 20s. I have let go of the resentment and now amuse myself and our teen by giving him whatever number strikes my fancy that day. “Try 47 seconds, or a minute 10. Let me know how it turns out!”

[Anonymous]

I would just like DH to put as much thought and planning into our relationship as he does with his college friends and his fantasy sports pools.

Reminds me of that lady who made the news for dressing up as "grass" for Halloween one year so her husband would "pay as much attention to me as he pays to our lawn."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting. I woke up to the uneven load/manchild situation I was in while I was in my 30s and my three kids were pretty young. I have family money so I was able to leave without much stress. My parents were almost happy for me. I am in a serious long distance relationship now (he has kids too) and it has been such a good situation - I have the emotional support and friendship of a partner but we have no pressure to merge families/homes/kids until they are all out of the house.

Looking back I think my exh really resented (and still does) the autonomy I had since I had my own resources. It has been 12 years since the divorce and the kids are almost all grown. He struggled for years after and his mom stepped in to keep house, etc for a while. Now he is remarried and it seems his wife (who I like) is much more suited to be a mom/wife.

I am not saying this is true, but here is another opinion for you to consider-
You didn’t want or need him and treated him that way. He began immaturely acting the way he felt in the relationship, resented the fact that the woman he loved saw him as unimportant, unwanted and unworthy. Maybe your family money created the notion that he didn’t deserve what you could give him, if you desired to love him. What if all he wanted was to be needed by you?

Yeah, no. He had unlimited opportunities to meet needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fantastic OS would cure most of these complaints. If only men knew this.

Instead, women have to handle this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This should surprise no one who understands biology and also that many men do not understnad biology.

This is a little unfair to men, in that I don’t think anyone fully understands just how much hormones play a major role in relationships. Yes, one can be expected to anticipate declines in libido and other physical changes associated with variations in hormone levels. But I don’t think anyone can really be charged with expecting that such changes can lead to “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” notwithstanding even a reasonably good relationship prior to menopause, which seems to happen at least in some cases. Nobody’s expecting *that*.

Well, if men spent any time reading about relationships or menopause, they would figure this out pretty quick. There are a million and one hits on google they could find with women talking about being “done” at age 50. They are actually probably being willfully blind if they are not seeing this. I’m not saying that they should expect divorce but they should be prepared for a potential change in attitude.

I’m the person who said I won’t divorce my ADHD husband, and I think we are navigating this pretty well. But that is likely because I’m incredibly frank. My executive functioning is not as good as it was. So I joke around and say “oh no, now that my executive functioning sucks, what are we going to do?” I’ve told him he has to cut me slack on this and he does. Just like I’ve cut him some slack for 20 years. He is doing more of the physical labor with our disabled child, because it is much more difficult for me now that she is a teen. Im doing all the homework support with our non-disabled child (or at least less disabled she has ADHD and incredible slow processing), which is a part time job for me.

We both understand that we are both doing the best we can. But not all couples can give each other the benefit of the doubt most of the time. I actually read a research study that showed that long time married couples seem to default to assuming the best of intents to the spouse. We strive for this and (generally) achieve it.

Well, from the man’s perspective, when you read about women who are done with their useless man-child husbands at age 50—and you are not yourself a man-child husband and you pull your weight in the marriage and then some—you’re not really on notice that she might just be “done” with you anyway from reading that sort of article.

You sound like one of those men who cook literally one meal a week then claim to do “all the cooking”. Or they do one load of laundry (out of 5) and have done “all the laundry”. I wish life were like this for women - a woman cleans one clogged toilet and does “all the plumbing” or the equivalent.

You sound like a psycho.

It's the hormonal changes.

whatever it is, stay away. There are tons of ways women can help mellow it down for their families and blaming hormonal changes is not accountability. Men go through hormonal change, mainly testosterone and they are not allowed to blame it on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This should surprise no one who understands biology and also that many men do not understnad biology.

This is a little unfair to men, in that I don’t think anyone fully understands just how much hormones play a major role in relationships. Yes, one can be expected to anticipate declines in libido and other physical changes associated with variations in hormone levels. But I don’t think anyone can really be charged with expecting that such changes can lead to “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” notwithstanding even a reasonably good relationship prior to menopause, which seems to happen at least in some cases. Nobody’s expecting *that*.

Well, if men spent any time reading about relationships or menopause, they would figure this out pretty quick. There are a million and one hits on google they could find with women talking about being “done” at age 50. They are actually probably being willfully blind if they are not seeing this. I’m not saying that they should expect divorce but they should be prepared for a potential change in attitude.

I’m the person who said I won’t divorce my ADHD husband, and I think we are navigating this pretty well. But that is likely because I’m incredibly frank. My executive functioning is not as good as it was. So I joke around and say “oh no, now that my executive functioning sucks, what are we going to do?” I’ve told him he has to cut me slack on this and he does. Just like I’ve cut him some slack for 20 years. He is doing more of the physical labor with our disabled child, because it is much more difficult for me now that she is a teen. Im doing all the homework support with our non-disabled child (or at least less disabled she has ADHD and incredible slow processing), which is a part time job for me.

We both understand that we are both doing the best we can. But not all couples can give each other the benefit of the doubt most of the time. I actually read a research study that showed that long time married couples seem to default to assuming the best of intents to the spouse. We strive for this and (generally) achieve it.

Well, from the man’s perspective, when you read about women who are done with their useless man-child husbands at age 50—and you are not yourself a man-child husband and you pull your weight in the marriage and then some—you’re not really on notice that she might just be “done” with you anyway from reading that sort of article.

You sound like one of those men who cook literally one meal a week then claim to do “all the cooking”. Or they do one load of laundry (out of 5) and have done “all the laundry”. I wish life were like this for women - a woman cleans one clogged toilet and does “all the plumbing” or the equivalent.

You sound like a psycho.

It's the hormonal changes.

whatever it is, stay away. There are tons of ways women can help mellow it down for their families and blaming hormonal changes is not accountability. Men go through hormonal change, mainly testosterone and they are not allowed to blame it on that.

Well, it was “all in our heads” up until about 4 years ago, and the FDA only just removed the black box on HRT which remains contraindicated for many women. You can clean eat and rage exercise all you want but it’s still a massive life change from a state of potential fertility to a state of not, it’s not going to be seamless. Men do not go through anything remotely similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most Gen Xers are not empty nesters. I'm 50 and have a 17 and 14 yo at home, and a college kid.

You're among the youngest GenXers. MOST of us are empty nesters. You're an outlier.

I'm 54 and I have a 23 yo and a 21 yo. The 23 yo is launched. The 21 yo is a junior at VT. I'm an empty nester.

Just because you were a grannymommy doesn't make you typical.

DP here. I’m a young Gen Xer (1980) and hardly a “grannymommy” (what a stupid word!) I had my kids at 28 and 31 and they are now 17 and 14. Non of my Gen X friends are empty nesters. Work on your math.

Assuming a median GenX age of about 53, an average age of last birth when a woman is 31, and children leaving the house at age 18, you'd expect most GenXers to have been empty nesters for four years or so. But it wouldn't be eyebrow raising for the youngest GenXers to have a 10 year old at home.

Not in the DCUM demographic. Are you kidding? Non-Hispanic whites have their first baby a little after 28, while for Asians its after 31.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get along with my DH but can’t handle the thought of post menopausal sex for another 30 years. And he really still wants sex all the time.

How old are you guys? Late 40s was the worst for my wife and I. Her libido tanked while mine was still fairly high. Into our mid-50s, the disparity isn't great but it isn't as bad.

Anyway, everyone's different. But maybe there's hope that the disparity will narrow as you both age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm too exhausted from relationships that take and take and take and don't provide emotional support.

+1. Women just want a real partner, not a warm body to share household chores.

+1
Women just want a real partner, not another person who wants to be taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fantastic OS would cure most of these complaints. If only men knew this.

The capital "S" in "OS" had me thinking of operating systems. Clearly I'm not having enough "O"s.