Family estrangement

[Anonymous]

In old times if you moved to another continent, you never saw your family of origin again. People who spent holidays together lived in the same village/town. Nowadays it's quite common to live far apart due to jobs or studies or what not. Meaning there's already less contact every day and as time goes by, memories are created with other people, who live closer. It's also a lot of effort to pack up your family and go visit far away compared to running out of one house into another in a village.

[Anonymous]

Estrangement is a strong term. How about, dropping the rope. No invitations on either side. Is that estrangement or just inertia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In old times if you moved to another continent, you never saw your family of origin again. People who spent holidays together lived in the same village/town. Nowadays it's quite common to live far apart due to jobs or studies or what not. Meaning there's already less contact every day and as time goes by, memories are created with other people, who live closer. It's also a lot of effort to pack up your family and go visit far away compared to running out of one house into another in a village.

This. Nobody called my grandfather and his siblings estranged from the parents, but they all moved to another continent and that was the end.

Also, there were estrangements on both sides of my family and my husbands. You only called it that if they lived within an hour of eachother. If they lived farther, it was just the aunt you rarely saw.

I don't really know if it has become more common. I think there is now less shame and judgment more empathy toward the adult child than there used to be. I find women used to be more judgmental of this sort of thing, but now that enough women have spent plenty of time in the workplace, even if you never had an emotionally abusive parent or sibling, you probably have experienced an emotionally abusive boss or a coworker who undermines you every chance they get.

Also new stressors are pushing things to the brink. I wouldn't be surprised if more estrangements happened after Covid lockdown. Suddenly your challenging parent doesn't see any of her friends and she wants you to be her life and her number one way to manage stress is to throw tantrums and blame you for anything. Facebook/IG make the keeping up with the Jones' parent or sibling expect you to have more gatherings and pose for more fake happy photos when years ago those people might have accepted you weren't close and could only fake it once or twice a year. More people are getting cancer and autoimmune issues young. Many of us are stretched too thin between work, caregiving and our own ailments and we no longer have the bandwidth for dramas and nastiness. There are no reserves and if it's a choice between spending a holiday as a nuclear family or spending it in chaos you chose peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who are now grandparents are the last of a chain of people where there was a social expectation of women to do all of the work. They largely put in the effort with their parents and in laws but cannot expect the same back from their children/children in law. So they’re aggrieved and (the ones who are estranged) aren’t finding ways to deal with it.

Grandparents who are smart about this are using their money and time so that *no one* does the work. I have a ton of friends traveling to all-inclusives or cruises this holiday as treats from their parents or in laws. Special memories and no clean up.

This. My parents have no idea how a holiday gathering that did not involve them descending on our home with the expectation of elaborate dinners nor demand us to travel to my godforsaken boring-as-hell-and-hard-to-reach hometown in an expensive suburb without any hotels within 20 minutes would have helped our relationship with them-- tremendously. I watched my mother lose her sh*t every Christmas for years trying to please her parents, driving in traffic to her hometown in a major city, all because she had no idea what else to do nor had the strength to say no, we're taking the kids on a trip for once, see you for New Years. No DH and I refuse to no longer play ball not only because my parents are miserable and confrontational (FOX blaring in the background and political sniping at us because we're supposedly closet Commies according to them-- we want better memories for ourselves and our kids. We're about 90% estranged at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Estrangement is a strong term. How about, dropping the rope. No invitations on either side. Is that estrangement or just inertia?

That’s simply declining an invitation

[Anonymous]

People are less willing to coddle entitled relatives. I will not expose my kids to my toxic FIL or BIL.

We now have 2 types of people--those willing to do the hard work to break toxic family cycles versus those who just value superficial get togethers and eating while sweeping everything under the rug. The first camp of people are going to remove themselves eventually

[Anonymous]

More people are doing the work of therapy and learning to stand up against families of origin that actively harmed them. There comes a point when you have the strength to extricate yourself from the toxic dynamic. That's what you're seeing.

[Anonymous]

People are just more selfish these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are less willing to coddle entitled relatives. I will not expose my kids to my toxic FIL or BIL.

We now have 2 types of people--those willing to do the hard work to break toxic family cycles versus those who just value superficial get togethers and eating while sweeping everything under the rug. The first camp of people are going to remove themselves eventually

Only two? Can’t wait ‘till your kids get to the hard work part - karma is a witch.

[Anonymous]

There has always been estrangement. It just didn't have a therapeutic term and people didn't talk about it. I know my grandmother was estranged from a sister who lived fairly close by. She never talked about it or named it as such. People also moved away and it was a way to break ties, intentionally or not. I think of lots of families I knew growing up, they had relatives in other states they never saw or talked to. They were not close. I don't know if it was estrangement because again, people didn't share as much about their personal lives. They didn't even know what their parents felt about it. And also, people don't put up with abuse like they used to and feel more free to question assumptions like why they see people who actually treat them badly. This seems like a good thing.

[Anonymous]

The only increase is the increase of seeing it on social media. People have always had estrangements. It was so much easier back when you weren't connected 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Access to MRI brain scans that show the long-term impact that those less-than-perfect but well-meaning parents have on people. Whenever I start to question was it (abuse/neglect) really that bad—I look at the scan, and that’s enough to quiet the doubt. Brain imaging and data do not lie.

[Anonymous]

Estrangements are actually decreasing in my family due to treating mental illness and fewer people having children/having less of them. 3/4 of my grandparents were estranged from a parent, 1 out of 9 of my cousins is (and everyone else in the family is also estranged from his mom).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Access to MRI brain scans that show the long-term impact that those less-than-perfect but well-meaning parents have on people. Whenever I start to question was it (abuse/neglect) really that bad—I look at the scan, and that’s enough to quiet the doubt. Brain imaging and data do not lie.

Your parents claim to be "less than perfect but well meaning" but they actually abused and neglected you to the point where you needed a brain scan and that scan revealed this abuse/neglect?

[Anonymous]

Trumpism divides families