Family estrangement

[Anonymous]

I’m estranged from my sister. I knew she was always selfish, but it didn’t bother me until it did. So I told her so and now we don’t talk.

I’d prefer to be estranged from her kids as well, but haven’t pulled the trigger on that. She raised selfish kids and they aren’t really nice to mine - but maybe since they are young adults they will grow into their own. We will see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was recently reading something about how family estrangement has been rising. I notice it in my personal life too with a lot of people I know not seeing their families for the holidays. What do you think is driving this increase?

Social media has made it trendy, unfortunately. I know a lot of people have genuine trauma in their lives, but there has been explosion of influencers treating estrangement as some sort of celebratory thing. I get that people who are genuinely liberated probably have good reason to breathe easy, but the depiction of it as some sort of "cool thing to do" is also giving impressionable people this idea that families are disposable and that difficult familial relationships aren't worth the effort to save.

I saw a lot of this on Oprah's special, this sort of "I dare you to challenge me" chip on the shoulder who proclaimed themselves happily estranged. Social media, especially the Tik Tok, is not giving a nuanced picture of what estrangement looks like and downplays the pain that hast to lurk, even in the hearts of people who proclaim themselves happy. For some, I'm sure the relief is genuine. But I think for many, there's a state of denial and we're seeing a lot of carefully constructed fronts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Estrangement is a strong term. How about, dropping the rope. No invitations on either side. Is that estrangement or just inertia?

I think "estrangement" in this context refers to deliberate behavior, usually heralded by an assertive proclamation/announcement of intention. Often, it's viewed as a form of punishment by the person making the announcement, who often suffers from an undiagnosed and untreated personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Estrangement is a strong term. How about, dropping the rope. No invitations on either side. Is that estrangement or just inertia?

That’s simply declining an invitation

No invitation means no declining.

[Anonymous]

Once the parents pass away, there are only sibling and cousin relationships to maintain outside your nuclear family. If you don't make an attempt to stay in touch, is it estrangement or just busyness/apathy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once the parents pass away, there are only sibling and cousin relationships to maintain outside your nuclear family. If you don't make an attempt to stay in touch, is it estrangement or just busyness/apathy?

Estrangement usually involves an announcement or a proclamation.

[Anonymous]

I have no patience for snowflakes who can't deal with eccentric relatives who mean no harm. If you want people to tolerate you, you better tolerate others as well, because nobody is perfect.

Having said that, toxic relatives are for the birds. Toxic relatives seem to think you're obligated to tolerate their malice because blood is thicker than water. That's not how it works in today's world. You mess with me and you harm me, and it's part of a long standing rivalry thing you have with me, and in today's world, you're dead to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Access to MRI brain scans that show the long-term impact that those less-than-perfect but well-meaning parents have on people. Whenever I start to question was it (abuse/neglect) really that bad—I look at the scan, and that’s enough to quiet the doubt. Brain imaging and data do not lie.

Your parents claim to be "less than perfect but well meaning" but they actually abused and neglected you to the point where you needed a brain scan and that scan revealed this abuse/neglect?

Yes. Consider yourself among a subset of very fortunate humans if you cannot relate.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4760853/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12589315/

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-025-13363-y

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Access to MRI brain scans that show the long-term impact that those less-than-perfect but well-meaning parents have on people. Whenever I start to question was it (abuse/neglect) really that bad—I look at the scan, and that’s enough to quiet the doubt. Brain imaging and data do not lie.

Your parents claim to be "less than perfect but well meaning" but they actually abused and neglected you to the point where you needed a brain scan and that scan revealed this abuse/neglect?

Yes. Consider yourself among a subset of very fortunate humans if you cannot relate.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4760853/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12589315/

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-025-13363-y

I'm not asking about scientific studies in general. I am curious about your specific situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Access to MRI brain scans that show the long-term impact that those less-than-perfect but well-meaning parents have on people. Whenever I start to question was it (abuse/neglect) really that bad—I look at the scan, and that’s enough to quiet the doubt. Brain imaging and data do not lie.

Your parents claim to be "less than perfect but well meaning" but they actually abused and neglected you to the point where you needed a brain scan and that scan revealed this abuse/neglect?

Yes. Consider yourself among a subset of very fortunate humans if you cannot relate.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4760853/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12589315/

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-025-13363-y

Sorry, but most people don’t have brain damage due to poor relationships with their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was recently reading something about how family estrangement has been rising. I notice it in my personal life too with a lot of people I know not seeing their families for the holidays. What do you think is driving this increase?

1. People being empowered to end abusive relationships. That’s great.

2. People redefining things they don’t like as abuse or mental illness and using #1 to justify ending relationships. Not good.

3. People underestimating the value of familial support networks (illness, divorce, financial crisis) and therefore being more willing to use #2.

4. Long distances between families (people living all over the country), lessening the importance of #3.

5. Divorces, remarriages. Bad blood and awkwardness ensues.

6. Overall increase in people thinking only about their own happiness and “mental health”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Access to MRI brain scans that show the long-term impact that those less-than-perfect but well-meaning parents have on people. Whenever I start to question was it (abuse/neglect) really that bad—I look at the scan, and that’s enough to quiet the doubt. Brain imaging and data do not lie.

Your parents claim to be "less than perfect but well meaning" but they actually abused and neglected you to the point where you needed a brain scan and that scan revealed this abuse/neglect?

Yes. Consider yourself among a subset of very fortunate humans if you cannot relate.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4760853/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12589315/

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-025-13363-y

There is no responsible physician who would look at brain damage on your scan and attribute it to whatever “abuse” you suffered. There are too many factors and too much that is unknown about the brain. But one thing that has been proven to cause brain shrinkage is loneliness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People being selfish and people realizing that life is short and we aren’t bound by politeness anymore. The things that would have appalled my grandmother are commonplace now. You can’t treat me like crap and expect me to just take it anymore. Bye.

This. I finally started standing up for myself and will not tolerate being treated badly. And, when you come after my kids for no reason, I’m done.

+1

But with my sister. I hold my boundaries and won't be screamed at. No, thanks. She lies about me, but I don't care anymore. Anyone who knows me will see the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Access to MRI brain scans that show the long-term impact that those less-than-perfect but well-meaning parents have on people. Whenever I start to question was it (abuse/neglect) really that bad—I look at the scan, and that’s enough to quiet the doubt. Brain imaging and data do not lie.

I'm so sorry. What types of things do you see on the scan? I probably have it, too, due to abuse, which is why I am asking.

[Anonymous]

I am no contact with my entire family. I will never speak with any of them ever again. Evil behind closed doors is real. If you've experienced it, then you know what I mean.