Family estrangement

[Anonymous]

I was recently reading something about how family estrangement has been rising. I notice it in my personal life too with a lot of people I know not seeing their families for the holidays. What do you think is driving this increase?

[Anonymous]

1. People living longer
2. The political climate and ugliness of FOX News and MAGA
3. People being more aware of mental health and not tolerating toxic behavior
4. Facebook elders engaging in granny competitions, unrealistic expectations

[Anonymous]

The people who are now grandparents are the last of a chain of people where there was a social expectation of women to do all of the work. They largely put in the effort with their parents and in laws but cannot expect the same back from their children/children in law. So they’re aggrieved and (the ones who are estranged) aren’t finding ways to deal with it.

Grandparents who are smart about this are using their money and time so that *no one* does the work. I have a ton of friends traveling to all-inclusives or cruises this holiday as treats from their parents or in laws. Special memories and no clean up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. People living longer
2. The political climate and ugliness of FOX News and MAGA
3. People being more aware of mental health and not tolerating toxic behavior
4. Facebook elders engaging in granny competitions, unrealistic expectations

I feel like Im stuck between boomers and millennials who compete on social media.

[Anonymous]

People having more autonomy over their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People having more autonomy over their lives.

This.

[Anonymous]

People being selfish and people realizing that life is short and we aren’t bound by politeness anymore. The things that would have appalled my grandmother are commonplace now. You can’t treat me like crap and expect me to just take it anymore. Bye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People having more autonomy over their lives.

I would add that even the term is getting to be antiquated.
Estrangement was such a dire thing- like "elope" and "excommunicate" and "exile".
These days, those things are not so dire, and we just say "we're not that close or we are LC/NC".

It seems to have less ostracizing or pecuniary consequences.

So yes, more agency, less drama.

[Anonymous]

Year three is no contact w one of my parents.
Best decision ever.

[Anonymous]

of ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. People living longer
2. The political climate and ugliness of FOX News and MAGA
3. People being more aware of mental health and not tolerating toxic behavior
4. Facebook elders engaging in granny competitions, unrealistic expectations

For us, it’s #3. Especially as our children are getting older. They don’t need to think it’s normal to behave that way, and they shouldn’t have to feel the stress and anxious anticipation of that family member’s visit. We all dread their company, and that’s not fair, especially when they refuse to do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People being selfish and people realizing that life is short and we aren’t bound by politeness anymore. The things that would have appalled my grandmother are commonplace now. You can’t treat me like crap and expect me to just take it anymore. Bye.

This. I finally started standing up for myself and will not tolerate being treated badly. And, when you come after my kids for no reason, I’m done.

[Anonymous]

Social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. People living longer
2. The political climate and ugliness of FOX News and MAGA
3. People being more aware of mental health and not tolerating toxic behavior
4. Facebook elders engaging in granny competitions, unrealistic expectations

Some of this, yes, but also pop psychology/social media convincing people that if they aren’t totally comfortable/happy with a relationship, it’s ok or even preferable to cut off family members. Basically, lack of resiliency and tolerance for less-than-perfect relatives that past generations probably would have just tolerated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People having more autonomy over their lives.

I would add that even the term is getting to be antiquated.
Estrangement was such a dire thing- like "elope" and "excommunicate" and "exile".
These days, those things are not so dire, and we just say "we're not that close or we are LC/NC".

It seems to have less ostracizing or pecuniary consequences.

So yes, more agency, less drama.

I’d add that it wasn’t uncommon to go low contact with obnoxious relatives in the past but people didn’t use the term estrangement. They simply found other reasons to say why they weren’t visiting. Travel 40 years ago was more expensive and even long distance calls cost money so expectations were lower.