Family estrangement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once the parents pass away, there are only sibling and cousin relationships to maintain outside your nuclear family. If you don't make an attempt to stay in touch, is it estrangement or just busyness/apathy?

Estrangement usually involves an announcement or a proclamation.

Why does it have to involve an announcement or proclamation? I sure don't announce anything, why poke the bear. By all practical means, I'm estranged for sure. If I don't call, she doesn't call. So nobody calls. Or visits. Or interacts. It's like I don't exist if I don't reach out myself. My kids don't exist. I'm certain she blames me for everything, even though she hasn't had the slightest interest in my life at all. I literally just stopped putting in effort and that was that. I call that estrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was recently reading something about how family estrangement has been rising. I notice it in my personal life too with a lot of people I know not seeing their families for the holidays. What do you think is driving this increase?

Social media has made it trendy, unfortunately. I know a lot of people have genuine trauma in their lives, but there has been explosion of influencers treating estrangement as some sort of celebratory thing. I get that people who are genuinely liberated probably have good reason to breathe easy, but the depiction of it as some sort of "cool thing to do" is also giving impressionable people this idea that families are disposable and that difficult familial relationships aren't worth the effort to save.

I saw a lot of this on Oprah's special, this sort of "I dare you to challenge me" chip on the shoulder who proclaimed themselves happily estranged. Social media, especially the Tik Tok, is not giving a nuanced picture of what estrangement looks like and downplays the pain that hast to lurk, even in the hearts of people who proclaim themselves happy. For some, I'm sure the relief is genuine. But I think for many, there's a state of denial and we're seeing a lot of carefully constructed fronts.

I watched that same Oprah. You had the "I dare you to challenge me" chip. I got the sense the couple where the man went to Princeton and the woman had an ultra-religious family got a lot of therapy and tried to make things work. The woman whose mom abandoned has been through enough trauma-I felt bad that she was even conflicted about her choice. The hospice nurse tried for years to make things work with her dad. The woman who decided to be estranged from her son said he would threaten them and demand money or something like that. The only person who seemed like she had a chip on her shoulder to me was tattoo mom-who thought things were better when they got matching tattoos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once the parents pass away, there are only sibling and cousin relationships to maintain outside your nuclear family. If you don't make an attempt to stay in touch, is it estrangement or just busyness/apathy?

That's a good question. I would not call myself estranged from cousins, but we never see eachother. If there were a family event we'd chat and I'd enjoy seeing them, but so much was forced and there was a lot of dysfunction growing up, so I would not go out of my way. My brother and I are close due to choice and a good relationship. I only consider myself estranged from my sister because she suddenly decided she wanted to be close instead of faking things once a year at an event. There is a disturbing history and she just can't resist repeating patterns any time I even give her a chance. I also cannot listen to her dramas because many of them occur because of the same behavior she exhibited toward me my whole life. So, I had to actively distance. I cannot be her support. I think she is mean-spirited by nature, but I do wish her a good life despite that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are just more selfish these days.

Boomer parents sure are. Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are less willing to coddle entitled relatives. I will not expose my kids to my toxic FIL or BIL.

We now have 2 types of people--those willing to do the hard work to break toxic family cycles versus those who just value superficial get togethers and eating while sweeping everything under the rug. The first camp of people are going to remove themselves eventually

Only two? Can’t wait ‘till your kids get to the hard work part - karma is a witch.

DP, but “karma” is fiction. It’s just what people tell themselves that the people by whom they feel wronged will “get theirs.” It isn’t true.

[Anonymous]

My family are all criminals
My family are all maga
My family brother and sister are anti vax
Other sister is a sick insane individual who thinks she's is perfect but is not MAGA or anti vax just insane

All cut off some for many years last one just recently

Oh how good life is !

[Anonymous]

This year, after working with a therapist I finally informed my mom that I was not interested in having a relationship with my brother or toxic SIL (prior, she was constantly pushing me to visit them, meet their children, etc.) I told her of the hurtful things they’ve done to me and she was surprisingly understanding, although it does make her sad we don’t speak.

My perspective is I don’t need them; I have a sister I am very close to and won’t tolerate being disrespected or having to be around annoying people. It was very empowering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who are now grandparents are the last of a chain of people where there was a social expectation of women to do all of the work. They largely put in the effort with their parents and in laws but cannot expect the same back from their children/children in law. So they’re aggrieved and (the ones who are estranged) aren’t finding ways to deal with it.

Grandparents who are smart about this are using their money and time so that *no one* does the work. I have a ton of friends traveling to all-inclusives or cruises this holiday as treats from their parents or in laws. Special memories and no clean up.

ton of friends going to all inclusives or cruises??

hang around with many rich families?

obscene

[Anonymous]

Political and religious differences for my side of the family (they are evangelicals and Jesus this, Jesus that, and MAGA)

I kept some contact on social media for a while but I remember commenting that my cousin’s grandchild was a cutie, and she said, “when are you coming out to Kentucky to visit her in person ??!!” And had the distinct thought, “never. I’m never coming to visit you in Kentucky.” I don’t know any of those grandkids and they probably have no idea who I am.

I just don’t see the point.

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of relatives who are Trump voters.

They are also largely all going into financial distress right now. They are getting laid off. Their spouses are getting laid off. They’re “praying” on FB for Jesus to help with the bills and “any contribution helps!”

I’m “the successful one” in the family, to the point where I was the only one who even attended college.

Like a lot of people, I knew a long time ago that this was all going to be a giant S-Show and that I was not going to be their go-to cousin and bail them out of anything.

It might not have been what they wanted or could predict, but they definitely voted for it. Deleted my social media. I simply wash my hands of the heedless stupidity.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to be estranged to not see relatives for the holidays. We haven't for decades. It's always been the six of us and now 10 with spouses and grandchildren. We simply live to far away from my kids' grandparents and our siblings.

However, my estrangement from my narcissistic mother started in February and I've had peace in my life since. I should have done it years earlier, the moment she demanded loyalty from me to not have a relationship with my dad, who she divorced 50 years ago. I'll never allow that to happen in a personal relationship again.

Why people (including me) put up with this kind of thing for years because "family" is beyond me.

It's not a trend. It's an awakening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to be estranged to not see relatives for the holidays. We haven't for decades. It's always been the six of us and now 10 with spouses and grandchildren. We simply live to far away from my kids' grandparents and our siblings.

However, my estrangement from my narcissistic mother started in February and I've had peace in my life since. I should have done it years earlier, the moment she demanded loyalty from me to not have a relationship with my dad, who she divorced 50 years ago. I'll never allow that to happen in a personal relationship again.

Why people (including me) put up with this kind of thing for years because "family" is beyond me.

It's not a trend. It's an awakening.

The "awakening" thing is kind of spot on. I guess it's why there is so much hatred from one side for anything that looks "awakened" or "woke"

People aren't bad because they are gay. People aren't this way or that way as a group for being a different race and they aren't trying to change you or your kids.

The big book says honor thy father and thy mother ... that's just a wildly nebulous power structure edict regardless of whether your mother or father actually honor or ever honored you. I'm not going to "honor" my father if he liked to use the one bathroom we had in the house exactly when I was taking a shower and sit there on the throne reading a reader's digest until I tried to get out of the shower.

I just about got out of there 30+ years ago and never looked back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of relatives who are Trump voters.

They are also largely all going into financial distress right now. They are getting laid off. Their spouses are getting laid off. They’re “praying” on FB for Jesus to help with the bills and “any contribution helps!”

I’m “the successful one” in the family, to the point where I was the only one who even attended college.

Like a lot of people, I knew a long time ago that this was all going to be a giant S-Show and that I was not going to be their go-to cousin and bail them out of anything.

It might not have been what they wanted or could predict, but they definitely voted for it. Deleted my social media. I simply wash my hands of the heedless stupidity.

Good for you PP. I hope all their prayers pay the inflated Trump power bills from broligarch AI subsidies. And they will have the day they voted for. And you are blissfully detached.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who are now grandparents are the last of a chain of people where there was a social expectation of women to do all of the work. They largely put in the effort with their parents and in laws but cannot expect the same back from their children/children in law. So they’re aggrieved and (the ones who are estranged) aren’t finding ways to deal with it.

Grandparents who are smart about this are using their money and time so that *no one* does the work. I have a ton of friends traveling to all-inclusives or cruises this holiday as treats from their parents or in laws. Special memories and no clean up.

ton of friends going to all inclusives or cruises??

hang around with many rich families?

obscene

They’re not estranged from their kids and complaining on DCUM so there is that….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of relatives who are Trump voters.

They are also largely all going into financial distress right now. They are getting laid off. Their spouses are getting laid off. They’re “praying” on FB for Jesus to help with the bills and “any contribution helps!”

I’m “the successful one” in the family, to the point where I was the only one who even attended college.

Like a lot of people, I knew a long time ago that this was all going to be a giant S-Show and that I was not going to be their go-to cousin and bail them out of anything.

It might not have been what they wanted or could predict, but they definitely voted for it. Deleted my social media. I simply wash my hands of the heedless stupidity.

Good for you PP. I hope all their prayers pay the inflated Trump power bills from broligarch AI subsidies. And they will have the day they voted for. And you are blissfully detached.

What's so unsettling is that most of them have absolutely no comprehension of AI and what it means for them and life as they know it-- my MAGA relatives don't even understand what a data center is for. They just vote with emotion to "stick it to the libs" with no clue how much they're sticking it to themselves because they can't grasp what's going on with the broligarchs.