Family estrangement

[Anonymous]

When your siblings are doing the work to raise kids who know how to interact and be kind to those with special needs, it's time to take a step back

[Anonymous]

People have no sense of connection with or obligation to anyone anymore. I think people are dead inside from all the violence we see every day, day in day out in the media, TV shows, tv ads, movies, etc. Plus a lot of adults now were raised in daycare where no one who took care of them loved them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who are now grandparents are the last of a chain of people where there was a social expectation of women to do all of the work. They largely put in the effort with their parents and in laws but cannot expect the same back from their children/children in law. So they’re aggrieved and (the ones who are estranged) aren’t finding ways to deal with it.

Grandparents who are smart about this are using their money and time so that *no one* does the work. I have a ton of friends traveling to all-inclusives or cruises this holiday as treats from their parents or in laws. Special memories and no clean up.

Shouldn't the parents and adult children take turns paying for the vacations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who are now grandparents are the last of a chain of people where there was a social expectation of women to do all of the work. They largely put in the effort with their parents and in laws but cannot expect the same back from their children/children in law. So they’re aggrieved and (the ones who are estranged) aren’t finding ways to deal with it.

Grandparents who are smart about this are using their money and time so that *no one* does the work. I have a ton of friends traveling to all-inclusives or cruises this holiday as treats from their parents or in laws. Special memories and no clean up.

Shouldn't the parents and adult children take turns paying for the vacations?

Are the adult children losers?

[Anonymous]

For me it was sexual abuse and the way my family reacted when I disclosed it (parent is still married to the person who did it and claimed not to remember). The way my parent reacted isn't something I can be around even if I tried so hard to make it work.
I hate that I am lumped in with "less legitimate" cases, including by the parent who didn't abuse me, although it doesn't mean those other cases aren't legit.

[Anonymous]

Setting boundaries

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it was sexual abuse and the way my family reacted when I disclosed it (parent is still married to the person who did it and claimed not to remember). The way my parent reacted isn't something I can be around even if I tried so hard to make it work.
I hate that I am lumped in with "less legitimate" cases, including by the parent who didn't abuse me, although it doesn't mean those other cases aren't legit.

My mother did this my entire life but she wasnt married to him and he died. I've finally come to the conclusion that she can't see herself as a bad parent and so makes up stories when uncomfortable. You can't change people. I spend some minimal time with her because I want my kids to see that we can forgive and be the bigger person and take care of the elderly. I've just turned it into something I want to do for myself rather than her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it was sexual abuse and the way my family reacted when I disclosed it (parent is still married to the person who did it and claimed not to remember). The way my parent reacted isn't something I can be around even if I tried so hard to make it work.
I hate that I am lumped in with "less legitimate" cases, including by the parent who didn't abuse me, although it doesn't mean those other cases aren't legit.

My mother did this my entire life but she wasnt married to him and he died. I've finally come to the conclusion that she can't see herself as a bad parent and so makes up stories when uncomfortable. You can't change people. I spend some minimal time with her because I want my kids to see that we can forgive and be the bigger person and take care of the elderly. I've just turned it into something I want to do for myself rather than her.

Thank you for sharing
Yeah, maybe I will get there
I just can't remain in contact for now while she is still sleeping next to someone who sexually abused me and my kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have no sense of connection with or obligation to anyone anymore. I think people are dead inside from all the violence we see every day, day in day out in the media, TV shows, tv ads, movies, etc. Plus a lot of adults now were raised in daycare where no one who took care of them loved them.

+1 This is my take as well. I would also include an increase in mental illness due to several factors. Mental illness can even be manifesting itself as an inability to have healthy connections and attachments, less empathy, more narcissistic traits, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have no sense of connection with or obligation to anyone anymore. I think people are dead inside from all the violence we see every day, day in day out in the media, TV shows, tv ads, movies, etc. Plus a lot of adults now were raised in daycare where no one who took care of them loved them.

+1 This is my take as well. I would also include an increase in mental illness due to several factors. Mental illness can even be manifesting itself as an inability to have healthy connections and attachments, less empathy, more narcissistic traits, etc.

The older generations did not seek therapy. They best they sought out often was their local priest, or they talked their friends to death about their problems. But they never really got help and expected their kids to just "take it" because it's family. GenX and younger do not view seeing a counselor as a failure or embarrassment to yourself and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have no sense of connection with or obligation to anyone anymore. I think people are dead inside from all the violence we see every day, day in day out in the media, TV shows, tv ads, movies, etc. Plus a lot of adults now were raised in daycare where no one who took care of them loved them.

+1 This is my take as well. I would also include an increase in mental illness due to several factors. Mental illness can even be manifesting itself as an inability to have healthy connections and attachments, less empathy, more narcissistic traits, etc.

The older generations did not seek therapy. They best they sought out often was their local priest, or they talked their friends to death about their problems. But they never really got help and expected their kids to just "take it" because it's family. GenX and younger do not view seeing a counselor as a failure or embarrassment to yourself and your family.

And yet they turned out more messed up. One sad but objective measure - the suicides - keeps increasing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have no sense of connection with or obligation to anyone anymore. I think people are dead inside from all the violence we see every day, day in day out in the media, TV shows, tv ads, movies, etc. Plus a lot of adults now were raised in daycare where no one who took care of them loved them.

I grew up without a tv or social media (this was decades ago) and was never in daycare. However, my mom is a professional grudge holder and narcissist. I’m done w her crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have no sense of connection with or obligation to anyone anymore. I think people are dead inside from all the violence we see every day, day in day out in the media, TV shows, tv ads, movies, etc. Plus a lot of adults now were raised in daycare where no one who took care of them loved them.

+1 This is my take as well. I would also include an increase in mental illness due to several factors. Mental illness can even be manifesting itself as an inability to have healthy connections and attachments, less empathy, more narcissistic traits, etc.

I think it’s FOX News, extreme financial situations of many boomers and lead poisoning being released.

FOX News really feeds anxiety in boomers and turns them into raving sociopaths. Some boomers who didn’t or weren’t able to financially plan for retirement are in a state of anxiety, anger and desperation. Other boomers are sitting on a stockpile larger than they’ve ever lived with from real estate and stock appreciation. They behave like trash that won the lottery or miserly hoarders terrified someone will take what’s THEIRS. There is a thing about chronic low lead exposure among boomers that is now being released as their bones soften. It’s leading to absolute awful behavior from this group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have no sense of connection with or obligation to anyone anymore. I think people are dead inside from all the violence we see every day, day in day out in the media, TV shows, tv ads, movies, etc. Plus a lot of adults now were raised in daycare where no one who took care of them loved them.

I don't think this is it.

My sister is estranged from our parents and one of our brothers. I am low contact with everyone in the family. But both my sister and I have good marriages, kids, and strong connections within those families we have built. The truth is that there was a lot of dysfunction in our family growing up and our parents have mental health issues that make it hard to have healthy relationships with them. Also a major reason we choose to minimize contact with them is to protect our kids from some of the issues at play.

It has nothing to do with being "dead inside" due to violence in the media. I don't even consume violent media and I don't believe my sister does either. It has to do with coming from a long chain of families with substance abuse, domestic and child abuse, and mental illness, and wanting to be chain breakers. To set new patterns within our own marriages and with our kids, we have to distance ourselves from that chain.

So in our case, the family estrangement is in service to connection and obligation. Just to our kids and spouses instead of to our parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have no sense of connection with or obligation to anyone anymore. I think people are dead inside from all the violence we see every day, day in day out in the media, TV shows, tv ads, movies, etc. Plus a lot of adults now were raised in daycare where no one who took care of them loved them.

+1 This is my take as well. I would also include an increase in mental illness due to several factors. Mental illness can even be manifesting itself as an inability to have healthy connections and attachments, less empathy, more narcissistic traits, etc.

The older generations did not seek therapy. They best they sought out often was their local priest, or they talked their friends to death about their problems. But they never really got help and expected their kids to just "take it" because it's family. GenX and younger do not view seeing a counselor as a failure or embarrassment to yourself and your family.

And yet they turned out more messed up. One sad but objective measure - the suicides - keeps increasing.

Are they messed up because they went to therapy, or are they both messed up and in therapy due to generational dysfunction that their messed up parents were part of?