MIL upset over dinner misunderstanding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is all of thus happening in a matter of minutes? It’s like some military operation planned to the last second. Does anyone have any chill to wait a minute?

I wanted DC to eat and knew if I waited until she arrived to get food, we’d be late to the performance. In all actuality, now that I think of it in terms like this, I don’t know how she got to us as quickly as she did, based on where she claims she was when she called, and the time it took me to return to pick her up.

[Anonymous]

She’s at fault for being late.
You are going above and beyond to deal with her.
Your dh should tell her she won’t be included in the future if this is how she behaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is all of thus happening in a matter of minutes? It’s like some military operation planned to the last second. Does anyone have any chill to wait a minute?

I wanted DC to eat and knew if I waited until she arrived to get food, we’d be late to the performance. In all actuality, now that I think of it in terms like this, I don’t know how she got to us as quickly as she did, based on where she claims she was when she called, and the time it took me to return to pick her up.

This plan left no margin for error. Everyone taking one car? Meeting at one house? Getting dinner on the way? Your only responsibility is to your kid let the two Grandmas drive together. I don’t wait on anyone in situations like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is all of thus happening in a matter of minutes? It’s like some military operation planned to the last second. Does anyone have any chill to wait a minute?

I wanted DC to eat and knew if I waited until she arrived to get food, we’d be late to the performance. In all actuality, now that I think of it in terms like this, I don’t know how she got to us as quickly as she did, based on where she claims she was when she called, and the time it took me to return to pick her up.

This plan left no margin for error. Everyone taking one car? Meeting at one house? Getting dinner on the way? Your only responsibility is to your kid let the two Grandmas drive together. I don’t wait on anyone in situations like this.

There was a margin for error, but based on what MIL told me, I didn’t think we’d have enough time if we waited. I wanted to be sure my kid ate. I guess my mistake was waiting, but in all honesty, it all worked out just fine. I don’t understand why she is so upset over this imaginary scenario. It would be one thing if she had told my husband or me that she was upset that we didn’t call to tell her where we were going, but that’s not what she said, she was clear that she was mad we ate without her. We didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is all of thus happening in a matter of minutes? It’s like some military operation planned to the last second. Does anyone have any chill to wait a minute?

Not OP but, yeah, a lot of times weeknight kid activities are logistically planned to the last second, especially for a performance which is a big deal with a call time, etc. It sounds like perhaps OP didn't communicate as much in real time as she could have, which might have cleared up some of the confusion, but OP needed to be where she needed to be when she needed to be there (with a fed kid) and MIL could make the effort to show up on time.

[Anonymous]

I think I would give one genuine apology for the misunderstanding next time you see her (because there was no bad intentions here...it was just a misunderstanding). She can choose to accept it or not. It's worth a try for your own sake. But I wouldn't enable her in being dramatic about things like this and I would make sure DH is on the same page.

My MIL is tough but as long as my DH and I a unified front, it's manageable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you did anything wrong. In hindsight, I probably would have asked my mom to stay at the house while I went to pick up the food just in case MIL arrived before I got back.

+1

I don’t think you did anything wrong. MIL knew what time you were leaving.

In hindsight I suppose you could’ve let her know or left your mom to greet her. But really the focus needed to be on your child not managing the grandmothers.

Not sure if I’d issue a token apology to keep the peace, or just let it blow over. Depends how much of a pain MIL tends to be.

That’s fine when grandmas aren’t very old or infirm yet, but once they’re over 75 or have health/mobility/cognitive/vision/hearing issues, they also need to be managed.

[Anonymous]

Someone who would be late to an important event would also be someone who would *choose* to say they felt slighted.

You actually have a husband problem Op. He should not give an audience to her tales and complaints. He's sort-of looped into this behavior also, and that's not good. And you (you didn't think you would escape criticism, did you?) proving you can pull a rabbit out of a hat Your magical logistical feats, you need to chill more. Stop with the promises and making life more complicated. Say no to your DD next time, a lot more nos. When it complicates an otherwise already busy time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you did anything wrong; I think your MIL is just highly sensitive about her place in the pecking order. However, I do think that changes of plans are harder for the elderly and it would have been nice for you to have left your mom at your house so that someone was there to meet MIL and explain what was happening. If I was dealing with two old ladies who were nervous about going to an event alone and finding parking, I wouldn’t have let one of them show up to an empty house.

In all honesty, I truly thought we’d be back before she got there, based on where she was when she called. She doesn’t ever see her text notifications, and isn’t a fan of calls while driving, so I truly thought this was the best plan. I just told everyone to get in the car and we’d be ready to go whenever MIL pulled up.

I still would have texted or called before leaving. It is weird since you said youd be there. Then you could have said - I tried to reach you to you know. Or left a note on the door. OR left your own mother there to greet her while you ran to get the food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone who would be late to an important event would also be someone who would *choose* to say they felt slighted.

You actually have a husband problem Op. He should not give an audience to her tales and complaints. He's sort-of looped into this behavior also, and that's not good. And you (you didn't think you would escape criticism, did you?) proving you can pull a rabbit out of a hat Your magical logistical feats, you need to chill more. Stop with the promises and making life more complicated. Say no to your DD next time, a lot more nos. When it complicates an otherwise already busy time.

NP, but is wild. How is getting a child fast food on the way to an event, when time has been allocated for it, making things complicated?

OP did nothing wrong. The MIL was late, full stop. Had she arrived before five as instructed, they would have all been in the car and gotten the pre-planned and time-allocated-for food together. But the MIL was late.

[Anonymous]

She was late. She is leaning into feeling hurt and like the victim. The evening was about your child. Very telling g that she decided to put a damper on the evening by choosing to act like a child. I would not lift another finger to try and get her to come around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone who would be late to an important event would also be someone who would *choose* to say they felt slighted.

You actually have a husband problem Op. He should not give an audience to her tales and complaints. He's sort-of looped into this behavior also, and that's not good. And you (you didn't think you would escape criticism, did you?) proving you can pull a rabbit out of a hat Your magical logistical feats, you need to chill more. Stop with the promises and making life more complicated. Say no to your DD next time, a lot more nos. When it complicates an otherwise already busy time.

I like this poster's point of view. It does feel like you're jumping through all these hoops, trying to please everyone, and then feeling bad when someone happens and insensitive people like your husband put the burden on you to respond.

Maybe just be a little more self-serving in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is all of thus happening in a matter of minutes? It’s like some military operation planned to the last second. Does anyone have any chill to wait a minute?

I wanted DC to eat and knew if I waited until she arrived to get food, we’d be late to the performance. In all actuality, now that I think of it in terms like this, I don’t know how she got to us as quickly as she did, based on where she claims she was when she called, and the time it took me to return to pick her up.

This plan left no margin for error. Everyone taking one car? Meeting at one house? Getting dinner on the way? Your only responsibility is to your kid let the two Grandmas drive together. I don’t wait on anyone in situations like this.

There was a margin for error, but based on what MIL told me, I didn’t think we’d have enough time if we waited. I wanted to be sure my kid ate. I guess my mistake was waiting, but in all honesty, it all worked out just fine. I don’t understand why she is so upset over this imaginary scenario. It would be one thing if she had told my husband or me that she was upset that we didn’t call to tell her where we were going, but that’s not what she said, she was clear that she was mad we ate without her. We didn’t.

Well did you invite her in for the soup and salad after? Then she'd know you didn't eat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone who would be late to an important event would also be someone who would *choose* to say they felt slighted.

You actually have a husband problem Op. He should not give an audience to her tales and complaints. He's sort-of looped into this behavior also, and that's not good. And you (you didn't think you would escape criticism, did you?) proving you can pull a rabbit out of a hat Your magical logistical feats, you need to chill more. Stop with the promises and making life more complicated. Say no to your DD next time, a lot more nos. When it complicates an otherwise already busy time.

I like this poster's point of view. It does feel like you're jumping through all these hoops, trying to please everyone, and then feeling bad when someone happens and insensitive people like your husband put the burden on you to respond.

Maybe just be a little more self-serving in the future.

He didn’t put the burden on me, he was definitely on my side and didn’t think her story made any sense, and was calling to see what happened. I didn’t have to call her, I chose to l. But I think you’re definitely not wrong about my jumping through hoops and need to be a little more self-serving in the future. With that, I think I’ll drop this. Her feelings are hers to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is all of thus happening in a matter of minutes? It’s like some military operation planned to the last second. Does anyone have any chill to wait a minute?

I wanted DC to eat and knew if I waited until she arrived to get food, we’d be late to the performance. In all actuality, now that I think of it in terms like this, I don’t know how she got to us as quickly as she did, based on where she claims she was when she called, and the time it took me to return to pick her up.

This plan left no margin for error. Everyone taking one car? Meeting at one house? Getting dinner on the way? Your only responsibility is to your kid let the two Grandmas drive together. I don’t wait on anyone in situations like this.

There was a margin for error, but based on what MIL told me, I didn’t think we’d have enough time if we waited. I wanted to be sure my kid ate. I guess my mistake was waiting, but in all honesty, it all worked out just fine. I don’t understand why she is so upset over this imaginary scenario. It would be one thing if she had told my husband or me that she was upset that we didn’t call to tell her where we were going, but that’s not what she said, she was clear that she was mad we ate without her. We didn’t.

Well did you invite her in for the soup and salad after? Then she'd know you didn't eat?

Of course! Days before, and as soon as we got home. She didn’t even come inside, she just left.