MIL upset over dinner misunderstanding
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Anonymous
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Looking for some perspective and advice on a situation that unfolded yesterday evening during my child's performance event.
My DH is currently out of town, but both my mom and MIL were invited to attend the performance. The plan was for everyone to meet at my house by 5pm so we could drive together, since both were nervous about the parking situation. I had told them in advance that I’d promised DC Chick-fil-A for dinner, which we’d pick up on the way, and then after the performance, we’d all come back to my house for soup and salad that I’d already prepared. Everyone was informed of this plan and seemed to think it was a great idea. At around 4:45, MIL called to say she was running behind. Since she was still a ways out, I quickly decided to go ahead with my mom to pick up the food (which I had already ordered via the app) so we wouldn’t be delayed. I figured we’d be back right around the time MIL arrived, that we wouldn’t even go back in the house and she could just hop in the car and go. The drive thru took longer than I anticipated and MIL got to the house and saw we weren’t there, and she called. I answered and told her we were literally right around the corner and would be there in less than a minute. She seemed fine with that, and the evening seemed fine. After the performance, however, MIL left almost immediately. Later, she must have called my husband to say she was hurt that we ate without her, because he called to ask what happened. I explained the situation to DH, that I hadn’t eaten anything, and no one else had either, we all waited until after the event as originally planned. I then called MIL to try and clarify, but she was still very upset and is holding firm to the belief that she was left out. For context, I don’t think this is memory-related or anything like that. I actually think this is more about her relationship with my mom. She’s always seemed very intimidated by my mom and is often extra sensitive whenever she’s around. I’m starting to wonder if this entire misunderstanding felt to her like my mom and I were intentionally excluding her, though that truly wasn’t the case at all. Was I wrong to go ahead and grab the food? Should I have handled this differently? And more importantly, how do I fix it now, or is this something I just need to let go? |
Anonymous
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You should have texted her that you were running to get the food for DC at the drive thru and would swing back to pick her up on your way to the school so that DC could eat before the performance.
Not sure where you go now, since it sounds like you already tried to apologize and explain. If you only tried to explain without an apology, I guess you could try again b |
Anonymous
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The question is: should you stretch to remember to spell everything out for your MIL, especially when your mother is there as well; and more generally, are you expected to read your MIL's mind to suss out what the bloody heck she's getting wrong this time?
No. Your MIL will always get the wrong end of the stick whens he feels insecure, and you cannot identify all the times when she will feel that way. This is not on you. |
Anonymous
| You did nothing wrong. Stop trying to fix it - MIL is a grown adult and has to work through her feelings and get over it. You've apologized and explained - there's nothing more for you to do. |
Anonymous
| I don’t think you did anything wrong; I think your MIL is just highly sensitive about her place in the pecking order. However, I do think that changes of plans are harder for the elderly and it would have been nice for you to have left your mom at your house so that someone was there to meet MIL and explain what was happening. If I was dealing with two old ladies who were nervous about going to an event alone and finding parking, I wouldn’t have let one of them show up to an empty house. |
Anonymous
In all honesty, I truly thought we’d be back before she got there, based on where she was when she called. She doesn’t ever see her text notifications, and isn’t a fan of calls while driving, so I truly thought this was the best plan. I just told everyone to get in the car and we’d be ready to go whenever MIL pulled up. |
Anonymous
| Eh, I would let someone know if I were leaving the house if they were on the way over. |
Anonymous
| Just let it go. It will blow over |
Anonymous
| How is all of thus happening in a matter of minutes? It’s like some military operation planned to the last second. Does anyone have any chill to wait a minute? |
Anonymous
| Just send her a text (in writing so it's clear...) Hi Jane- Please know that we did not eat without you. I wanted to make sure Jr. was fed prior to the event and had promised chick filet and not wanting Jr to be late to the performance- we ran out and picked it out for him so he'd have time to eat. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| I don’t think you did anything wrong. In hindsight, I probably would have asked my mom to stay at the house while I went to pick up the food just in case MIL arrived before I got back. |
Anonymous
| Where is your daughter in all this? At home? In the car? At the performance? |
Anonymous
At Chick Fil A, obvs. |
Anonymous
+1 I don’t think you did anything wrong. MIL knew what time you were leaving. In hindsight I suppose you could’ve let her know or left your mom to greet her. But really the focus needed to be on your child not managing the grandmothers. Not sure if I’d issue a token apology to keep the peace, or just let it blow over. Depends how much of a pain MIL tends to be. |