Is it reasonable to stop visiting ILs?

[Anonymous]

You can’t keep burning your family vacation time driving several hours twice a year to do this. Move down to once a year. A forced relationship is not a relationship.

[Anonymous]

How long is the drive to the grandparents? I would drive up for the day, have lunch, go to a park so the kids can burn off some energy and return home to your own bed.

[Anonymous]

stay at the hotel and visit them for dinner, that sounds ok to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t keep burning your family vacation time driving several hours twice a year to do this. Move down to once a year. A forced relationship is not a relationship.

Or can they visit you?

That way you can continue usual activities (there will be more as kids get older) and interact with the ILs when it works out

Maybe they will be less overwhelmed when it's not their house to cook and keep clean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's parents have never been particularly close with us - he is usually the one initiating FaceTime to see the grandkids, visits, etc. They are not malicious but just old and set in their ways.

DH is very different from them - moved across the country to college, built a professional career, traveled the world. They worked minimum wage jobs, eat a few basic dishes that don't require cooking, have very limited interests in anything. We are honestly not sure how they spend their time now that they are retired - they don't have any hobbies like gardening or crafts or crosswords, do not go to church or library or senior center, don't have friends. I think they literally watch TV all day. We have tried gently encouraging and supporting (mainly DH as he is their kid), but they have no interest. We've really also tried finding points of connection, but there just doesn't seem to be much.


Visits with them are...tough.

First, they never have any ideas for what to do, and are always sort of unwillingly dragging along with us, whether it's outings with the kids or just sitting at home playing or reading with them.

Second, their schedule is v incompatible with ours and they have no interest in adjusting at all. We have young kids who are up by 6-6:30 and down around 7 (younger) and 8 (older). Younger also needs a nap. They get up close to noon and stay up until 1-2AM watching TV until they pass out on the couch. So by the time they are getting up, we need to do lunch and nap. I am tired because I work full-time and am pretty involved with the kids, so I usually want to crash early as well, I can't socialize with them for very long after getting the kids down.

DH wants to have a relationship with them (esp the kids), so we have done visits twice a year (usually at their place because they don't like coming to us). We make lots of suggestions, try to be flexible, and really want to make it work.

But as they get older, the situation is getting worse. They used to at least make a bit of an effort during the hours that we are all awake. Spend time with the kids, ask us some questions about us, etc. This time, they literally went about doing their chores, or on their phones or reading the paper, not interacting with us at all. They do serve us food and consistently (almost obsessively) clean up after us if the kids leave a toy out or something and don't let us help. It is like pulling teeth getting them to actually do anything with us.

We tried talking to them about it, and it went nowhere. I can see that they genuinely don't understand ("How can you be offended? We have nothing against you, we're just following the same routines we follow every day. "We didn't want to get in your way.")

At this point, I want to stop visits to them, because driving several hours just to sit awkwardly in their house (which is not very kid friendly either) makes no sense. I am happy to host them if they want to see us. DH is reluctant to give it up. What should we do?

how often do you visit your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's parents have never been particularly close with us - he is usually the one initiating FaceTime to see the grandkids, visits, etc. They are not malicious but just old and set in their ways.

DH is very different from them - moved across the country to college, built a professional career, traveled the world. They worked minimum wage jobs, eat a few basic dishes that don't require cooking, have very limited interests in anything. We are honestly not sure how they spend their time now that they are retired - they don't have any hobbies like gardening or crafts or crosswords, do not go to church or library or senior center, don't have friends. I think they literally watch TV all day. We have tried gently encouraging and supporting (mainly DH as he is their kid), but they have no interest. We've really also tried finding points of connection, but there just doesn't seem to be much.


Visits with them are...tough.

First, they never have any ideas for what to do, and are always sort of unwillingly dragging along with us, whether it's outings with the kids or just sitting at home playing or reading with them.

Second, their schedule is v incompatible with ours and they have no interest in adjusting at all. We have young kids who are up by 6-6:30 and down around 7 (younger) and 8 (older). Younger also needs a nap. They get up close to noon and stay up until 1-2AM watching TV until they pass out on the couch. So by the time they are getting up, we need to do lunch and nap. I am tired because I work full-time and am pretty involved with the kids, so I usually want to crash early as well, I can't socialize with them for very long after getting the kids down.

DH wants to have a relationship with them (esp the kids), so we have done visits twice a year (usually at their place because they don't like coming to us). We make lots of suggestions, try to be flexible, and really want to make it work.

But as they get older, the situation is getting worse. They used to at least make a bit of an effort during the hours that we are all awake. Spend time with the kids, ask us some questions about us, etc. This time, they literally went about doing their chores, or on their phones or reading the paper, not interacting with us at all. They do serve us food and consistently (almost obsessively) clean up after us if the kids leave a toy out or something and don't let us help. It is like pulling teeth getting them to actually do anything with us.

We tried talking to them about it, and it went nowhere. I can see that they genuinely don't understand ("How can you be offended? We have nothing against you, we're just following the same routines we follow every day. "We didn't want to get in your way.")

At this point, I want to stop visits to them, because driving several hours just to sit awkwardly in their house (which is not very kid friendly either) makes no sense. I am happy to host them if they want to see us. DH is reluctant to give it up. What should we do?

Fly them to visit you.

[Anonymous]

How does your DH feel about this? It sounds like he wants a relationship since he initiates things. Are there other siblings?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes watching tv with your grandma is creating memories. I have fun memories watching Match Game and Price is Right with mine.

If they are drivable distance, you could do three long weekends in stead a week. Then you wouldn’t burn up PTO and you will have smaller doses.

Can you make it super easy for them to visit you? It sounds like they would be excellent guests if they just want to watch tv all the time.

How old are they? How much family is still near them?

[Anonymous]

Plan shorter trips and be on your schedule, do touristy things without them and plan a couple hours a day with them, or take them out to eat at lunch when they wake up. It’s also fine for dh to spend time with them, or dh and older kid as your youngest naps. My parents are wonderful, curious and lovely people who have slowed down due to aging. Their last visit they spent more time at our house doing less. They were perfectly content doing one thing a day together, even if that one thing was a trip to the mall to buy a few things. I’d lower my expectations bc what you see as bad and boring might seem just great to them.

[Anonymous]

I would insist on them visiting you "because of the kids school schedules". Pay for the flight if you must.
I understand how you feel but it's the right thing to do. You cant cut your kids grandparents out because they are boring. You just can't.
My inlaws and my father are like this. I told my father that the kids memories of him will just be of him on his recliner... He doesn't care! MIL will come over to hang out with the kids but has never, not once, left the house with them and FIL wont even come over. At least my mom makes an effort.

[Anonymous]

You keep driving to them twice a year. That's not too much. Stop analyzing how much fun you're having. You don't get to do that. It's a duty. Sometimes things are a duty.

You could choose to stay in a hotel. That would be your/your DH's choice, not theirs. They don't get to decide that. You spend a portion of the day with them. See other things in their area - that's on you and DH to figure out. Create a pleasant trip out of it.

He visits alone sometimes, if more than the twice a year you're willing. They would love that too. Young parents should never lose sight that he is their little boy. They love him the same way and with the same intensity that you love your own children.

[Anonymous]

OP, most of your post, especially the beginning is so unnecessary. Unnecessarily cruel. And unimportant. All you're doing is trying to prove they aren't worthy of you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know how often people here turn against the OP- but you honestly sound just as rigid as they are. It’s not up to you or your DH to find them approved hobbies to do - they are happy with whatever they are doing. They’ve done the heavy lifting of work, children, etc. and if they want to sit around and chat and watch TV - so what? The era they came from was less rat race in so many ways - people actually sat and chatted at dinner parties, played board games, looked through old photographs, played music just to listen to it.
Sounds like your kids are still napping, it sounds like they’re still very young, and that can be a hard age for some seniors to relate to. They’re not as physical as they once were, it’s hard to get down on the floor (and up!) to play Lego or games, and they’re not as familiar with their popular characters and culture that toddlers exist in. Sitting and watching them play IS the joy, because they get to see what your kid likes, who they are, etc. They may not know which activities to plan as there is nap time and a schedule and children with different abilities. A

Honestly, I think these visits are tough because you’re framing them as tough. You have an expectation of how things will go, and some of it could be mitigated by maybe you planning a few activities you know your kids can do that grandparents can watch, or by bringing some games, etc. that can fill the time for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

You visit them because it’s the kind and respectful thing to do, and it’s clearly important to your husband to honor his parents.

You visit them because one day, when your children decide that you’re “very different” from them, you will have modeled how to treat one’s parents with kindness and respect despite this fact. And they’ll visit you.

[Anonymous]

Where do they live? If it’s close-ish to a major or medium size city, could you stay at a hotel in the city - even for part of the trip? Could you mix in some sightseeing in the area? Even smaller and mid size cities often have things like a children’s museum (not sure how old your kids are), outdoor activities/trails/hiking, and historical sites. You can do that kind of stuff for most of the day and have dinner and visit with them at home in the afternoon/evenings. They might be feeling like it’s difficult to “host” for a long period of time, so time out of their house might be the best for both families.

I had a lot of non-local aunts/uncles/cousins growing up while my family was local to both sets of grandparents. They usually did not stay at “grandma’s house” when they visited, or just the kids would while the parents got a hotel (in the case of my younger and more energetic grandparents).