Is it reasonable to stop visiting ILs?

[Anonymous]

I would shorten visits and go less frequently. Guess I’m in the minority but both sides need to be interested in building a relationship. Your ILs may be fine people but they’re not putting any effort in. Sounds like you have tried to work with them but it hasn’t gone anywhere. There’s only so much time and energy you can give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay in a hotel. Show up at their house for lunch, afternoon visit, dinner and then get back to the hotel. Do other stuff in the area in the mornings.

You could probably just go once a year and let your husband take the kids by himself once a year. If your husband doesn’t want to go without you, then he has been using you as a buffer which is BS. He can figure it out on his own or you all go once a year.

Something Iike this. Book a vacation nearby and invite them/have DH bring them to stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay in a hotel. Show up at their house for lunch, afternoon visit, dinner and then get back to the hotel. Do other stuff in the area in the mornings.

You could probably just go once a year and let your husband take the kids by himself once a year. If your husband doesn’t want to go without you, then he has been using you as a buffer which is BS. He can figure it out on his own or you all go once a year.

I came here to say this.

[Anonymous]

Send DH with the kids if he is so keen, you stay home and relax. Drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

I would try adjustments. When you do visit, do you stay at a hotel? If not, do that. Decrease the amount of time you spend with them and do some things on your own. Frame it as r3especting their routine and not wanting to wake them up early.

If that isn't enough, have DH sometimes go with the kids without you.

I would keep trying adjustments and decreases to make it work long before I'd just stop. I like to know I tried many solutions and gave many chances.

[Anonymous]

This sounds a lot like my in laws (minus the sleeping until noon part), and honestly a lot of older people are like this IME.

The suggestion of staying at a hotel is a good one (and framing it as “so the kids’ noise doesn’t wake you up early”

Beyond that, I’d make plans to do things during the day, and they can choose to join you or not. We don’t just sit around the house all day when we visit my ILs. We take the kids to the zoo, park, etc. and ILs are invited to join. Does your DH have any old friends still living in their area? Sometimes we visit my DH’s old friends for a few hours when we are in town (letting the ILs know well before the visit that we will be absent for a few hours) which is a nice break.

I’d also consider sending DH with one or both kids sometimes, with you staying home.

[Anonymous]

How far away do they live & how long do you usually stay? When my kids were small, we lived 2.5 hours away from ILs. Believe it or not, we usually just went for the day. We would arrive at 10-11am and stay until 6-7pm. It was a lot easier than dealing with overnights (no need to pack stuff) and then we still had a full weekend day. I vastly preferred this (and going somewhat more often) versus longer visits. The kids usually fell asleep in the car on the way home.

Maybe consider shortening the visits, even if it is a lot of driving?

[Anonymous]

This is easy, they sound like my ILs. You go if you can with your schedule when your kids are little. When they are old enough that you are no longer worried about their safety (like having 2 toddlers in a not childproofed house with old people or whatever) he goes alone.

My husband has been taking ours by himself for my years for those visits. As they get oldest and have more things you need to travel for if they do sports and you just want family vacations, it becomes harder to take off the time together for this anyway. We travel separately to visit out families.

[Anonymous]

“DH is very different from them - moved across the country to college, built a professional career, traveled the world. They worked minimum wage jobs, eat a few basic dishes that don't require cooking, have very limited interests in anything”

OP hasn’t considered the possibility that they are the way the are “limited interests” in anything and only eating “basic dishes that don’t require cooking” - because they spent their lives working their asses off in “minimum wage jobs” so their son could “move across the country to build a professional career and travel the world.”

They’ve earned the right to inconvenience OP in what really are some pretty insignificant ways a few times a year.

[Anonymous]

No. They sound fine. Boring and not similar to your lifestyle, but fine. You only stop visits if they are harmful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would shorten visits and go less frequently. Guess I’m in the minority but both sides need to be interested in building a relationship. Your ILs may be fine people but they’re not putting any effort in. Sounds like you have tried to work with them but it hasn’t gone anywhere. There’s only so much time and energy you can give.

This is my thought too. I’d go once a year and stay in a hotel unless they change their behavior to be more compatible/accommodating when you are there.

You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep them warm.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to visit them as you aren't their child.

Let your husband triage the logistics of visiting his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
“DH is very different from them - moved across the country to college, built a professional career, traveled the world. They worked minimum wage jobs, eat a few basic dishes that don't require cooking, have very limited interests in anything”

OP hasn’t considered the possibility that they are the way the are “limited interests” in anything and only eating “basic dishes that don’t require cooking” - because they spent their lives working their asses off in “minimum wage jobs” so their son could “move across the country to build a professional career and travel the world.”

They’ve earned the right to inconvenience OP in what really are some pretty insignificant ways a few times a year.

I noticed this too. Getting very tired of the implication that anyone who isn't a world traveler is boring and worthless. Another thing we are supposed to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Drop down to once a year and then DH can go on his own,

Visits where the people you are visiting are disinterested, not engaged, and so boring that you’ve counted the pattern repetition on the vinyl floor many times are a waste of everyone’s time. It isn’t maintaining or building a relationship, it’s performative.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard when you’re older.
Have some mercy. Bring games or cards. Plan to do some thing else part of the time. Make your schedule clear and give them options.