Is it reasonable to stop visiting ILs?
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Anonymous
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DH's parents have never been particularly close with us - he is usually the one initiating FaceTime to see the grandkids, visits, etc. They are not malicious but just old and set in their ways.
DH is very different from them - moved across the country to college, built a professional career, traveled the world. They worked minimum wage jobs, eat a few basic dishes that don't require cooking, have very limited interests in anything. We are honestly not sure how they spend their time now that they are retired - they don't have any hobbies like gardening or crafts or crosswords, do not go to church or library or senior center, don't have friends. I think they literally watch TV all day. We have tried gently encouraging and supporting (mainly DH as he is their kid), but they have no interest. We've really also tried finding points of connection, but there just doesn't seem to be much. Visits with them are...tough. First, they never have any ideas for what to do, and are always sort of unwillingly dragging along with us, whether it's outings with the kids or just sitting at home playing or reading with them. Second, their schedule is v incompatible with ours and they have no interest in adjusting at all. We have young kids who are up by 6-6:30 and down around 7 (younger) and 8 (older). Younger also needs a nap. They get up close to noon and stay up until 1-2AM watching TV until they pass out on the couch. So by the time they are getting up, we need to do lunch and nap. I am tired because I work full-time and am pretty involved with the kids, so I usually want to crash early as well, I can't socialize with them for very long after getting the kids down. DH wants to have a relationship with them (esp the kids), so we have done visits twice a year (usually at their place because they don't like coming to us). We make lots of suggestions, try to be flexible, and really want to make it work. But as they get older, the situation is getting worse. They used to at least make a bit of an effort during the hours that we are all awake. Spend time with the kids, ask us some questions about us, etc. This time, they literally went about doing their chores, or on their phones or reading the paper, not interacting with us at all. They do serve us food and consistently (almost obsessively) clean up after us if the kids leave a toy out or something and don't let us help. It is like pulling teeth getting them to actually do anything with us. We tried talking to them about it, and it went nowhere. I can see that they genuinely don't understand ("How can you be offended? We have nothing against you, we're just following the same routines we follow every day. "We didn't want to get in your way.") At this point, I want to stop visits to them, because driving several hours just to sit awkwardly in their house (which is not very kid friendly either) makes no sense. I am happy to host them if they want to see us. DH is reluctant to give it up. What should we do? |
Anonymous
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Oh this sounds like my in-laws.
I don’t think you can stop visits if DH isn’t on board. They’re his parents, and they aren’t actively harmful. You can shorten them or go eight months instead of six. When kids get older they will have activities that keep the family in town so it won’t be forever. |
Anonymous
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You sound very resentful, OP. I hope you're not really. They can't help being old and tired and set in their ways! Their world is getting smaller and they're obsessing over something (with them it's cleanliness, with others it's something else). It's SO typical of elderly folk!
My parents are getting to be this way too - and they were great travelers in their day (engineer father, teacher mother, so reasonably educated and alert). Please don't hold your in-laws' poverty and lack of curiosity over their heads. Even the rich and educated come to this in the end. You will have to make more and more adjustments, and it should be on your family, not them. Your kids are going to become more flexible as they age, and you're still in the prime of life. Of course, go to bed when you're tired, but don't expect them to go with you anywhere, and please clean up after yourself when you're visiting. Maybe you should go to a hotel nearby, to lighten their burden, and only arrive to sit and chat for a few hours. That's what we do with my MIL - she cannot host overnight visitors or accompany us anymore. I sit at her kitchen table and listen to her talk about her life. My kids sit politely with books or screens, and do their best to respond when asked questions. I did this with my grandparents too, back in the day. You can choose to reduce the number of visits, but do not abandon them entirely. One day, you'll be old and decrepit too, and your world will restrict itself to obsessively wiping down your kitchen counters... but you'll still be glad when your grandkids come and visit, even if you have absolutely nothing in common with them! |
Anonymous
You should continue to help your husband bring his kids to visit his parents. Find things to do with your time there, and let the grandparents be in the vicinity of their grandchildren. |
Anonymous
| His monkeys, his circus. My husband doesn’t initiate or plan or facilitate visits to my parents, I don’t do so for his. I work full time and have my own family of origin asking for visits and time. I manage that. If his family of origin needs visits or wants to come to us, that is on him to arrange. I find this greatly reduces the trips since he’s very rarely going to do the logistics if I don’t hold his hand. |
Anonymous
| It’s twice a year, you will survive. |
Anonymous
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If this relationship and these visits are important to him, that’s great; you can help him make the visits happen.
But don’t expect them to change or adapt. They won’t. If that’s a problem, HE can stop the visits. But it’s really not your relationship to manage. You don’t have to accompany him, but this is also not your relationship to manage. |
Anonymous
| No, it’s not reasonable to stop visiting these in-laws. |
Anonymous
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Wow - I assumed they were abusive or extremely rude when you asked if you can stop visiting.
I think you need to adjust your expectations. They feed you. That is what you should expect. Lots of grandparents just want to see thier grandkids. They are not up to doing a million activities. I suggest your DH takes the kids alone once a year, and you go the other visit. When you are there, get up and do activities with the kids in the morning. Then just let the kids play at the grandparents house in the afternoon. Kids (and you ) should not need constant entertainment. Then go to bed when you want. They might maintain thier late schedule because the kids wear them out. |
Anonymous
| You don’t need to visit, but their son does. He can take their grandkids with him if he wants to. I am sure your ILs will be relieved if you stop coming. |
Anonymous
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This is like visits to my MIL. We sit at her house all day. She quickly runs out of things to talk about. She does like to cook for visitors. Occasionally we go to a restaurant.
I think it's important to make these visits because family is family and you have to deal with them how they are. If your husband was well-raised, not abused, and bettered himself, he owes his parents some kindness as thanks. Even if they have nothing in common. Your children are absorbing your values. In my house the kids understand that although it may be boring, their grandma loves them and likes to view them in person. My ILs got my husband off to college in one piece, with orthodontia complete, despite many lean years. We find it helps a lot to stay at a hotel instead of at her small home where some of us have to sleep in the living room. If you haven't tried that, make that your next step. |
Anonymous
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Stay in a hotel. Show up at their house for lunch, afternoon visit, dinner and then get back to the hotel. Do other stuff in the area in the mornings.
You could probably just go once a year and let your husband take the kids by himself once a year. If your husband doesn’t want to go without you, then he has been using you as a buffer which is BS. He can figure it out on his own or you all go once a year. |
Anonymous
| Are these able bodied people who are basically not interacting with their grandkids? Do you feel like your kids and the grandparents are developing a relationship? I can't tell from the OP but that's what I would care about. |
Anonymous
| Of course you don’t stop seeing in-laws when your husband wants to see his parents. What kind of spouse would even present that as an option? |
Anonymous
PP. Not OP. I agree there doesn't seem to be much of a relationship when there's almost no talking and just watching kids play or sitting in their presence. But my oldest has recently started to occasionally call his grandma from college just to say Hi! for a few minutes. It's enough. When he is a parent someday, he'll pass on that the effort is important. Parents doing a lot of active play and engagement with children doing children's games and crafts is partly cultural. |