Is it reasonable to stop visiting ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We go to visit our ILs very often.

And DH and I, basically use that time to maintain their house and yard (we pay a handyman there), pay bills, do taxes, take them for checkups, and host at least two family get-together (that we fund and organize) with our extended family. Oh, we also take nice family pictures and send it to everyone.

My kids do nothing much but watch TV or roam around with some of their relatives or be on the internet.

I really don't mind. I will do anything I can to make sure that they continue to live independently in their own home.

This is what we did as well, while my sibling and family wanted the "cruise director" approach with kid activities all the time.

OP it's your husband's parents and it's twice a year.

Relax, see if your dh and kids are willing to help the grandparents with anything: gardening that needs to be done? House maintenance? Seeing local family? Watching a TV show they enjoy with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh this sounds like my in-laws.

I don’t think you can stop visits if DH isn’t on board. They’re his parents, and they aren’t actively harmful. You can shorten them or go eight months instead of six.

When kids get older they will have activities that keep the family in town so it won’t be forever.

YOU can stop visiting though.

I bet that you are absorbing a lot of the awkwardness for your DH. You're a social buffer for how NOT great this is for everyone else. So send your DH and kids WITHOUT you. The first time I did this my DH had on ok time. The next time he came home and was full of complaints about his parents. YES I KNOW BUDDY. Now, I still do see them here and there, so it's not that I am icing them out completely. But I was basically running around doing the child care and trying to grease the wheel with his parents while he just...sat around chatting with them. It sucked. So I stopped. I go on about 1 out of 4-6 visits and that is plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh this sounds like my in-laws.

I don’t think you can stop visits if DH isn’t on board. They’re his parents, and they aren’t actively harmful. You can shorten them or go eight months instead of six.

When kids get older they will have activities that keep the family in town so it won’t be forever.

YOU can stop visiting though.

I bet that you are absorbing a lot of the awkwardness for your DH. You're a social buffer for how NOT great this is for everyone else. So send your DH and kids WITHOUT you. The first time I did this my DH had on ok time. The next time he came home and was full of complaints about his parents. YES I KNOW BUDDY. Now, I still do see them here and there, so it's not that I am icing them out completely. But I was basically running around doing the child care and trying to grease the wheel with his parents while he just...sat around chatting with them. It sucked. So I stopped. I go on about 1 out of 4-6 visits and that is plenty.

This X10000. If you aren’t there DH’s desire to make these trips will evaporate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

I will have hobbies and do things. I'm not a couch potato

Health willing. None of that is guaranteed so it would be unwise to put yourself in that bucket believing you'll be interesting when you currently think it's okay to avoid people who you deem aren't. It's just a unkind way to walk through the world and I'm a believer in the adage that we get back what we put out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

I will have hobbies and do things. I'm not a couch potato

Health willing. None of that is guaranteed so it would be unwise to put yourself in that bucket believing you'll be interesting when you currently think it's okay to avoid people who you deem aren't. It's just a unkind way to walk through the world and I'm a believer in the adage that we get back what we put out.

OP: "DH's parents have never been particularly close with us - he [DH] is usually the one initiating FaceTime to see the grandkids, visits, etc. They are not malicious but just old and set in their ways"


DH's parents are not putting out much initiation; therefore, they should expect to not get back much initiation.

This is based on your "adage", which you will now apply selectively or abandon entirely.

[Anonymous]

Leave your husbands parents alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

I will have hobbies and do things. I'm not a couch potato

Your hobbies might not be theirs. They may still find you boring.

Regardless, it only matters if you expect your children to visit even when they don't feel like it. If you don't do it, they won't either. That's ok; however, it's a choice.

DP you seem to always be on this forum threatening everyone that if they don’t do whatever the olds want then they will be abandoned. It’s clearly a manipulative tactic on your part, pretty gross. If you could post a picture I bet your finger would be wagging.

IMO it’s actually the opposite anyway. If you drag your kids to visits where they are ignored, it’s painfully boring and everyone dreads those visits they will not grow up thinking they have a duty to suffer through it all over again with you. They will grow up with resolve that there’s no way I’m doing this! Each generation gets smarter and this idea that you should be miserable to appease an older person who neither tries, is grateful or is engaged is BS.

It is not a threat. It is fact. I’ve gone low contact with family members. I am aware that there’s nothing stopping my children from going low-contact with me.

DP - That's not what you are saying. You said: "If you don't do it, they won't either."

Children may or may not visit regardless of whether you visit frequently, occasionally, or never. "If you don't do it, they won't either" is not fact; it is a statement designed to manipulate.

I also said that’s ok. It’s a choice.

You’re right I should’ve used the word probably. If you don’t they probably won’t. If your children find you boring, they probably won’t visit them either.

"The right thing to do is X. If other family members do the wrong thing, I will probably do the wrong thing too."

That is still a morally bankrupt take. There is not reason to express this, other than to manipulate.

This you too?

If they’re serving food, they’re trying their best. They care. Dismissing that is heartless and begs you get the same response from your kids in your dotage. Set in their ways when life becomes more difficult, does not been they are no longer human. A little tolerance goes a long way.

Whether you authored this or not, it mirrors your form of emotional manipulation.

No these are not me. You have issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

I will have hobbies and do things. I'm not a couch potato

Your hobbies might not be theirs. They may still find you boring.

Regardless, it only matters if you expect your children to visit even when they don't feel like it. If you don't do it, they won't either. That's ok; however, it's a choice.

DP you seem to always be on this forum threatening everyone that if they don’t do whatever the olds want then they will be abandoned. It’s clearly a manipulative tactic on your part, pretty gross. If you could post a picture I bet your finger would be wagging.

IMO it’s actually the opposite anyway. If you drag your kids to visits where they are ignored, it’s painfully boring and everyone dreads those visits they will not grow up thinking they have a duty to suffer through it all over again with you. They will grow up with resolve that there’s no way I’m doing this! Each generation gets smarter and this idea that you should be miserable to appease an older person who neither tries, is grateful or is engaged is BS.

It is not a threat. It is fact. I’ve gone low contact with family members. I am aware that there’s nothing stopping my children from going low-contact with me.

DP - That's not what you are saying. You said: "If you don't do it, they won't either."

Children may or may not visit regardless of whether you visit frequently, occasionally, or never. "If you don't do it, they won't either" is not fact; it is a statement designed to manipulate.

I also said that’s ok. It’s a choice.

You’re right I should’ve used the word probably. If you don’t they probably won’t. If your children find you boring, they probably won’t visit them either.

"The right thing to do is X. If other family members do the wrong thing, I will probably do the wrong thing too."

That is still a morally bankrupt take. There is not reason to express this, other than to manipulate.

This you too?

If they’re serving food, they’re trying their best. They care. Dismissing that is heartless and begs you get the same response from your kids in your dotage. Set in their ways when life becomes more difficult, does not been they are no longer human. A little tolerance goes a long way.

Whether you authored this or not, it mirrors your form of emotional manipulation.

No these are not me.

You share the same sentiment "it mirrors your form"

You have issues.

Deflection is a defense mechanism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to visit, but their son does. He can take their grandkids with him if he wants to. I am sure your ILs will be relieved if you stop coming.

Here's your answer, right on Page 1.

[Anonymous]

They sound similar to my parents. I think it’s terribly boring visiting them and kind of sad that they don’t make more effort in the relationship (they never ask us questions about ourselves/our lives, they don’t play with the kids or really engage with the kids that much, they just kind of expect us to sit around doing nothing except watching jeopardy or reading the newspaper or talking about what’s for dinner all day). BUT I want the kids to know that it’s important to still try to have a relationship with family members so long as they are not toxic people (and my parents aren’t toxic or abusive; they’re just…boring and not that interested in having a close relationship.)

[Anonymous]

It's interesting how many wives on these forums continually look for validation in alienating their in laws. Kinda sad actually, maybe it's something in the water.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

I will have hobbies and do things. I'm not a couch potato

Your hobbies might not be theirs. They may still find you boring.

Regardless, it only matters if you expect your children to visit even when they don't feel like it. If you don't do it, they won't either. That's ok; however, it's a choice.

DP you seem to always be on this forum threatening everyone that if they don’t do whatever the olds want then they will be abandoned. It’s clearly a manipulative tactic on your part, pretty gross. If you could post a picture I bet your finger would be wagging.

IMO it’s actually the opposite anyway. If you drag your kids to visits where they are ignored, it’s painfully boring and everyone dreads those visits they will not grow up thinking they have a duty to suffer through it all over again with you. They will grow up with resolve that there’s no way I’m doing this! Each generation gets smarter and this idea that you should be miserable to appease an older person who neither tries, is grateful or is engaged is BS.

It is not a threat. It is fact. I’ve gone low contact with family members. I am aware that there’s nothing stopping my children from going low-contact with me.

DP - That's not what you are saying. You said: "If you don't do it, they won't either."

Children may or may not visit regardless of whether you visit frequently, occasionally, or never. "If you don't do it, they won't either" is not fact; it is a statement designed to manipulate.

I also said that’s ok. It’s a choice.

You’re right I should’ve used the word probably. If you don’t they probably won’t. If your children find you boring, they probably won’t visit them either.

"The right thing to do is X. If other family members do the wrong thing, I will probably do the wrong thing too."

That is still a morally bankrupt take. There is not reason to express this, other than to manipulate.

This you too?

If they’re serving food, they’re trying their best. They care. Dismissing that is heartless and begs you get the same response from your kids in your dotage. Set in their ways when life becomes more difficult, does not been they are no longer human. A little tolerance goes a long way.

Whether you authored this or not, it mirrors your form of emotional manipulation.

No these are not me.

You share the same sentiment "it mirrors your form"

You have issues.

Deflection is a defense mechanism.

Ok. You’re fine then.

[Anonymous]

Something tells me that when they die, you’ll find the time to make sure you’re there when the will is read, and will ensure you have time to see your lawyer and the like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to visit, but their son does. He can take their grandkids with him if he wants to. I am sure your ILs will be relieved if you stop coming.

Here's your answer, right on Page 1.

+100000

[Anonymous]

Is it reasonable to stop visiting ILs?

Unless family is abusive or having some addiction issue, why consider this? Who would even write this sentence?