Is it reasonable to stop visiting ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop down to once a year and then DH can go on his own,

Visits where the people you are visiting are disinterested, not engaged, and so boring that you’ve counted the pattern repetition on the vinyl floor many times are a waste of everyone’s time. It isn’t maintaining or building a relationship, it’s performative.

Disagree. If they’re serving food, they’re trying their best. They care. Dismissing that is heartless and begs you get the same response from your kids in your dotage. Set in their ways when life becomes more difficult, does not been they are no longer human. A little tolerance goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

[Anonymous]

I think back to visits with my own grandparents, on both sides, and they weren't out doing activities with us. They went about their days and we were all just sort of hanging out, except for when my parents would take the kids out to do something. This idea that grandparents should act as a cruise director wasn't really a thing when I was growing up. I was close to my grandparents.

OP - you shouldn't try and do anything about this. It's twice a year and not worth it. Like a PP mentioned, these visits are going to naturally lessen as your kids get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Drop down to once a year and then DH can go on his own,

Visits where the people you are visiting are disinterested, not engaged, and so boring that you’ve counted the pattern repetition on the vinyl floor many times are a waste of everyone’s time. It isn’t maintaining or building a relationship, it’s performative.

Disagree. If they’re serving food, they’re trying their best. They care. Dismissing that is heartless and begs you get the same response from your kids in your dotage. Set in their ways when life becomes more difficult, does not been they are no longer human. A little tolerance goes a long way.

And driving for hours once a year rather than twice to see them is fine! They don’t need to be going multiple times a year. Your husband can FaceTime them. This idea that everyone needs to give up as much time and money as they possibly can sacrifice to pretend to have a relationship is nuts.

Also this isn’t an issue of they can’t travel to see their grandkids it’s that they don’t want to be bothered. This is another one of those it’s only selfish if it benefits the adult kids and grandkids but funnily it’s not selfish at all that the grandparents won’t do squat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think back to visits with my own grandparents, on both sides, and they weren't out doing activities with us. They went about their days and we were all just sort of hanging out, except for when my parents would take the kids out to do something. This idea that grandparents should act as a cruise director wasn't really a thing when I was growing up. I was close to my grandparents.

OP - you shouldn't try and do anything about this. It's twice a year and not worth it. Like a PP mentioned, these visits are going to naturally lessen as your kids get older.

Agree, it's twice a year OP. This sounds exactly like my grandparents when I was growing up. They are older, less educated, and set in their ways.

[Anonymous]

Send DH and the kids.

[Anonymous]

It's always reasonable. They sound awful. I stopped visiting mine 5 years into our marriage and then they died and I did also skipped the funerals.

[Anonymous]

Have your husband take the kids and you get to enjoy some time at home alone. If he doesn't want to, well then that shows how much he really cares about having a relationship with them. It sounds like you have more than done your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh this sounds like my in-laws.

I don’t think you can stop visits if DH isn’t on board. They’re his parents, and they aren’t actively harmful. You can shorten them or go eight months instead of six.

When kids get older they will have activities that keep the family in town so it won’t be forever.

She can stop her participation in them!

After three miserable years of beach vacations with my husband's family (mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, three nephews, and one niece), I said I was done doing that and he could take our kids by himself in the future if he wanted to but I was out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You visit them because it’s the kind and respectful thing to do, and it’s clearly important to your husband to honor his parents.

You visit them because one day, when your children decide that you’re “very different” from them, you will have modeled how to treat one’s parents with kindness and respect despite this fact. And they’ll visit you.

So I've thought about this a lot, and I think as a parent you have some kind of responsibility to make the time together with your grown children, and with their children, enjoyable for everyone. And who wants people who resent spending time with you to come visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think back to visits with my own grandparents, on both sides, and they weren't out doing activities with us. They went about their days and we were all just sort of hanging out, except for when my parents would take the kids out to do something. This idea that grandparents should act as a cruise director wasn't really a thing when I was growing up. I was close to my grandparents.

OP - you shouldn't try and do anything about this. It's twice a year and not worth it. Like a PP mentioned, these visits are going to naturally lessen as your kids get older.

Genuine question - can you explain to me how you were close to your grandparents if you didn't spend time with them? You said they went about their days while you visited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this relationship and these visits are important to him, that’s great; you can help him make the visits happen.

But don’t expect them to change or adapt. They won’t. If that’s a problem, HE can stop the visits. But it’s really not your relationship to manage. You don’t have to accompany him, but this is also not your relationship to manage.

Agreed.

I don't think my MIL knew what to do with kids. She would watch them play sports, though. Visits to her after FIL passed away sound similar to your experience, OP. We still went. Grandkids are all adults now and I don't think any of them have great memories with Grandma. It's kind of sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

I will have hobbies and do things. I'm not a couch potato

[Anonymous]

Husband plans the trips or you don't go. Odds are these trips will drop significantly in number. This is not your circus to plan. He doesn't do it, you don't go.

[Anonymous]

The OP is very self centered. Karma can be a b.