Is it reasonable to stop visiting ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

I will have hobbies and do things. I'm not a couch potato

Your hobbies might not be theirs. They may still find you boring.

Regardless, it only matters if you expect your children to visit even when they don't feel like it. If you don't do it, they won't either. That's ok; however, it's a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

I will have hobbies and do things. I'm not a couch potato

Your hobbies might not be theirs. They may still find you boring.

Regardless, it only matters if you expect your children to visit even when they don't feel like it. If you don't do it, they won't either. That's ok; however, it's a choice.

DP you seem to always be on this forum threatening everyone that if they don’t do whatever the olds want then they will be abandoned. It’s clearly a manipulative tactic on your part, pretty gross. If you could post a picture I bet your finger would be wagging.

IMO it’s actually the opposite anyway. If you drag your kids to visits where they are ignored, it’s painfully boring and everyone dreads those visits they will not grow up thinking they have a duty to suffer through it all over again with you. They will grow up with resolve that there’s no way I’m doing this! Each generation gets smarter and this idea that you should be miserable to appease an older person who neither tries, is grateful or is engaged is BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Drop down to once a year and then DH can go on his own,

Visits where the people you are visiting are disinterested, not engaged, and so boring that you’ve counted the pattern repetition on the vinyl floor many times are a waste of everyone’s time. It isn’t maintaining or building a relationship, it’s performative.

Disagree. If they’re serving food, they’re trying their best. They care. Dismissing that is heartless and begs you get the same response from your kids in your dotage. Set in their ways when life becomes more difficult, does not been they are no longer human. A little tolerance goes a long way.

This, it's not like they are torturing you by denying food or something. It just sounds like they worked all their lives and are tired, and set in their ways. My grandparents were like this and it was fine to go visit them.

Twice a year is good OP. Think of it as a time to relax and be a couch potato for a while twice a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

I will have hobbies and do things. I'm not a couch potato

Your hobbies might not be theirs. They may still find you boring.

Regardless, it only matters if you expect your children to visit even when they don't feel like it. If you don't do it, they won't either. That's ok; however, it's a choice.

DP you seem to always be on this forum threatening everyone that if they don’t do whatever the olds want then they will be abandoned. It’s clearly a manipulative tactic on your part, pretty gross. If you could post a picture I bet your finger would be wagging.

IMO it’s actually the opposite anyway. If you drag your kids to visits where they are ignored, it’s painfully boring and everyone dreads those visits they will not grow up thinking they have a duty to suffer through it all over again with you. They will grow up with resolve that there’s no way I’m doing this! Each generation gets smarter and this idea that you should be miserable to appease an older person who neither tries, is grateful or is engaged is BS.

It is not a threat. It is fact. I’ve gone low contact with family members. I am aware that there’s nothing stopping my children from going low-contact with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

I will have hobbies and do things. I'm not a couch potato

Your hobbies might not be theirs. They may still find you boring.

Regardless, it only matters if you expect your children to visit even when they don't feel like it. If you don't do it, they won't either. That's ok; however, it's a choice.

DP you seem to always be on this forum threatening everyone that if they don’t do whatever the olds want then they will be abandoned. It’s clearly a manipulative tactic on your part, pretty gross. If you could post a picture I bet your finger would be wagging.

IMO it’s actually the opposite anyway. If you drag your kids to visits where they are ignored, it’s painfully boring and everyone dreads those visits they will not grow up thinking they have a duty to suffer through it all over again with you. They will grow up with resolve that there’s no way I’m doing this! Each generation gets smarter and this idea that you should be miserable to appease an older person who neither tries, is grateful or is engaged is BS.

It is not a threat. It is fact. I’ve gone low contact with family members. I am aware that there’s nothing stopping my children from going low-contact with me.

DP - That's not what you are saying. You said: "If you don't do it, they won't either."

Children may or may not visit regardless of whether you visit frequently, occasionally, or never. "If you don't do it, they won't either" is not fact; it is a statement designed to manipulate.

[Anonymous]

Jeez, OP. They’re old and live a simple life, but they are your husband’s parents ffs. Cut off people for being abusive, but to suggest cutting them off because you consider them boring is just crappy. Hopefully you don’t ever become boring or have health issues that make you boring to your kids because would you okay them just stopping visits, too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, OP. They’re old and live a simple life, but they are your husband’s parents ffs. Cut off people for being abusive, but to suggest cutting them off because you consider them boring is just crappy. Hopefully you don’t ever become boring or have health issues that make you boring to your kids because would you okay them just stopping visits, too?

OP isn't "cutting them off".

"I am happy to host them if they want to see us. - OP"

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you see these people a lot. Just stop responding to them on this topic. And then show up for the next event you are happy to go to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think back to visits with my own grandparents, on both sides, and they weren't out doing activities with us. They went about their days and we were all just sort of hanging out, except for when my parents would take the kids out to do something. This idea that grandparents should act as a cruise director wasn't really a thing when I was growing up. I was close to my grandparents.

OP - you shouldn't try and do anything about this. It's twice a year and not worth it. Like a PP mentioned, these visits are going to naturally lessen as your kids get older.

Genuine question - can you explain to me how you were close to your grandparents if you didn't spend time with them? You said they went about their days while you visited.

I did spend time with them. My grandmas made meals that we all shared. When I was younger I played outside and when I was older we sat around talking. We did the classic garden stuff, like prepping green beans for dinner. But trips outside of the house were just with my parents, never my grandparents. They didn't have anything to do with our activities outside of their house.

[Anonymous]

Am I really the first person to suggest they may be autistic?!??

Sounds like autism to me. Does your DH or any kids have it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, OP. They’re old and live a simple life, but they are your husband’s parents ffs. Cut off people for being abusive, but to suggest cutting them off because you consider them boring is just crappy. Hopefully you don’t ever become boring or have health issues that make you boring to your kids because would you okay them just stopping visits, too?

OP isn't "cutting them off".

"I am happy to host them if they want to see us. - OP"

Right, she’s saying that about an elderly couple who she knows for whatever reason doesn’t travel. About an elderly couple her DH still wants to see. The fact that she even sees a question in there is crappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

I will have hobbies and do things. I'm not a couch potato

Your hobbies might not be theirs. They may still find you boring.

Regardless, it only matters if you expect your children to visit even when they don't feel like it. If you don't do it, they won't either. That's ok; however, it's a choice.

DP you seem to always be on this forum threatening everyone that if they don’t do whatever the olds want then they will be abandoned. It’s clearly a manipulative tactic on your part, pretty gross. If you could post a picture I bet your finger would be wagging.

IMO it’s actually the opposite anyway. If you drag your kids to visits where they are ignored, it’s painfully boring and everyone dreads those visits they will not grow up thinking they have a duty to suffer through it all over again with you. They will grow up with resolve that there’s no way I’m doing this! Each generation gets smarter and this idea that you should be miserable to appease an older person who neither tries, is grateful or is engaged is BS.

It is not a threat. It is fact. I’ve gone low contact with family members. I am aware that there’s nothing stopping my children from going low-contact with me.

DP - That's not what you are saying. You said: "If you don't do it, they won't either."

Children may or may not visit regardless of whether you visit frequently, occasionally, or never. "If you don't do it, they won't either" is not fact; it is a statement designed to manipulate.

I also said that’s ok. It’s a choice.

You’re right I should’ve used the word probably. If you don’t they probably won’t. If your children find you boring, they probably won’t visit them either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I really the first person to suggest they may be autistic?!??

Sounds like autism to me. Does your DH or any kids have it?

Lol they aren’t autistic. They’re just lower energy older folks who don’t have the physical or mental energy to do the whole “cruise director” thing. Which is totally fine and normal. OP would probably barely notice if they lived close and could drop by for a few hours for lunch and to fix their computer and then be on her way, but it stands out a lot more when you have to make a Big Trip and stay for multiple days. I’m in the same situation so it’s no judgment. But you have to plan your own activities and have enough confidence to do them without the grandparents and blow them off if they whine about not sitting in their home all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have the husband plan the trips. You can skip them and just send husband and kids, but also be prepared for the kids to not visit you if they find you boring as c you age.

I will have hobbies and do things. I'm not a couch potato

Your hobbies might not be theirs. They may still find you boring.

Regardless, it only matters if you expect your children to visit even when they don't feel like it. If you don't do it, they won't either. That's ok; however, it's a choice.

DP you seem to always be on this forum threatening everyone that if they don’t do whatever the olds want then they will be abandoned. It’s clearly a manipulative tactic on your part, pretty gross. If you could post a picture I bet your finger would be wagging.

IMO it’s actually the opposite anyway. If you drag your kids to visits where they are ignored, it’s painfully boring and everyone dreads those visits they will not grow up thinking they have a duty to suffer through it all over again with you. They will grow up with resolve that there’s no way I’m doing this! Each generation gets smarter and this idea that you should be miserable to appease an older person who neither tries, is grateful or is engaged is BS.

It is not a threat. It is fact. I’ve gone low contact with family members. I am aware that there’s nothing stopping my children from going low-contact with me.

DP - That's not what you are saying. You said: "If you don't do it, they won't either."

Children may or may not visit regardless of whether you visit frequently, occasionally, or never. "If you don't do it, they won't either" is not fact; it is a statement designed to manipulate.

I also said that’s ok. It’s a choice.

You’re right I should’ve used the word probably. If you don’t they probably won’t. If your children find you boring, they probably won’t visit them either.

"The right thing to do is X. If other family members do the wrong thing, I will probably do the wrong thing too."

That is still a morally bankrupt take. There is not reason to express this, other than to manipulate.

This you too?

If they’re serving food, they’re trying their best. They care. Dismissing that is heartless and begs you get the same response from your kids in your dotage. Set in their ways when life becomes more difficult, does not been they are no longer human. A little tolerance goes a long way.

Whether you authored this or not, it mirrors your form of emotional manipulation.

[Anonymous]

We go to visit our ILs very often.

And DH and I, basically use that time to maintain their house and yard (we pay a handyman there), pay bills, do taxes, take them for checkups, and host at least two family get-together (that we fund and organize) with our extended family. Oh, we also take nice family pictures and send it to everyone.

My kids do nothing much but watch TV or roam around with some of their relatives or be on the internet.

I really don't mind. I will do anything I can to make sure that they continue to live independently in their own home.