Anyone's parent ask them to move out of the house after college? How did they say it?

[Anonymous]

As long as my kids are doing something useful with their lives, I’d be delighted to have them living with me. I suppose if it were a financial hardship or they were using the savings to spend wastefully I might charge rent, and I would expect them to live the way we’ve raised them (they’re coming to church with us, e.g.) if they’re living at home, but I like them and I would like having them around!

[Anonymous]

Growing up we were told we had u til the end of HS and after that we were on our own. We just always knew. There wasn’t money to take care of kids so most of us paid our own way before that point.

As for my own kids, oldest one lived at home for post HS education, left for awhile and came back. Middle one is still in college probably for two more years and also lives at home. Youngest is starting college and will be living on campus. We have not specifically said they need to go but we’ve withdrawn support from the oldest two except for school costs and food and health insurance until age 26 but not car insurance. The youngest will start on an allowance to pay for the extras as soon as she graduates HS and has a job set up. We will pay for college. For the oldest we require a rent payment. And we’ve told all of them when we plan to sell the house and where we’re moving to so they have time to plan. They can go with us or make other plans.

And while they’re living with us they are adults and expected to help with whatever needs to be done, like yardwork, household chores, car maintenance and repairs (I have a mechanic). Although the youngest is t technically an adult there are expectations for her as well.

Our lives are complicated by a child with special needs who is taking far longer to achieve independence than most kids. And we’re ok with the kids staying but they need to be independent and pull their weight.

[Anonymous]

I wanted out after high school. I moved to another continent and put myself through school while working.
Not sure why anyone wants to stay with parents after college. No need to say anything.

[Anonymous]

I expect it will look different when my oldest graduates from college and we still have a middle schooler than when my youngest does!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It never occurred to me that there was an alternative to finding a job and an apartment and supporting myself after college. So that's what I did. I didn't want to go live in my mother's house anyway.

+1 I graduated college in 1998. The plan after college was never discussed or anything; it was just the obvious step. Of course, it meant living in a crap apartment with roommates for the first few years until I moved in (to another crap 1-bedroom apartment) with my boyfriend. We got married 2 years later and bought a house.

I have college-aged kids right now. I haven't had any sort of discussion with them either. But if they ask to move back home after college, I will say yes and charge them rent and have strict rules about chores, having friends over, etc. I'm sure they'll be looking to move out pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H's father took him aside a month before he turned 18 and told him that he would be allowed to live at home to finish HS. After that, if he or most of his siblings wanted to come home for breaks or whatever, they needed to be working. Same man told his oldest daughter to pack her bags and be out of the house when she got pregnant senior year.

He wonders why his non-golden child kids aren't close to him.

I mean there's this way of handling it, which is terrible.

But the way I thought of being expected to move out after college was that my loving parents had supported me, raised me, and paid for my college. Their financial obligations to me had been met. They had done a ton. After that it was on me to support myself, though there was definitely recourse in an emergency.

Maybe it was different because my parents raised me with the understanding that supporting myself was one of the goals of their parenting/my childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H's father took him aside a month before he turned 18 and told him that he would be allowed to live at home to finish HS. After that, if he or most of his siblings wanted to come home for breaks or whatever, they needed to be working. Same man told his oldest daughter to pack her bags and be out of the house when she got pregnant senior year.

He wonders why his non-golden child kids aren't close to him.

I mean there's this way of handling it, which is terrible.

But the way I thought of being expected to move out after college was that my loving parents had supported me, raised me, and paid for my college. Their financial obligations to me had been met. They had done a ton. After that it was on me to support myself, though there was definitely recourse in an emergency.

Maybe it was different because my parents raised me with the understanding that supporting myself was one of the goals of their parenting/my childhood.

I think most people try to parent with that goal in mind, but this idea of ACs moving out rapidly on their own is fairly new. Most ACs used to remain with their families until they were ready to marry or financially support themselves. In this economy and with the state of the world I think we will see more intergenerational living rather than less. Setting hard lines of when an AC should be out may not be so reasonable. It's not that you want them playing video games in the basement, but they could be doing everything "right" and not be in a position to move out.

I'm the PP you quoted above and while all of H and his siblings became self supporting (and "successful" save the DD who had her first child at 18), they are mostly very messed up people. Your parents raised you with love and expectations, one of which was independence at a certain age. I think when that becomes a sole focus it's pretty unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H's father took him aside a month before he turned 18 and told him that he would be allowed to live at home to finish HS. After that, if he or most of his siblings wanted to come home for breaks or whatever, they needed to be working. Same man told his oldest daughter to pack her bags and be out of the house when she got pregnant senior year.

He wonders why his non-golden child kids aren't close to him.

I mean there's this way of handling it, which is terrible.

But the way I thought of being expected to move out after college was that my loving parents had supported me, raised me, and paid for my college. Their financial obligations to me had been met. They had done a ton. After that it was on me to support myself, though there was definitely recourse in an emergency.

Maybe it was different because my parents raised me with the understanding that supporting myself was one of the goals of their parenting/my childhood.

I think most people try to parent with that goal in mind, but this idea of ACs moving out rapidly on their own is fairly new. Most ACs used to remain with their families until they were ready to marry or financially support themselves. In this economy and with the state of the world I think we will see more intergenerational living rather than less. Setting hard lines of when an AC should be out may not be so reasonable. It's not that you want them playing video games in the basement, but they could be doing everything "right" and not be in a position to move out.

I'm the PP you quoted above and while all of H and his siblings became self supporting (and "successful" save the DD who had her first child at 18), they are mostly very messed up people. Your parents raised you with love and expectations, one of which was independence at a certain age. I think when that becomes a sole focus it's pretty unhealthy.

I think that the expectation to move out is normal and not that new (for us Gen X ers, at least). These days, it seems like more kids are returning home after college. I think this is a combination of more Asian immigrants (cultural norms are different), higher living expenses, more intolerance of certain living conditions (e.g., lots of roommates), and increased infantilization of our kids.

[Anonymous]

My parents didn't expressly say you can't move back home after college, but we never contemplated it. After four years of independence, the last thing I wanted was to return to their home. Don't get me wrong, love them, but living with them in my twenties? No,

[Anonymous]

The norm is that a kid doesn't move back in to their family home after college. If they have a job, they'll usually move out. I grew up hearing my (asian) parents comment on how XYZ's kids are living at home "like a bum" so it was ingrained in me to move out and be independent.

[Anonymous]

I have more than enough space and wouldn’t mind if they came back. It’s up to them. I will be here, God willing! But also am trying to raise independent adults.

[Anonymous]

My mom said "you've got 3 months and then I'm charging you market rate rent." She was very serious. I was only back home while my background check cleared for my well paying job. I'm still very hurt about how mean she was about it all. It was the last time I've ever had downtime in 20 years. I wish I had gone backpacking through Europe and ignored her rants about me being unemployed.

[Anonymous]

My parents didn't ask me: it was expected. I never lived at home again after junior year of college. But the late 90s were a different time.

It sounds like you really just want to ensure your child is financially stable and ready to launch--not that they need to be out of your house for other reasons. There's a way to achieve that without forcing them to live elsewhere, assuming you're ok with them living at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If not right out of college, when? How old were you. I have a junior in college who is dependent time. I have been hinting that she MUST find a job in her senior year so she can begin her life and so that she can live the way she wants and afford her type lifestyle. I am hoping the job market will be better next year.

I think that it is okay for them to live at home while working after college. But the expectation needs to be clearly communicated that they make full effort to do their part. This means working and paying for their own expenses while maximizing their saving. If you have been doing this through college, it should be an easy transition.

[Anonymous]

My parents would have been horrified at the idea of their children wasting money on renting properties they had no equity in. Like lightning money on fire.

My start date for my first job was 6 weeks after I graduated and we spent that six weeks looking for a starter property I could afford on that salary and then organizing roommates. My parents gift was to co-sign the mortgage. What is this insanity about charging children rent? If you’re old enough to have an adult child surely you’ve figured out your finances by now?!?