Addressing comment about racism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a 3rd grader is calling a kindergartener a racist now? What kind of school is this

OP here. A small private. I wouldn't say anything to the school but I am considering saying something to the 3rd graders parents, as just an FYI, b/c we did talk so much after my child made the original comments.

This is where you went wrong. You should have said thank you for letting me know and moved on. Talking to others about it just makes it more of a thing in their family so they’re probably bashing your child, calling him racist, etc and the kid heard this. Acknowledge it, handle it, move on. Talking about it doesn’t help. He’s 5 all he needs to know is that’s not a nice word please don’t use it again. Stop shaming him.

Agree with this. But I also would have told the school what and who taught the racist comment to your child. A small private school should be dealing with this internally and having anti racist/anti bias talks with classes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That 3rd grader was verbally attacked. Just because your kindergartner apologized doesn't mean the 3rd grader has to accept the apology. This is a good lesson for your kid - some things hurt people REALLY deeply. And some things you can't just apologize away. From now on, he needs to come ask what things mean before repeating them lest this happen again. It's a harsh lesson, but so is life.

The 3rd grader was verbally attacked and is now recounting what happened. You're asking an 8 or 9 yr old to have grace because your son who made a mistake is 5 or 6. But he's not required to. It's okay for a 3rd grader to be hurt and to tell people about it.

The 3rd grader needs to understand that the kindergartner apologized. it was discussed and that doesn’t mean that he now has license to call him names.

What was said anyway? I hate when people post with no details. What was the word?

I believe OP said it wasn’t the N word, but yes, I think some more detail would be helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a 3rd grader is calling a kindergartener a racist now? What kind of school is this

OP here. A small private. I wouldn't say anything to the school but I am considering saying something to the 3rd graders parents, as just an FYI, b/c we did talk so much after my child made the original comments.

This is where you went wrong. You should have said thank you for letting me know and moved on. Talking to others about it just makes it more of a thing in their family so they’re probably bashing your child, calling him racist, etc and the kid heard this. Acknowledge it, handle it, move on. Talking about it doesn’t help. He’s 5 all he needs to know is that’s not a nice word please don’t use it again. Stop shaming him.

Agree with this. But I also would have told the school what and who taught the racist comment to your child. A small private school should be dealing with this internally and having anti racist/anti bias talks with classes

OP here. I can see where you are coming from but I personally disagree. I don't think I should have said thanks for letting me know and moved on. My kid picked up a few inappropriate words at aftercare so school 100% needs to know and get control, and I am perfectly fine keeping my kid out of that situation until they do.

I did speak to the girls parents b/c we are friendly and they texted me. It was not confrontational. I get the whole not forced apologies, but I also think my son was old enough to be reasonable for his actions and help to right a wrong. He knew what he did was wrong before he did it. Did he understand all the nuance? Absolutly not. But he knew it was to be directed at her and not someone else. This was an Asian comment for those wondering.

I am good with how it was handled and even if it wasn't handled well, what's done is done. I am now trying to decide if I saw something about hearing my son called a racist. I am leaning towards a yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That 3rd grader was verbally attacked. Just because your kindergartner apologized doesn't mean the 3rd grader has to accept the apology. This is a good lesson for your kid - some things hurt people REALLY deeply. And some things you can't just apologize away. From now on, he needs to come ask what things mean before repeating them lest this happen again. It's a harsh lesson, but so is life.

The 3rd grader was verbally attacked and is now recounting what happened. You're asking an 8 or 9 yr old to have grace because your son who made a mistake is 5 or 6. But he's not required to. It's okay for a 3rd grader to be hurt and to tell people about it.

The 3rd grader needs to understand that the kindergartner apologized. it was discussed and that doesn’t mean that he now has license to call him names.

What was said anyway? I hate when people post with no details. What was the word?

I believe OP said it wasn’t the N word, but yes, I think some more detail would be helpful

Not the N word. The child is Asian American. He made an offensive comment.

[Anonymous]

Parents are always so reticent to be honest about what their kid said in these situations. Things that make you go hmmmmmm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That 3rd grader was verbally attacked. Just because your kindergartner apologized doesn't mean the 3rd grader has to accept the apology. This is a good lesson for your kid - some things hurt people REALLY deeply. And some things you can't just apologize away. From now on, he needs to come ask what things mean before repeating them lest this happen again. It's a harsh lesson, but so is life.

The 3rd grader was verbally attacked and is now recounting what happened. You're asking an 8 or 9 yr old to have grace because your son who made a mistake is 5 or 6. But he's not required to. It's okay for a 3rd grader to be hurt and to tell people about it.

The 3rd grader needs to understand that the kindergartner apologized. it was discussed and that doesn’t mean that he now has license to call him names.

What was said anyway? I hate when people post with no details. What was the word?

Your implication is that because the Kindergartner apologized, the issue is now over/resolved. But people are not required to accept apologies. I had to teach my daughter it's a totally legitimate response to say "Thank you for your apology." The 3rd grade is hurt. They are processing. You ever see adults talk about "How old were you the first time you were sexualized? The first time something racist was said to you?" Well, for this 3rd grader, it was in 3rd grade, at what she probably thought was a safe, small, loving private school. And the racist thing was said by a white kindergarten boy. She has license to say he said something racist. In kid language that can come out as "he's racist because he said _____ to me."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a 3rd grader is calling a kindergartener a racist now? What kind of school is this

OP here. A small private. I wouldn't say anything to the school but I am considering saying something to the 3rd graders parents, as just an FYI, b/c we did talk so much after my child made the original comments.

No, stop digging the hole deeper. You should have stopped after one low-key apology.

[Anonymous]

OP, you said your son said a racist phrase.

Teach your son not to repeat what other kids tell him to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said your son said a racist phrase.

Teach your son not to repeat what other kids tell him to say.

OP here. Obviously that is a given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That 3rd grader was verbally attacked. Just because your kindergartner apologized doesn't mean the 3rd grader has to accept the apology. This is a good lesson for your kid - some things hurt people REALLY deeply. And some things you can't just apologize away. From now on, he needs to come ask what things mean before repeating them lest this happen again. It's a harsh lesson, but so is life.

The 3rd grader was verbally attacked and is now recounting what happened. You're asking an 8 or 9 yr old to have grace because your son who made a mistake is 5 or 6. But he's not required to. It's okay for a 3rd grader to be hurt and to tell people about it.

The 3rd grader needs to understand that the kindergartner apologized. it was discussed and that doesn’t mean that he now has license to call him names.

What was said anyway? I hate when people post with no details. What was the word?

Your implication is that because the Kindergartner apologized, the issue is now over/resolved. But people are not required to accept apologies. I had to teach my daughter it's a totally legitimate response to say "Thank you for your apology." The 3rd grade is hurt. They are processing. You ever see adults talk about "How old were you the first time you were sexualized? The first time something racist was said to you?" Well, for this 3rd grader, it was in 3rd grade, at what she probably thought was a safe, small, loving private school. And the racist thing was said by a white kindergarten boy. She has license to say he said something racist. In kid language that can come out as "he's racist because he said _____ to me."

Sure, and OP also has a right to protect her child, who learned the phrase from a poorly supervised after-care, and didn’t understand what they were saying. No kindergartener deserves to be canceled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That 3rd grader was verbally attacked. Just because your kindergartner apologized doesn't mean the 3rd grader has to accept the apology. This is a good lesson for your kid - some things hurt people REALLY deeply. And some things you can't just apologize away. From now on, he needs to come ask what things mean before repeating them lest this happen again. It's a harsh lesson, but so is life.

The 3rd grader was verbally attacked and is now recounting what happened. You're asking an 8 or 9 yr old to have grace because your son who made a mistake is 5 or 6. But he's not required to. It's okay for a 3rd grader to be hurt and to tell people about it.

The 3rd grader needs to understand that the kindergartner apologized. it was discussed and that doesn’t mean that he now has license to call him names.

What was said anyway? I hate when people post with no details. What was the word?

Your implication is that because the Kindergartner apologized, the issue is now over/resolved. But people are not required to accept apologies. I had to teach my daughter it's a totally legitimate response to say "Thank you for your apology." The 3rd grade is hurt. They are processing. You ever see adults talk about "How old were you the first time you were sexualized? The first time something racist was said to you?" Well, for this 3rd grader, it was in 3rd grade, at what she probably thought was a safe, small, loving private school. And the racist thing was said by a white kindergarten boy. She has license to say he said something racist. In kid language that can come out as "he's racist because he said _____ to me."

Sure, and OP also has a right to protect her child, who learned the phrase from a poorly supervised after-care, and didn’t understand what they were saying. No kindergartener deserves to be canceled.

But he understood a little bit. He knew to direct it at an Asian person and he know it was not a nice thing to say.

[Anonymous]

The child hasn’t been canceled.

It sounds like you did a great job in responding to this, OP. Now it’s time to move on.

[Anonymous]

I understand that you don’t want your kid to be labeled as a racist, but I really think that you have to understand this as a sign of how deeply hurtful this was to the other child. Trust me the other child’s parents are also having some difficult conversations trying to convey that their daughter’s feelings are valid, they have her back, and that she’s safe, but that she has to let it go. Continuing to escalate the situation until you achieve some perfect scenario which I don’t think you’ve articulated in your mind, never mind whether it’s realizable, will just victimize BOTH children over and over again. Don’t do that.

But DO express to the school that some inappropriate stuff is going on during aftercare - you should be asking the person who is supposed to be supervising to take some responsibility, not righteously lobbing some of yours (that you carefully and thoughtfully took) back onto that girl.

[Anonymous]

*self-righteously

[Anonymous]

It will pass